https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdJz_mB1f_I
Father God,
The battle in my heart is raging. My heart and my flesh are battling; each with a fierce determination to win. I truly just want you...but what does that mean? How do I determine which is which?
Thank you for giving me a few days away in the presence of your nature at the Bodenstab's Lake House. Thank you for the Bodenstabs and the ways they love so deeply and genuinely. Thank you for Beth and her encouragement in trusting Jesus with the known of our story and journey. Thank you for your word and the Truth that washes over me like a deep bath for the soul.
You've given me Galatians 5:1. It has popped up over 4 times in random places over the last few days.
For Freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.
Oh how I've wrestled Lord in my own strength and intellectualization to figure out what this means for me. Is fear my yoke of slavery or is it with my pride/idolatry?
But when I look at this passage, Paul was telling the Jews that they are under a new covenant. The act of circumcision and obedience to the law no longer had any part in their salvation. They are saved by grace alone. Their debt was paid already in full. Any act of earning favor with God, was living in a yoke of slavery. They are free to walk without the weight of trying to "fix it" or make it right, but to accept it as a free gift.
My fear is most about making the "wrong choice" in this situation. But you tell me, I can walk in freedom that there is not a right or wrong choice in this, because you are with me. I can be free of the pressure to figure it all out.
Lord, at times in my heart I feel that trying to seek restoration with Ryan would come from my deep pain and understanding of my own sin. I don't deserve your grace and yet in love you give it to me freely. It's almost like I would be motivated to give Ryan mercy and grace because I feel like I owe it to you for what you've done for me. And yet, this passage is saying-- Audrey- I died for you free of charge. You don't owe me anything. Stop trying to do things because you feel it would somehow pay me back. I've given you freedom to choose--to choose me first. You don't have to be a martyr. Mercy and Grace and Forgiveness don't always mean a relationship continues. Sometimes the most loving, grace-filled, and merciful thing to do is to let go. To trust Him, that it is ok to release and surrender. If God wants us to remain together--He will do it.
Letting go of hope of restoration, Lord, this is a surrender. It goes against every fiber of my being and is harder than staying in it and fighting for it. It is trusting you and wanting to obey you and let you do your work. My flesh wants to be with Ryan regardless of what that means. But my heart knows deeply that moving forward would be a path of destruction. It would be making him an idol again above you. Could you still use it if I move forward? For sure. But if you wanted to do that, my heart would not feel so afraid. YOU are FOR me. You want the best for me. I trust the letter I received was a gift from you--protecting me, and gently reminding me that I can trust that you are in me and you will not lead me astray. For you have given me a Hope and a Future. I had those gut feelings all along but didn't want to believe them when there was no proof. So why would I disregard this gut that is telling me that restoration needs to happen in you--and not include me.
I believe you can restore Ryan. I wish I could have a front row seat to watch it all. But I just need to trust him over to you. His healing is not mine, it is yours to do. I may not understand why this is what I need to do, but I trust you do. Walking in restoration with him would be more out of fear of being seen by him and others as lacking mercy and grace, rather than what I know to be true-- that walking away is sometimes the most loving thing to do.
Lord, if I continue on a path of seeking restoration of relationship with Ryan, I am walking right back into the trap of placing my relationship with him above you. I think the still small voice in my heart knows that pursuing restoration may look good on the outside, but it is not the most loving thing to do. You tell me in your word that loving YOU with my whole heart is the greatest command AND then, Love your neighbor as yourself.
We can't love others, if you aren't primary. First and foremost. When I was with Ryan--all I could think about was Ryan and our relationship, and the lack of peace. I stopped reading your word for a time because every time I did, my heart knew that I was not walking in your steps but in the steps I wanted for myself.
You tell me in Matthew 22: 36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
Lord, I go back to work in a few days. This story is still unfolding. I need you desperately to give me strength and peace in the first week back. Allow me to be gentle with myself. My mind may struggle to stay on task, so Lord, please give me a focus that can only come from you. Let me zero in on what you want to do in the moment and allow you to carry the conversation for next week.
Father, If I am wrong in all of this, let me know. If you do want me to move forward in walking alongside with Ryan to see if Restoration is possible---make that loud and clear. But this is my heart---torn in two-- and wanting to be know you and be known by you more and more each day.
Audrey
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