Father God,
Today was the day that was going to be my bridal shower. And today I let myself grieve the loss of what was supposed to be...but I also let myself live in what is today. The past few days I have had some of my lifelong friends just demonstrate the depth of true friendships. They sat with me, processed with me-- even when I wasn't fun or exciting. We did special things together that for a time distracted me from the pain.
But tonight, I watched a movie the=at moved me deeply. The story of Mercy Me and the way you turned beauty and restoration from the ashes. Holy Molie-- God you are amazing. And you are the same God today who still continues to redeem.
God, I wanted to text Ryan so badly throughout the day. So many reminders of him and us...and the depth of friendship we've shared. But for today, I share that with you. The next few weeks/months are in your hands. God, I just pray that if we are ever going to move forward--that you just help me to know in my spirit that Ryan is authentically repentant. God, I know things aren't always about feelings because feelings change-- but I just pray for a gut feeling that I know that I know that I know....that it is REAL repentance--true--- and only for you.
And God....if I am to walk away. I pray that I would know that I know that I know that it is the right thing to do. I pray that you would give me a strength I didn't think I had--to walk away. But I can't move forward or move backwards without you and your strength. Because without you---I am just a weakling- tossed in the waves.
I love you, Lord.
Amen.
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