A Willing Vessel

Father God,

The words of Paul to Peter in Galatians 2:15-21 just had a reverberating echo in my heart today during the sermon.  Nothing but faith in your free gift of the death and resurrection of your son can "justify" or make me right with you. But oh how my flesh, so often longs do "right" in your eyes.

Lord God, if there are still hints of legalism within me, I just pray that you would softly sand those edges in my heart. God, in your strength and your power, instill in me a balance of a heart to follow you but also as a person who recognizes their need for you and that perfection will never be obtainable. Lord, given me a reverence and fear for you that is not bound in legalism. Help me understand grace through your eyes.

Lord, I pray that I would not get caught up in the traditions and relatively "good" aspects of faith that become idols when they are our focus in worship, rather than these practices redirecting our hearts back to you and your grace-filled love.

Specifically this week, Lord, I pray for the clients that I will see. Lord, help me not try to "muscle it" with them.  Fill me with your wisdom and strength to tackle the hurt, pain, and shame that often takes residence in their hearts.  Lord, you know the particular person I have on my heart. Lord, your will be done. While I may not be able to speak your name directly, Lord, I pray in some way this person would have the opportunity to hear of the freedom that is found in you.  Lord, if I interact with this person, please be my words. On my own, I know I will fail.  But with you, I know you can move.

Lord, I am not currently serving anywhere in the body specifically.  You know my heart behind this, but I pray this week that you would give me eyes to see opportunities you put on my path to be a fellow sinner freed by grace with those around me. I don't know specifically what that looks like, but God I pray that you would fill me with your spirit, to recognize your promptings when they arise.

Lord, I again lift Ryan up to you and surrender him.  My hands sometimes want to hold so tightly, but I know I have to walk in faith that you know what you are doing. Give me strength to walk this journey with patience, wisdom as to how best to honor you in the relationship, and courage to be faithful to who you've made me to be and called me by name to be.  Lord, help me to live out the relationship as a person who is first named by you. I want you to be my foundation, my landing place, by guiding compass as I navigate this journey.  Be my joy, Lord. This is an exciting time. I pray I wouldn't get so lost in the process that I forget to enjoy it.  Thanks for an awesome day yesterday seeing him interact with the people in his life. Lord, help me to honor those relationships in his life.

God, somedays I just mess up. Forgive me when I lose focus on you first. I pray that your truth would act as my guide, when satan tries to catch me up with thinking that is not grounded in truth.


You are good God, alwasy good:)

Amen

Be my muscles, not the spotter as I try to lift the weight

Lord,

Wow! I am just so overwhelmed and grateful that you have been strategically putting people in my life all along to prepare me for what's next with you.  After praying for a long time that you would bring a mentor into my life, you did just that. I was not something I orchestrated or she orchestrated, it just happened. We were serving together and I saw something in her that made me say, "I want to learn from her" as I got to know her and see her serve alongside me.

Last night, I had the privilege of sitting with this wise woman of faith in a coffee shop to share my heart, my insecurities, and the places in me that desperately needed prayer.  Lord, as I start walking towards this new relationship with Ryan, she reminded me of the importance of clinging to your word and truth. She directs me back to you and reminds of who you are and how that informs this next walk of faith.

Lord, she spoke truth into some things that I will need to let go of if I enter into this relationship. She's reminded me that you will not forsake me regardless of the outcome over the next months and years.

God, I want nothing more than for you to refine me in this process. Make me more like you. I can't do this on my own. I can't let go of the fear, if you aren't on the other end of that rope I'm holding onto. I can't keep these hands open and stop my fists from clenching tight in fear, if I don't truly know deep inside that you are going to take my hand and guide me in the good and not so good.

Lord, I was listening to Beth Moore in my 2 Timothy bible study today and she stated, "perfectionism will ruin your ministry."  God, because I am in you, you have placed a calling over my life.  How it will all play out is in your hands. At the end of the day though, the thorn in my flesh is perfectionism. I want to do it the right way, no mistakes. And while a desire to do the right thing isn't in and of itself bad, I have to be careful. I am a sinner in need of grace. My story gleams of that. I never want to forget the dark times in life where you came to find me and reminded me that I didn't have to be who I was and that I was a new creation. Father God, I pray that you would release me from judgement of others or self-righteousness that doesn't even the playing field. My sins may have different coverings, but inside they are still sin all the same.  Help me to approach others as a fellow sinner in need of grace, wanting to grow and find the character of who you are in the everyday.

Lord, forgive me. All to often, I become like that person at the gym who tries to lift way too much weight and out of pride doesn't ask for someone to help. God, I need you to be my muscles because on my own I can't lift all that is ahead. I feel overwhelmed by how to make it all happen.  But God, I give it to you and ask that you be my strength and my shield. When I want to procrastinate due to perfectionism, remind me that it is in your strength and not mine.

Thanks for being a God of redemption.  Give me a heart to encourage others, as you have encouraged me.

Amen:)

With all I have,

Aud

An Untitled Future

I used to be afraid of being duped but now I'm more afraid of putting up so many walls in fear that I never allow myself love.  God, you have not only been in my past circumstances but you are just as much in my current circumstances.

As you know God, this last weekend marked an important milestone. Ryan came to meet "my people." These are the people who know the best and worst of me. They know my history and they know what I'm capable of in the future.  During the day prior to Ryan's arrival Friday night, I had this intense feeling of nerves.  In a way, I felt vulnerable to open up my world to someone who may or may not be a part of my future.  But there's this deep trust in my heart, Lord, that you know what your doing regardless of the outcome.  

The feeling that I was going to throw up from being so nervous quickly subsided as soon as he made his way to the door. There's just something about his presence that disarms me. He has this gentle spirit and a way of always communicating a deep respect for me even with his presence.  

God, he just eased into an intense weekend of meeting so many of my people with such an amazing attitude. He knew this was important to me, so therefore it was important to him.  I found out later that he even had a talk with my Dad about his respect for me.  Such a display of genuineness was never really a thought for me, but in retrospect it meant so much.  There was just such a consistency in his stories about him and his life regardless of who talked with him.  

Lord, I really like him.  With the blessing of my family and friends, I feel like I can move forward. I may still get hurt in the end, but my heart is getting involved and it's getting harder to fight it.  I trust you've got this. I trust that you have my future and I don't need to hold my fists so tightly that I can't be open to where you might be leading.

Lord, can you continue to show me how to communicate my care for him, at the same time protecting my heart from moving too fast?

God, while I know it's wise to get my people involved and have their insight, I pray that your voice would be the one I follow. Make your way clear, God. 

I pray for Ryan, Lord, that you remain his top priority. Lord, I pray for the things we've talked about that he feels you have led him to, Lord. I pray that he would meet you there and that your character would shine through the people he meets. God, I pray that you would bring Christians that can be vulnerable and accountable and want to be rooted deeper in you.  

Lord, I pray for his family. I may never meet them, but I already care about them--because I know Ryan does.  God, regardless of what they may think of me or the incongruence of their values with my relationship with Ryan--may I always have a heart to remember that at the end of the day--they are holding on to what they believe to be important to them and what they believe to be important to you. And while my view of you may differ and what I believe you value, help me never to lose respect and love for these people who have loved and raised, Ryan, to make him the man he is today. God, if it be your will, I pray that you would plant seeds of openness. At the same time, I recognize their family is in a state of shock with so many health concerns right now.  Lord, I pray that you bridge the gap for Ryan of where he wants his family to be and where they are right now. God--give him patience,wisdom, integrity, and character to trust you with changing their hearts rather than himself changing them.

Thanks for continuing to give me opportunities to trust, God. My heart is in this and I'm ready to be open to love--if that's what you have on the road ahead.

Love,

Aud