Father God,

For far too long, I have been a hearer of the word-- but not always letting that translate over into the doing of the word.  I feel burnt out right now in so many aspects of life.  And I know, your word promises that there will be times like these.  But I also know that you are a big God who can do far more than we think or imagine.

Something I loved about my relationship with Ryan, was that he was totally my opposite in so many ways. I am the rule-follower, the perfectionist, the play it safe girl-- and he is the risk-averse dreamer.  And while these differences caused some anxiety in my risk-averse heart, he also pushed me and believed in me like no one before.  Perhaps it was superficial charm. I'm still trying to figure this out.  But God-- he's been consistent. I've never doubted his love for me for a moment. There was a safety and comfort in his rose-colored, positive perspective. 

God, I want to do big things with Ryan. He's been my teammate the last year and it's hard to imagine that you could do anything big in my life without him. And yet, with all that has happened in the last two months--I'm left looking at two choices-- of which I like neither. 1.) Moving forward with life without him and 2.) Moving forward with life with him--w/the anxiety of his past hanging around like an ever-present possibility of future heartache at every possible turn.

Lord, the next month-- there will be a lot to take in.  I pray over each step we are taking to discern the next step you are calling us.  God, if I am to release him-- I pray that you would bring opportunities for life-giving work or something meaningful to fill my days for you.  But if I am to move forward, God-- I ask for a peace that surpasses all understanding. I just pray for confidence in your direction one way or another. 

God-- you have given me the burning in my belly in the past to know when to move forward and when to move backward.  I just pray that you would help me to listen to that still small voice inside--that is your holy spirit-- to lead and guide.

I can't do this on my own, Lord. If Ryan and I are to move forward, you must move in mighty ways in my heart. I can't will this or do this in my own strength.  The fear is just overwhelming.  But I do believe in You, a God who can move mountains, if it be his will. So God, I continue to trust in you that you will show up in the next two months.

I don't know how you want to use this crummy time in my life, but I give it freely to you to use. 

Lord- the If table idea continues to be on my heart. Lord, I will walk forward in faith that this is what you want me to do. I will put my money towards this-- because I believe this prompting is from you.

Amen!

Aud

This is Healing Part x 2

Father God,

Today was the day that was going to be my bridal shower. And today I let myself grieve the loss of what was supposed to be...but I also let myself live in what is today. The past few days I have had some of my lifelong friends just demonstrate the depth of true friendships. They sat with me, processed with me-- even when I wasn't fun or exciting. We did special things together that for a time distracted me from the pain.

But tonight, I watched a movie the=at moved me deeply. The story of Mercy Me and the way you turned beauty and restoration from the ashes. Holy Molie-- God you are amazing. And you are the same God today who still continues to redeem.

God, I wanted to text Ryan so badly throughout the day. So many reminders of him and us...and the depth of friendship we've shared.  But for today, I share that with you. The next few weeks/months are in your hands. God, I just pray that if we are ever going to move forward--that you just help me to know in my spirit that Ryan is authentically repentant. God, I know things aren't always about feelings because feelings change-- but I just pray for a gut feeling that I know that I know that I know....that it is REAL repentance--true--- and only for you.

And God....if I am to walk away. I pray that I would know that I know that I know that it is the right thing to do. I pray that you would give me a strength I didn't think I had--to walk away.  But I can't move forward or move backwards without you and your strength. Because without you---I am just a weakling- tossed in the waves.

I love you, Lord.

Amen.