Beginning to Believe Again

This morning, I got up early on an early morning run with a friend along the canal. I was so renewed as we ran, prayed, and encouraged one another. These runs along the canal and the fellowship with friends along the way will be some of what I miss most about Rochester when I leave. I hope that I can find this again when I move back to Lancaster!

Before I came to Rochester, I felt confident that the Lord had some major reason for me to move here. In the beginning, the Lord was really showing me the woman I truly was and the woman I desired to be for HIM. Somewhere along the way, I had lost that hope and confidence. I felt like maybe I had just fulled myself. Maybe it was all just wishful thinking.

But today...as I heard this song pop up on Pandora, by Ginny Owens, I was reminded that even if this journey wasn't quite how I had planned, there were A LOT of lessons learned. I am once again believing that God had a purpose for my Rochester experience, if only to grow in greater understanding of my need for HIM!!! I want to live a life the honors and glorifies him....but I want it to all be a result of Him and not my own efforts. It's exciting to know that my life journey is only beginning and the next year will hold a lot of "newness" and time requiring lots of patience and endurance. I am ready for my next adventure with God. I am so excited to be dreaming again about all that God is capable of and I am thrilled to see what passions he places upon my heart in the next year. Fresh starts are always an opportunity for God to work in unimaginable ways:)

If you want me to

Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I dont know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to

CHORUS:
Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

Rereading the book Captivating the other night. I came across this section and just thought that it was just what God has been speaking into my life.

"God wants to live this life together with you, to share in your days and decisions, your desires and disappointments. He wants intimacy with you in the midst of the madness and mundane, the meetings and memos, the laundry and lists, the carpools and conversations and projects and pain. He wants to pour his love into your heart and he longs to have you pour your into his. He wants your deep heart, that center place within that is the trues you. He is not interested in intimacy with the woman you think you are supposed to be. He wants intimacy with the real you." (p.121)

Oh my goodness... Lord...that struck me in the deepest corners of my heart. I am constantly trying to come before you acting like the woman I think you want me to be. I am not real with you. Even though you know me better than I know myself...I have this unconscious belief that if I pretend and hide, you will love me. But you really want to know me. To know my deepest fears, insecurities, short comings. You want me to speak to you as a best friend, confidant, and father.

Why am I so afraid of the person you have created me to be? You have purpose for my life. I want to adventure with you and I want to captivate you Lord. Please be with me on this journey.

Vulnerability

vul·ner·a·ble: a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

guard·ed: 3. Cautious; restrained

Emotions we have not poured out in the safe hands of God can turn into feelings of hopelessness and depression. God is safe. ~Beth Moore

Oh vulnerability...who knew you would be such a challenge for me. Over the last several months it has come to my attention how difficulty is for me to let my guard down. It is hard for me to let people in, to let them see my hurt, pain, and struggles. It's as if I have this constant need to hide the person God has made me ...good,bad, and ugly.

Maybe my struggle to be vulnerable with others is related to my inability to do the same with God. Maybe I hold things back from him out of shame. I want transformation.....I want to be made new.....but I have to let God do it from the inside out...and it will take time. Wounds of the heart can open quickly....but they take time to heal. I have to be patient with God and with myself..even though my impatient heart is crying out for it now!

I was watching the Beth Moore Video...the healing heart...and I just felt encouraged to once again lay it all before the Lord. But she states that we cannot just let God heal at the surface level, we have to let him heal to the deepest roots of our pain, shame, guilt, and sin. Otherwise, the hurt will continue to resurface at the utter scratch of the wound in the future. It sounds so good and perfect....but I'll be honest...it's hard for me to imagine what it would look like for these wounds I have been carrying to be fully healed. I feel like the same wounds that I think have been healed...fester and explode.

Lord...Show me how to open up....teach me how to love. I am not sure right now if I truly know what it means to love. And maybe that is because I am not allowing God's love to heal this broken heart. I am trying to "will it". But Lord...I give it up to you AGAIN.....and I pray for the deepest healing and transformation I have yet to see. The next few months hold a lot of unknowns.....but I still trust with a weary heart that you have something bigger in store.