Disappointment

God,

Disappointment looks like many things for different people. Today, I need to cling to you in the face of some disappointments. It seems petty to even speak them aloud, but I do believe you care about both the big and little disappointments of life.

As we begin the journey of thinking/planning to move towards PA and family, we found our dream land to build our dream home. I held back from full excitement at first, and then Ryan explained that what he needed most was to see me get excited about any prospects.

I am reminded how we cannot place our hope in any earthly thing. Things of this world will pass away.  While the dream isn't completely squashed...it just doesn't look like the job market is going to support the security and possible permanency that we desire in a home. Ryan's job prospects are more likely toward Philadelphia where homes are super expensive.

God, help me to trust you. As I was washing dishes and having a bit of a pity party, you brought to mind this passage in Isaiah.

Isaiah 55:8-9 English Standard Version (ESV)

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

May I continue to rest in the truth that we will never be disappointed when our life is more about building our lives and families on your foundation, than on material things like land, houses, and a specific location.  I will trust that you can help me set my heart to the right place, so that regardless of where we end up---my contentment in you will not be shaken.

I will build my house
Whether storm or drought
On the rock that does not move
I will set my hope
In your love, O Lord
And your faithfulness will prove
You are steadfast, steadfast
You are steadfast, steadfast

By the word you spoke
All the starry host
Are called out by name each night
In your watchful care
I will rest secure
As you lead us with your light
You are steadfast, steadfast
You are steadfast, steadfast

I will not trust in the strength of kings
On your promise I will stand
I will shout for joy, I will raise my voice
Hallelujah to the Lamb!
You are steadfast, steadfast
You are steadfast, steadfast

In the moment of emptiness
All was fulfilled
In the hour of darkness
Your light was revealed
In the presence of death
Your life was affirmed
In the absence of holiness
You are still God
You are steadfast, steadfast
You are steadfast, steadfast

Now that the compounded cancellation of our vacation to Florida has hit, I recognize how much my joy is circumstantial on things hope for. Help me to have a heart like Paul, who found contentment in less than perfect circumstances. Heck, he was facing jail imprisonment and he still found joy. I don't know how to muster it on my own, but I know with your help..I can find joy regardless of my circumstances.

Lord, please lead us wherever you can use us. Lead us where we are most likely to raise Cora and any future sibling with a strong foundation set on you.

I love you Lord. Thank you for always being the foundation that is never shaken when everything else seems to blow away.

Aud

Dear Peanut

Dear Peanut,

Its been 12 weeks now that your tiny little body has been forming in mommy's womb.  Your daddy and I are so eager to meet you, we can hardly stand it. As I speak, your daddy is at home painting your room while mommy is out of town for work. 

We want so many things for you little one. We want you to always feel loved, safe, and secure. Most importantly though, we want you to know Jesus, who brings freedom beyond belief in this sometimes difficult world.

We pray for you every night. We imagine what you will be like. And most of all, we trust that God is making you exactly who you need to be. We will love the good, the bad, and the ugly (since we all have a little ugly in us too).  But I can promise you, we will not be perfect. But it's my prayer that our imperfections, we will continue to learn together how to be vulnerable, how to apologize, how to recognize and validate our feelings, and get back up when we fall.  Your dad and I want to model lives of integrity, service, and deep faith in a relational God. 

I read the other days, that you are starting to develop bones.  These little bones will be the strong foundation for your little body to develop and move. I want you to be physically strong, but mostly, I want you to have a strong emotional foundation you know to be resilient and loving.

I am praying for you, peanut. Keep up the hard work of growing strong and healthy. Mommy loves you so much. I am so blessed to have the responsibility to be your mom. May I steward the responsibility well.

All my love,
Mommy

Prayers in the Wilderness

God,

Thank you for the gift of fulfilling your prophecies over billions of years. I can only imagine when you told Abraham that you would make his family as many as the stars, he could not conceptualize what was meant by this.  But you called him to walk in faith, and not by sight.

God thank you for the reality that you have given the holy spirit to all who have put their faith and trust in you. 

Lord, as I walk in this wilderness season, just grasping for your light in the midst of the dark-- I trust you fully. You are at work in ways that I cannot imagine, just like Abraham could not see. Lord, please be my strength. It is only you that can display love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.


Self-control has been a challenge for me lately. I've been emotional eating a lot more. Gaining weight and not feeling great about my body. 

God-- I pray for the week ahead with Ryan at Onsite. As we process the future and what your healing is to look like-- I ask that you would give me a deep heart for Ryan--that my interactions with him would be pure and loving and kind.  God-- I just give you this time ahead of us.

Lord-- I don't feel strong enough to separate from Ryan. If it be your will for us to journey apart, I pray that you would be at work in his heart. God-- I know that you are capable of this. Whatever path you call us to, I pray that we would both be confident and supportive of whichever direction.  God-- give us open hearts to truly listen for you and be willing to obey, even if it is ultimately is an outcome different than we thought.

I trust you. I will walk ahead confidently in you. Anxiety and fear have no place. I will not go ahead of you, but walk patiently in your leading and step.

Aud

Father God,

For far too long, I have been a hearer of the word-- but not always letting that translate over into the doing of the word.  I feel burnt out right now in so many aspects of life.  And I know, your word promises that there will be times like these.  But I also know that you are a big God who can do far more than we think or imagine.

Something I loved about my relationship with Ryan, was that he was totally my opposite in so many ways. I am the rule-follower, the perfectionist, the play it safe girl-- and he is the risk-averse dreamer.  And while these differences caused some anxiety in my risk-averse heart, he also pushed me and believed in me like no one before.  Perhaps it was superficial charm. I'm still trying to figure this out.  But God-- he's been consistent. I've never doubted his love for me for a moment. There was a safety and comfort in his rose-colored, positive perspective. 

God, I want to do big things with Ryan. He's been my teammate the last year and it's hard to imagine that you could do anything big in my life without him. And yet, with all that has happened in the last two months--I'm left looking at two choices-- of which I like neither. 1.) Moving forward with life without him and 2.) Moving forward with life with him--w/the anxiety of his past hanging around like an ever-present possibility of future heartache at every possible turn.

Lord, the next month-- there will be a lot to take in.  I pray over each step we are taking to discern the next step you are calling us.  God, if I am to release him-- I pray that you would bring opportunities for life-giving work or something meaningful to fill my days for you.  But if I am to move forward, God-- I ask for a peace that surpasses all understanding. I just pray for confidence in your direction one way or another. 

God-- you have given me the burning in my belly in the past to know when to move forward and when to move backward.  I just pray that you would help me to listen to that still small voice inside--that is your holy spirit-- to lead and guide.

I can't do this on my own, Lord. If Ryan and I are to move forward, you must move in mighty ways in my heart. I can't will this or do this in my own strength.  The fear is just overwhelming.  But I do believe in You, a God who can move mountains, if it be his will. So God, I continue to trust in you that you will show up in the next two months.

I don't know how you want to use this crummy time in my life, but I give it freely to you to use. 

Lord- the If table idea continues to be on my heart. Lord, I will walk forward in faith that this is what you want me to do. I will put my money towards this-- because I believe this prompting is from you.

Amen!

Aud

This is Healing Part x 2

Father God,

Today was the day that was going to be my bridal shower. And today I let myself grieve the loss of what was supposed to be...but I also let myself live in what is today. The past few days I have had some of my lifelong friends just demonstrate the depth of true friendships. They sat with me, processed with me-- even when I wasn't fun or exciting. We did special things together that for a time distracted me from the pain.

But tonight, I watched a movie the=at moved me deeply. The story of Mercy Me and the way you turned beauty and restoration from the ashes. Holy Molie-- God you are amazing. And you are the same God today who still continues to redeem.

God, I wanted to text Ryan so badly throughout the day. So many reminders of him and us...and the depth of friendship we've shared.  But for today, I share that with you. The next few weeks/months are in your hands. God, I just pray that if we are ever going to move forward--that you just help me to know in my spirit that Ryan is authentically repentant. God, I know things aren't always about feelings because feelings change-- but I just pray for a gut feeling that I know that I know that I know....that it is REAL repentance--true--- and only for you.

And God....if I am to walk away. I pray that I would know that I know that I know that it is the right thing to do. I pray that you would give me a strength I didn't think I had--to walk away.  But I can't move forward or move backwards without you and your strength. Because without you---I am just a weakling- tossed in the waves.

I love you, Lord.

Amen.

I Don't Want if You're Not in it, I Just Want You

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdJz_mB1f_I

Father God,

The battle in my heart is raging. My heart and my flesh are battling; each with a fierce determination to win. I truly just want you...but what does that mean? How do I determine which is which?

Thank you for giving me a few days away in the presence of your nature at the Bodenstab's Lake House.  Thank you for the Bodenstabs and the ways they love so deeply and genuinely. Thank you for Beth and her encouragement in trusting Jesus with the known of our story and journey. Thank you for your word and the Truth that washes over me like a deep bath for the soul.

You've given me Galatians 5:1. It has popped up over 4 times in random places over the last few days.

For Freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

Oh how I've wrestled Lord in my own strength and intellectualization to figure out what this means for me. Is fear my yoke of slavery or is it with my pride/idolatry?

But when I look at this passage, Paul was telling the Jews that they are under a new covenant. The act of circumcision and obedience to the law no longer had any part in their salvation. They are saved by grace alone. Their debt was paid already in full. Any act of earning favor with God, was living in a yoke of slavery. They are free to walk without the weight of trying to "fix it" or make it right, but to accept it as a free gift.

My fear is most about making the "wrong choice" in this situation. But you tell me, I can walk in freedom that there is not a right or wrong choice in this, because you are with me. I can be free of the pressure to figure it all out.

Lord, at times in my heart I feel that trying to seek restoration with Ryan would come from my deep pain and understanding of my own sin.  I don't deserve your grace and yet in love you give it to me freely. It's almost like I would be motivated to give Ryan mercy and grace because I feel like I owe it to you for what you've done for me. And yet, this passage is saying-- Audrey- I died for you free of charge. You don't owe me anything. Stop trying to do things because you feel it would somehow pay me back. I've given you freedom to choose--to choose me first. You don't have to be a martyr. Mercy and Grace and Forgiveness don't always mean a relationship continues. Sometimes the most loving, grace-filled, and merciful thing to do is to let go. To trust Him, that it is ok to release and surrender. If God wants us to remain together--He will do it.

Letting go of hope of restoration, Lord, this is a surrender. It goes against every fiber of my being and is harder than staying in it and fighting for it. It is trusting you and wanting to obey you and let you do your work. My flesh wants to be with Ryan regardless of what that means. But my heart knows deeply that moving forward would be a path of destruction. It would be making him an idol again above you. Could you still use it if I move forward? For sure. But if you wanted to do that, my heart would not feel so afraid. YOU are FOR me. You want the best for me. I trust the letter I received was a gift from you--protecting me, and gently reminding me that I can trust that you are in me and you will not lead me astray. For you have given me a Hope and a Future. I had those gut feelings all along but didn't want to believe them when there was no proof. So why would I disregard this gut that is telling me that restoration needs to happen in you--and not include me.

I believe you can restore Ryan. I wish I could have a front row seat to watch it all. But I just need to trust him over to you. His healing is not mine, it is yours to do. I may not understand why this is what I need to do, but I trust you do. Walking in restoration with him would be more out of fear of being seen by him and others as lacking mercy and grace, rather than what I know to be true-- that walking away is sometimes the most loving thing to do.

Lord, if I continue on a path of seeking restoration of relationship with Ryan, I am walking right back into the trap of placing my relationship with him above you.  I think the still small voice in my heart knows that pursuing restoration may look good on the outside, but it is not the most loving thing to do. You tell me in your word that loving YOU with my whole heart is the greatest command AND then, Love your neighbor as yourself. 

We can't love others, if you aren't primary. First and foremost.  When I was with Ryan--all I could think about was Ryan and our relationship, and the lack of peace.  I stopped reading your word for a time because every time I did, my heart knew that I was not walking in your steps but in the steps I wanted for myself.

You tell me in Matthew 22: 36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”


Lord, I go back to work in a few days. This story is still unfolding. I need you desperately to give me strength and peace in the first week back. Allow me to be gentle with myself. My mind may struggle to stay on task, so Lord, please give me a focus that can only come from you. Let me zero in on what you want to do in the moment and allow you to carry the conversation for next week.

Father, If I am wrong in all of this, let me know.  If you do want me to move forward in walking alongside with Ryan to see if Restoration is possible---make that loud and clear. But this is my heart---torn in two-- and wanting to be know you and be known by you more and more each day.

Audrey

This is Healing

God,

My veil showed up in the mail today. It felt like a cruel joke, as it punched my gut opening the package from my mailbox.  And yet, I choose this. I choose doing the hard things today, rather than a lifetime you've warned me would be unnecessarily unbearable and unglorifying to you. You have truly saved me and I'm speechless thinking of your love for me and the ways you have spoken over me TRUTH in the midst of the heartbreakingly awful. It's difficult to know what you are up to in all of this, but I'm reminded of a CS Lewis quote that has always stuck with me.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself." 
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

 So I celebrate. I celebrate never worn veils and a wedding dress hanging in the closet untouched.  I celebrate that growth and stretching that comes out of the difficult.

God, I pray over these items. If it be your will, I hope to sell these items as a symbol between you and myself of letting go of the old and embracing the new chapter you are writing in my life. God, I pray for the bride who will wear them. I pray that wearing this dress would restore it from a symbol of hurt and pain to one of joy and laughter. Bless that woman, her marriage, her spouse. Be present with her and guide her to a marriage based on the truth of who you are and not an false image of it.

God, I wanted my marriage to be one that exemplified restoration because I believe that is who you are and I know that's what you have done for me.  And my prayer, is that my life would continue to shine the truth of your restoration--marriage or no marriage.  I believe that you have a plan and a purpose for my life. I believe that even if I can't see it and feel lifeless at times right now-- you will continue to come through for me like you did the other day. You will continue to fight for me. Joy will return and life will continue.

Perhaps sometimes the devastating hurt, is a gift in disguise. I choose to believe that--even when I don't feel that.  

Lord, this life is not my own. I don't want this to be a chapter in my story-- but it is. Please don't let it be in vain. 

You have truly blessed me with dear friends, family, and encouragers. Thank you for people who remind me who I am when I have trouble remembering it.  Please never let me forget what it is like to receive such intentional support and love. Make me that type of friend and neighbor.

So Lord,

I will walk in this next chapter I'll call-- This is Healing.  I love you so much. I'm so sorry that I wanted what I wanted so badly, that I didn't heed your inner nudges along the way.  Lord, sometimes I wonder if I could ever trust again. But I leave that in your hands. For today, grow me and stretch me to become more like you.

Amen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjF9IqvXDjY

It's been a long time since I've written. Largely, my emotions were too scary to stare at on a blank screen.
Today was quite possibly the most difficult day that I've had to date with some of the most life changing decisions.

God,

I'm so sorry that I didn't listen to those inner twinges of my gut that you have so skillfully crafted. I'm sorry that I wanted marriage so badly, that I was willing tell myself that it really wasn't you and just my fear and anxiety.  Forgive me for my selfish desires, God.

But today, I have peace. I haven't had that in over a year. It's so strange to be in one of my darkest days, where everything feels like its falling apart--but yet I have a peace that this is the right decision.

All of these months I thought bravery meant disregarding my fears and pushing forward in spite of them.  But today, bravery means trusting God and his goodness in my mess. It means showing up to doing hard things; validating my feelings. It means not knowing tomorrow but taking things breath by breath.

Lord, I don't deserve the people you have placed in my life who support me. Thank you for each one who has showed me such grace and care in this time.

Don't let me ever forget this moment-- to know how it feels to have people wrap around you in this type of way and may you offer me opportunity to pay it forward.

I love you, Lord.

Aud

Father God,

You never cease to amaze me. 2017 has been a year of adventures and unexpected surprises. Thanks for blessing me with the opportunity to go to Uganda, to explore your creation, meet your people, and make my world become larger than my familiar territory. And thank you for the beautiful souls that found themselves with me on that trip. Little did we know, we all needed each other in this season. Thanks for giving us technology and funds to continue these friendships to continue encouraging one another to "be of Good Courage" as Love Does.

And then, there was, Ryan.  It still blows my mind that you've counted me worthy to be a part of this man's life. He is brilliant and charming, but most of all he has a depth of heart that I respect and admire. He seeks you first and foremost.  God, I love him. I've never quite understood this depth of care for someone in quite this way. I want to give up everything, if it means that I would get to spend the rest of my days serving you alongside him.  Lord, the fears linger in the background but thanks for giving me peace in moving forward.  If nothing else, I know that even if the unforeseen would happen in our relationship, I don't doubt that the depth of my relationship with you would only grow in the midst of any adversities that could pop up.  Lord, I pray for Ryan. I pray that you give him discernment and wisdom as he thinks about the timeline for our future. It's in your hands God, and I happily release my clenched fists of timelines and milestones, and I let you dictate the path that this relationship should take.

Lord, I pray in this waiting of what is to come, that you would not let me run ahead of you.  Forgive me for the times when I move ahead without checking in on you. Be the pace setter of my heart. Prepare me to be the wife for Ryan that he needs me to be, so that we can both run relentlessly towards you.

I anticipate the months ahead to be full. Full of good and full of emotions.  God, would you help me keep perspective in the coming months. Help me to remember what is truly important and run after that.

I don't know what courage in you is going to require of me in the next year. I can imagine a little, but I don't think I can even grasp the magnitude of it at this point. But I will cling to you.

God, I pray for those who are lonely this season. I've known what that can feel like. I also know how amazing you are when we decide to pursue you relentlessly in the face of our loneliness.  Father, I pray for my friend Rita down the street. I don't know much about her but I pray for the opportunities while I still live here to get to know her heart.

Here's to what 2018 has to offer!

Audrey

Prayers in Process

Father God,

Wow! There is just so much going on in life right now. And tonight, I just have this inner need to come before you Lord on so many things.

Lord, I just pray about a difficult conversation that is ahead, Lord. Lord, I need you words and wisdom to even slightly approach this in a way that honors you and all involved. Lord, give me transparency and honesty that is drenched in patience and understanding of my own condition as a sinner. Lord, I pray that somehow you will use this situation for your glory. I can't see the bigger picture, so I trust that you see and know and will be my guide as I try to navigate this situation.

God, I lift up my relationship with Ryan to you. My feelings for him are really growing. I care deeply for him and when I see him hurt, I begin to feel that hurt with him. Lord, I just pray that you would continue to reveal to me your heart for this relationship.  I pray that if we are not encouraging each other to be more like you, you would make that clear and guide us in another direction. I pray that you are using this relationship in each of our lives, whether it is meant to be for a season or a lifetime.

God- thanks for the opportunity to meet his people, to hear their stories and their hearts, and for quality time  to dig deeper with Ryan in a way that lets me know him better. God, give me your mercy and grace to handle his past with care but also to not allow it to taint my view of him today. God, help me to see who he truly is today. I pray that if at anytime you don't have this relationship continue, it would be because of an important part of who we are now and not because of something in the past (even if the past may influence something now). God, I pray for your ultimate wisdom. As I continue to seek your will for my life and ultimately if marriage to Ryan will be a part of that--I pray for discernment to see areas that could be future roadblocks for both of us to successfully live out the calls you have placed on our lives.  God-- you continue to put the question on my heart-- Is this the kind of man that I would want my future children to become?

Things I Love About Ryan
- His Passion- He throws himself passionately into the priorities in his life
- His commitment to seeking Christ- continually reading, praying, seeking biblical truth
- His acceptance of accountability- Actively pursuing and trying to finding Christian accountability and brotherhood in Christ
- Generous Heart- Gives of himself, time, money, talent for others
- Desire to do the right thing, even when treated poorly or unfairly- family relationships are incredibly difficult and yet he has demonstrated his desire to respond with love and maturity
- His laugh-- I love laughing with him and just seeing his laugh
- His tenacity-  He is a go-getter, willing to put himself out there and take risks in trying new things in his work, relationship, etc.
- His vulnerability in leadership w/in the relationship- willing to take the first step in our relationship putting his heart out there, desire to be a provider and protector, go the extra mile to make long distance work
- Value of loyalty to family-  Seeing him with his grandma and the way he responded to her with love and support

Things I Fear About Ryan
- Anger- is there an underlying anger that could come out in a relationship in the future
- Differing values on disciplining children in the future?
- So intelligent that he could potentially be manipulative in relationships/controlling to get his desired outcome (ie- pawns to meet his own objectives)?
- Depth of his ability to empathize with others?
- Sensitivity to perceptions of being challenged- quick to debate and question rather than empathize and listen
- Are there unresolved family of origin issues that may present themselves, given the tumultuous relationship with his parents and the impact old, longheld cultural beliefs could have on a relationship
- Would he view a marriage as  something to domineer or would it be a true team/partnership?
- Would he use some of his family relationships to try to control a future spouse? Blame future spouse for issues in marriage? Would he take ownership?-- still some unknowns about his contributions to previous divorce.



Lord, I want to move forward with faith that all of these questions are in your hands. Lord, I pray that regardless of what happens in the relationship-- we would both be able to separate or move forward continuing to acknowledge the good that is ultimately present in one another. Help me to know what are Red Flags and Crucials Concerns to be listened to and what are quirks to be aware of but willing to accept in a partner.

Love you, Lord!

Audrey

A Willing Vessel

Father God,

The words of Paul to Peter in Galatians 2:15-21 just had a reverberating echo in my heart today during the sermon.  Nothing but faith in your free gift of the death and resurrection of your son can "justify" or make me right with you. But oh how my flesh, so often longs do "right" in your eyes.

Lord God, if there are still hints of legalism within me, I just pray that you would softly sand those edges in my heart. God, in your strength and your power, instill in me a balance of a heart to follow you but also as a person who recognizes their need for you and that perfection will never be obtainable. Lord, given me a reverence and fear for you that is not bound in legalism. Help me understand grace through your eyes.

Lord, I pray that I would not get caught up in the traditions and relatively "good" aspects of faith that become idols when they are our focus in worship, rather than these practices redirecting our hearts back to you and your grace-filled love.

Specifically this week, Lord, I pray for the clients that I will see. Lord, help me not try to "muscle it" with them.  Fill me with your wisdom and strength to tackle the hurt, pain, and shame that often takes residence in their hearts.  Lord, you know the particular person I have on my heart. Lord, your will be done. While I may not be able to speak your name directly, Lord, I pray in some way this person would have the opportunity to hear of the freedom that is found in you.  Lord, if I interact with this person, please be my words. On my own, I know I will fail.  But with you, I know you can move.

Lord, I am not currently serving anywhere in the body specifically.  You know my heart behind this, but I pray this week that you would give me eyes to see opportunities you put on my path to be a fellow sinner freed by grace with those around me. I don't know specifically what that looks like, but God I pray that you would fill me with your spirit, to recognize your promptings when they arise.

Lord, I again lift Ryan up to you and surrender him.  My hands sometimes want to hold so tightly, but I know I have to walk in faith that you know what you are doing. Give me strength to walk this journey with patience, wisdom as to how best to honor you in the relationship, and courage to be faithful to who you've made me to be and called me by name to be.  Lord, help me to live out the relationship as a person who is first named by you. I want you to be my foundation, my landing place, by guiding compass as I navigate this journey.  Be my joy, Lord. This is an exciting time. I pray I wouldn't get so lost in the process that I forget to enjoy it.  Thanks for an awesome day yesterday seeing him interact with the people in his life. Lord, help me to honor those relationships in his life.

God, somedays I just mess up. Forgive me when I lose focus on you first. I pray that your truth would act as my guide, when satan tries to catch me up with thinking that is not grounded in truth.


You are good God, alwasy good:)

Amen

Be my muscles, not the spotter as I try to lift the weight

Lord,

Wow! I am just so overwhelmed and grateful that you have been strategically putting people in my life all along to prepare me for what's next with you.  After praying for a long time that you would bring a mentor into my life, you did just that. I was not something I orchestrated or she orchestrated, it just happened. We were serving together and I saw something in her that made me say, "I want to learn from her" as I got to know her and see her serve alongside me.

Last night, I had the privilege of sitting with this wise woman of faith in a coffee shop to share my heart, my insecurities, and the places in me that desperately needed prayer.  Lord, as I start walking towards this new relationship with Ryan, she reminded me of the importance of clinging to your word and truth. She directs me back to you and reminds of who you are and how that informs this next walk of faith.

Lord, she spoke truth into some things that I will need to let go of if I enter into this relationship. She's reminded me that you will not forsake me regardless of the outcome over the next months and years.

God, I want nothing more than for you to refine me in this process. Make me more like you. I can't do this on my own. I can't let go of the fear, if you aren't on the other end of that rope I'm holding onto. I can't keep these hands open and stop my fists from clenching tight in fear, if I don't truly know deep inside that you are going to take my hand and guide me in the good and not so good.

Lord, I was listening to Beth Moore in my 2 Timothy bible study today and she stated, "perfectionism will ruin your ministry."  God, because I am in you, you have placed a calling over my life.  How it will all play out is in your hands. At the end of the day though, the thorn in my flesh is perfectionism. I want to do it the right way, no mistakes. And while a desire to do the right thing isn't in and of itself bad, I have to be careful. I am a sinner in need of grace. My story gleams of that. I never want to forget the dark times in life where you came to find me and reminded me that I didn't have to be who I was and that I was a new creation. Father God, I pray that you would release me from judgement of others or self-righteousness that doesn't even the playing field. My sins may have different coverings, but inside they are still sin all the same.  Help me to approach others as a fellow sinner in need of grace, wanting to grow and find the character of who you are in the everyday.

Lord, forgive me. All to often, I become like that person at the gym who tries to lift way too much weight and out of pride doesn't ask for someone to help. God, I need you to be my muscles because on my own I can't lift all that is ahead. I feel overwhelmed by how to make it all happen.  But God, I give it to you and ask that you be my strength and my shield. When I want to procrastinate due to perfectionism, remind me that it is in your strength and not mine.

Thanks for being a God of redemption.  Give me a heart to encourage others, as you have encouraged me.

Amen:)

With all I have,

Aud

An Untitled Future

I used to be afraid of being duped but now I'm more afraid of putting up so many walls in fear that I never allow myself love.  God, you have not only been in my past circumstances but you are just as much in my current circumstances.

As you know God, this last weekend marked an important milestone. Ryan came to meet "my people." These are the people who know the best and worst of me. They know my history and they know what I'm capable of in the future.  During the day prior to Ryan's arrival Friday night, I had this intense feeling of nerves.  In a way, I felt vulnerable to open up my world to someone who may or may not be a part of my future.  But there's this deep trust in my heart, Lord, that you know what your doing regardless of the outcome.  

The feeling that I was going to throw up from being so nervous quickly subsided as soon as he made his way to the door. There's just something about his presence that disarms me. He has this gentle spirit and a way of always communicating a deep respect for me even with his presence.  

God, he just eased into an intense weekend of meeting so many of my people with such an amazing attitude. He knew this was important to me, so therefore it was important to him.  I found out later that he even had a talk with my Dad about his respect for me.  Such a display of genuineness was never really a thought for me, but in retrospect it meant so much.  There was just such a consistency in his stories about him and his life regardless of who talked with him.  

Lord, I really like him.  With the blessing of my family and friends, I feel like I can move forward. I may still get hurt in the end, but my heart is getting involved and it's getting harder to fight it.  I trust you've got this. I trust that you have my future and I don't need to hold my fists so tightly that I can't be open to where you might be leading.

Lord, can you continue to show me how to communicate my care for him, at the same time protecting my heart from moving too fast?

God, while I know it's wise to get my people involved and have their insight, I pray that your voice would be the one I follow. Make your way clear, God. 

I pray for Ryan, Lord, that you remain his top priority. Lord, I pray for the things we've talked about that he feels you have led him to, Lord. I pray that he would meet you there and that your character would shine through the people he meets. God, I pray that you would bring Christians that can be vulnerable and accountable and want to be rooted deeper in you.  

Lord, I pray for his family. I may never meet them, but I already care about them--because I know Ryan does.  God, regardless of what they may think of me or the incongruence of their values with my relationship with Ryan--may I always have a heart to remember that at the end of the day--they are holding on to what they believe to be important to them and what they believe to be important to you. And while my view of you may differ and what I believe you value, help me never to lose respect and love for these people who have loved and raised, Ryan, to make him the man he is today. God, if it be your will, I pray that you would plant seeds of openness. At the same time, I recognize their family is in a state of shock with so many health concerns right now.  Lord, I pray that you bridge the gap for Ryan of where he wants his family to be and where they are right now. God--give him patience,wisdom, integrity, and character to trust you with changing their hearts rather than himself changing them.

Thanks for continuing to give me opportunities to trust, God. My heart is in this and I'm ready to be open to love--if that's what you have on the road ahead.

Love,

Aud

You Cannot Find Love if You Cannot Risk

My nephew has a curious obsession with spies. In his 5 year old mind, he dreams of the day he will stealthily sneak around to uncover the hidden evil of the world.  He grasped my hand as we entered the apartment complex, and warned me that only the best spies know how to keep quiet. I'm not sure if this was something he read or a sly technique his mother taught him to keep the neighbors happy. Nonetheless, it seemed like a reasonable task in our adventure as psuedo-spys.

When I start to think about my own  life though, sometimes I play the same game of spy.  I get so fearful of being manipulated, lied to, or hurt--that I feel the need to assume the worst in efforts to self-protect.  

But tonight in as I study 2nd Timothy; I took a look at Paul's love for Timothy.  But when we think of loving someone, Beth Moore writes, "It shoves you out there where your heart is exposed to the elements, to a place where you can really get hurt." She then goes on to say, "But what is life if we never love others past the rational sensibilities of self- protection." 

Golly-- guilty as charged!

I've recently been getting to know a guy I met on e-harmony.  While I've had a profile on the sites, I've never truly desired that my love story involve an online site.  Partially from bad experiences in the past, I've seen too many times a person can make themselves seem whoever they want to be when they are your only source information about their own character.  I don't think they do it out malicious intent, but I think when you are trying to impress someone many people often embellish who they are with stories of how they'd like to be portrayed. But only time and context can shape this more.

So as I develop a new friendship with this guy, I'm being stretched in a lot of good ways. I want to be wise, don't get me wrong but I'm intently choosing to give things a chance and to choose to believe the best as I continue to collect data.  But I have to throw off my spy gear, because truly loving someone even as a friend, requires our own appropriate vulnerability. It requires to be open about our beliefs, opinions, and thoughts and trust our gut and God that he will raise the warning flags if things no longer line up.  

God, that is my prayer tonight. Give me a balance of appropriate self-protection with a heart steadfast in you that is confident enough that if I get hurt--- you are the ultimate healer and will not leave me.  

Lord, your will be done in this situation. I want to honor you with my life. Give me your strength and wisdom to lead with an authentic friendship love for this new guy that can only come from your strength. Help me to love him by cautiously guarding my heart from sharing too much too soon. Lord, please be the pace setter in this relationship and give me your vision for how a future relationship might fulfill your plans and ministry for my life.

Thanks for not making me be a spy, God. I trust you got your eye on things, so I can let this up to you as the professional:)

All my heart,

Audrey

Daily Divine Assignments

Oh Lord,

You truly know the depths of my heart.  Tonight, we were asked to attend C4 with our graduating seniors from student ministries. Now, I haven't been to C4 in years. There have been a lot of leadership changes, etc. but I stopped going because I felt like I had "aged out."  So tonight, if I'm totally honest, I was dragging my feet and going begrudgingly.

But what you said to me in the times of worship and delving into you word was, "I hear you, I see you, and I care."  God, today and this week really, I have just come face to face with my areas of weakness. Pride, jealousy, entitlement, insecurity, comparison....just a few of the things in my self-awareness.  No one ever really wants to be aware of their downfalls, let alone recognize that other people are probably keenly aware of them as they interact.  So sometimes, I feel like a failure or lose hope that these things in me will ever change. I worry that even if they were to change, would it be enough to change the perceptions others already have of me?  And this is when I fall to me knees.

Lord, I can't change these things about myself on my own. You and I both know that I have tried and tried in my own strength, and just become jaded to the realities of these things.  But God, tonight as Mark spoke, I was reminded of the Glory of you are. You ARE the good Sheperd. You come searching for me, because I am one of your sheep. You know these things about me and you still love me.

Lord, I need your help to have a vertical focus on you and life in light of eternity.  My vulnerability is took look around me and compare, and desire affirmation from others--rather than seeking your affirmation first and foremost.

God, you know there is one person at work right now who I have written a narrative in my head that, "she doesn't like me"..which has caused me to be standoffish and probably put off a vibe that I am not open or welcoming.  I wrestle with this narrative, because I don't know that she feels this way, but from our interactions--it's how I feel. I think about having dialogue, but I also know she has anxieties of her own and I don't want her to feel more uncomfortable by my direct conversation. I want to be humbled, Lord. I don't always celebrate others the way they deserve. I am quick to want credit for what I've done. I want to be "special" and "an expert', when I truly am a novice just doing the best I can.  Lord, this wrestle with pride and insecurity is without a doubt the thorn in my side. It causes me to doubt and lack self-confidence to engage the world in the way my heart wants to be able to engage. It does not allow me to empower those I work with and celebrate the strengths that they possess as well. I run my life from a framework of scarcity-- where there is not enough power, glory, recognition--and I must vie for my piece of things. But not only is it wrong--it's exhausting.

But I know that you are the God I serve. And my God is capable of transformation. I believe that you can still use someone as deeply flawed as me, because it's in my weakness that you are strong.  Lord, I pray that you would soften my heart to not only understand intellectually, but deeply that others can be great--and that doesn't take away from the my gifts. Lord, help me not to find my worth in what I do or what others say of me---but in what you say of me.  Help me to remember whose I am.

Tonight, I heard you challenge me with the question, "What is my divine assignment today?" Lord, I pray that you would give me your eyes to see that just because I think it, doesn't mean it's true. Lord give me discernment to know when it's time to have important conversations and when I need to initiate these conversations.  But Lord, I pray for the opportunity to intentionally respond in ways that reflect you and your glory.

Father God, I pray for a quiet confidence that doesn't need accolades, but rests in the understanding of who I am in Christ. Help me to be quick to acknowledge my mistakes and take responsibility. Allow me to not take offense when someone else takes the glory, and rest in knowing that I did my part. Help me to stay behind the scenes and to take risks to achieve the things you put in my heart. I pray in turn, others would be encouraged to have a quiet confidence of their own.

Love always,
Audrey

Father God,

It's been a long time since I've had the deep soul need to splatter my heart out in writing to try to make sense of things.
You are so good and you have allowed this winter season to be filled with so many new and exciting experiences, people, and opportunities.  As exciting as it all is, life just feels a little full right now. You know the kind of full where if you eat anymore, your button might pop off your shirt.

And here's the thing, it's all good stuff Lord.  But I know me and I know how you've wired me and sometimes if I'm not careful-- all the really good stuff becomes sludge bursting at the seams because there is just too much of it.

Thanks for tonight,for reminding me that you've got "this". You are in the nitty gritty details and you've given me tools to wade through the mess. My mess and the mess that I step into walking alongside others.

Thanks for the gift of exercise and the tool of putting my sneakers to the pavement (or treadmill) and working out the hard stuff that way.  Lord, thanks for giving me a bit of self-control today. Sometimes when I experience something that is uncomfortable or I'm not sure what to do with, my first inclination is to run to someone I trust and process it with them. That's not bad in and of itself, but when it involves others--I'm continuing to learn that taking it to you first is always best.

Lord--one of my clients "dumped" some stuff today in the session. Over the years, I've been pretty good about not picking up their garbage bags, but rather giving them the lift to put them on the landfill pile for good.  But for some reason today, the garbage just sat with me and it just sat rotting in the depths of my heart without escaping.

I know that there is probably some "counter transference" as we call it in counseling.  It's a good reminder for me, that just like my clients, I have my own stuff. Stuff that I've felt that I've dealt with and grieved and forgiven. But sometimes that stuff still pops back up.  I'm really grateful though that you brought it to my awareness in the session, and I became intentional about not responding out of my own experience or values-- but holding to the unconditional positive regard.

Lord, I want to believe that I love the sinner and don't judge others out of my own insecurities. But I still do sometimes. I just pray that my heart would continue to be scrubbed and refined to reflect you more.

Lord, there are also so many unexpected new relationship kinds of things popping up in life. And I am totally not always graceful in knowing how to handle things. Lord, give me your eyes to address others that ultimately reflects you.

This is my ultimate prayer--God, I pray that in my days and my life, when people look at me--all they can see is the goodness and glory of who you are. Lord, life looks really different than I have planned, but I celebrate the expectancy that this timeline will ultimately make your name great beyond what I could imagine. Lord, I want people to look at my life and say, "only by the grace of God" and "He truly is a faithful God."  The details of all that, I leave to you.

I feel lighter already, releasing it all to you. Thanks for being my one and only God.

You are good---always good.

Audrey

Contentment

Father God,

Twenty-nine has hit me hard. With 30 peaking around the corner next year, I have somehow inadvertantly allowed my unmet life timeline dictate my joy.  Lord, I pray for my future husband. I know he's out there and I refuse to give up hope. I know you are a faithful God. But protect me, Lord. Somehow I feel more vulnerable than ever before. Vulnerable to giving up hope that there is a perfectly imperfect man out there that I can serve with deep love.
Lord, I feel vulnerable to the temptation to just settle for something counterfit and less than your best. Protect me, Lord. Give me a strength I didn't know was within me to resist the counterfit.  Satan wants nothing more than for my hope to be dashed and my certainty in you to be jaded. But Lord, I just pray that you would surround me today and in the coming weeks.
Lord, give me your wisdom when something is worth continuing to pursue and wisdom when its perfectly okay to allow the door to close.

When the dreams or thoughts of past relationships slip into my mind; allow me to acknowledge them but let them keep on moving. Don't allow me to dwell on the things I cannot change, and help me to stay focused in the present.

Lord, you know I've been praying alongside friends who are also in a season of waiting with infertility.  Father, I beg you to burst forth in this situation and bring them the joy of a child. Father, I just pray that as you make the next steps of the journey so clear, that you would just let your glory shine all over their situation.  I don't understand it, Lord...but I cling to the facts I know to be true.

You are a loving God, and you have a higher view point than our finite view.
You are ferocious pursuer and you will not let any time be wasted on an opportunity to draw your children closer to you.

Lord, I have no idea what I'm doing with my future. But I know it's in your hands.  I just want to know your heart for my future, Lord.  I will take it one day at a time, but I just pray that you will continue to purify and chip away the chipped pieces of my heart.

Lord,
Thanks for listening to my heart when it feels just so many things.  Make yourself present to me Lord. Guide me and direct me, in the ways that only you can.  You are the greatest romantic out there...thanks for pursuing me always in just the ways I need pursued.

You are the best, God.

Audrey

Bushwacking Bitterness

Jesus,

What a week! This week, I've been plunged into the depths of self-awareness about the condition of my heart.  You see, there has been a bit of a stirring in my heart, causing a rumble of discontent that hovers deep in my belly.

I've discovered some underlying thoughts that have unknowingly taken root in my heart.

A Spirit of scarcity-  I've noticed that as co-workers grow and break out establishing new aspects to our program, I've experienced a deep tinge of bitterness when their parts flourish and mine seems to be struggling. It's as if I believe that there is not enough success to go around, as if their success will overshadow any of my future successes. What a lie, satan.  Lord, I long for a heart of abundance that genuinely and authentically celebrates the success and growth of others.  Lord, I need your help with this. This week, I'm going to work heart to intentionally overcoming my pity parties with genuine verbal encouragement of those moving our patients to greater wellness. God, I pray for a humble spirit that cheers on the success of others. At the same time, don't let me believe the lie that any of my successes are less valuable than others.  Lord, squelch my desire to be valuable and noticed by man and replace it with a deep awareness of my value in your sight regardless of my performance. God, I pray that you would use this challenging season---give it purpose and value in a way that will honor you. I trust that your ways are higher and you understand.

Lord,
This has been a really lonely week.  I'm probably not helping this much by staying in the house, online shopping and waiting for the day to be over so a new days can come tomorrow.

Father, in this season of loneliness, I pray that you would make my heart sensitive to others who may be feeling lonely.  Lord, I don't know what this looks like, but I ask that you would infuse and guide me with a spirit leading to seek those people out.  Lord, I still have no idea how to make this if table work without the table. I pray that if this is something you want me to pursue, you would make just the right table available.

Lord,
I dream of an if:table made of the most tarnished of barnwoods. I dream of a table that's been through the rough and tumble of life but is allowing itself to be made beautiful by it's purpose to serve.

God,
I celebrate the ability this week to pursue some joys of my heart.  Cooking new recipes, getting into an agenda of wellness with training for the half-marathon, laying awake at night with the lullaby of worship music singing me into my dreams, the morning commute with morning meditations starting my day with a posture of looking upward,  cutting fresh flowers from the garden, time to read books off my to read pile, time to write and dream with you.

All of these things---thank you! These all speak to you and who you are, the blessings you've given in the midst of the difficult.  Lord, I trust your plan. You are not witholding good from me. You are preserving me for your best for me.  Lord, I long to live a life of purpose.  When I die, my prayer is that when my life is talked about-- people would say, "Her life spoke of Jesus."  I'm far from that now, Lord, but I pray that I would continue to trust you.  These dreams I have, that I can hardly write on paper because they seem so silly and impossible--I give those to you today.  Lord--I'm willing to dream with you, if you can open up the doors.


With all my heart,

Audrey

Are you hurting and broken within
Overwhelmed by the weight of your sin
Jesus is calling
Have you come to the end of yourself
Do you thirst for a drink from the well
Jesus is calling

[Chorus:]
O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

[Verse 2:]
Leave behind your regrets and mistakes
Come today there's no reason to wait
Jesus is calling
Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy
From the ashes a new life is born
Jesus is calling

[Chorus x2:]
O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

[Bridge x2:]
Oh what a Savior
Isn't he wonderful
Sing alleluia, Christ is risen
Bow down before him
For he is Lord of all
Sing alleluia, Christ is risen

[Chorus x2:]
O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

[Verse 3:]
Bear your cross as you wait for the crown
Tell the world of the treasure you've found

God, these lyrics are on replay today. I'm entering this season of just longing for heart change.  Lord, I become so overwhelmed by my sin-- my selfishness, my pride, my jealousy, my bitterness.  This is not all of me, but I've been seeing these things popping up in my heart.

Lord, I want nothing less than for my character to mirror who you are.  God, I rejoice in the fact that these inner beasts have already been conquered by you on the cross. But I refuse to become complacent and let them lead me where I'd rather not go. God, in the year ahead, please strengthen me with renewed perspective and refine me to have a heart more like yours. You and I both know that I can't do that on my own. It's just not possible.

The last few weeks have just been so all over the place.  Lord, so many people around me are just struggling with so many aspects of life.  Lord, I don't know what to say all the time. I don't always know the best time to be silent and the best time to speak. Give me wisdom this week God.

I got an e-mail about possible career opportunities in Houston, Texas.  God, when I think about leaving my friends and family again for a place far away, my inner core is petrified.  But when I think about how much faith it would take and how much I would need you every second, I get a bit of excitement at the idea.  It's probably a long shot. But God, before I went to Rochester, you made it very clear that is where I am supposed to be.  Lord, I will only go if you make it very clear that I am supposed to be there.  Lord, I don't want to run somewhere new just for the thrill of something different and to get away from the mundane. But I also don't want to let the comfort of the mundane keep me from your best.

Anywho...I'm just going to rest in you this week, Jesus. Thanks for carrying all the tough stuff and future uncertainties for me.

You da' bomb!

Audrey

God,

I feel so much right now. I am a person who struggles with anxiety and depression.  I think that is the first time that I have allowed those words to be so starkly permanent on a page.  Throughout my life I've had these episodes every few years. They seem to strike most distinctly in the winter months after the whirlwind of Christmas subsides and can last for months.

The anxiety feels suffocating. My laid back and care free nature is replaced with a torment and daily assault of my peace of heart and contentment.  I can't ever truly place my finger on the origin.  It can be brought on by increased stress or seem out of the blue.  And often in these moments, my self-confidence shakes me to my very core. The tasks that once were effortless now seem overwhelming and insurmountable.  I celebrate the little things in these times. The fact that I completed the laundry, went to the grocery store, made a meal, got through my day.  It feels almost ridiculous to write, but when anxiety and depression loom, this is a reality.  And I know that I am not alone in this. I know many experience these episodes from time to time as well.  But there is something that makes me hide in these moments. When I feel on edge, when it feels as if some undefined catastrophic event looms in my future-- I don't want people to see me like this.  In my mind, I know that isolation does not help my situation, but the chance that people will replace their view of me based on this person I've become scares the living daylights out of me. I don't want this to be my character and how I am remembered.

But perhaps in this period, you are reminding me God that you know me. That you designed me for "such a time as this" and you love me deeply even in my weakness.  God, in the midst of this, I choose to believe that you are still Good. I choose to believe that out of the ashes you can create beauty.  I choose to believe that my story is far from done and this chapter is setting me up to love better than I have loved before.

God, when I feel this way I can become so self-focused.  This week-- can you give me eyes to see people...I mean to truly see and listen and care in a way that let's people know..I see you and I care?  God, I pray for stories to write about at the end of my week of the people you place on my path. Can you please bring people on my path this week who I can learn from?

God, can you give me new perspective this week? Help me to see opportunities rather than obstacles.
Lord, I pray for my neighbor. I don't know her background, or her story, but I pray that her heart would rest in the truth of your love for her.  God, I pray for this whole neighborhood. I don't know everyone or all that goes on behind everyone's doors, but I pray that you would be known in this neighborhood. I pray that miracles would happen in this neighborhood and people would be united in your name. God, help me to break out of my comfort zone.

Thanks for carrying my load Lord,

A