"May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, and starvation, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy. And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done. May God bless you with the weirdest blessing possible--his divine burden."
--Craig Groeschel
I have not written for a while. Lately, I suppose I've been processing life internally, rather than sprawling it all out on the computer screen. I'm realizing my true nature as a woman comes out in my inability to "just let things go" and my need to process my experiences and emotions thoroughly, over and over again until I can come to some terms or acceptance of it all.
Recently, I watched my all-time favorite movie, Freedom Writers. One of the best quotes of the movie, is when the father of a inner-city teacher, who was once discouraging of his daughter's passion for the work, states, "You are blessed with a burden, my daughter." To be blessed with a burden?? It's sounds absurd and yet I've experienced so much truth in it.
I love the mystery of God's divine nature. It shows up in the unlikely people, events, and emotions. As someone who's default is to suppress anger or emotion, it is refreshing to think that these emotions can provoke and ignite godly passion.
Over the last few weeks, I've gotten to know a woman who has fallen through the cracks in every possible way in society.Few people in the community will give her the time of day, based on her mental illness--and yet when I've weeded through the jumbled speech, I found that her story is haunting, but her joy is infectious. This woman has taught me so much about trust, hope, and grace. And as her story came has been unfolding, advocacy is no longer good enough. Advocacy has to prompt Action. And in my case, it's my extreme anger at the system and apathy of enabling the status quo that bring me broiling to the brim.
I am learning that anger in and of itself is not bad. It's what you do with it that can be productive/harmful. So, as I leave it before the Lord to guide my response to this emotional tug of war---I pray that my anger would initiate action. God's action. You see, Jesus saw our sins. It left him emotionally disheartened and outright angry at human's sinful nature. And yet, he did not let the anger bog him down. He let the anger initiate action. His action---death on the cross.
The prayer written above by Craig Groeschel, is my prayer. I pray that the holy spirit would be at work in my heart to seek action in the face of anger. To pursue the divine moments of the everyday, with the faith that God will meet me there. I pray for the wisdom in how to know when to speak and when to be silent, sometimes a huge struggle for me.
I will forever be a work in progress. But thank the Lord, he loves me too much to let me hide these emotions. He asks me to put them out on display and allow him to make them divinely beautiful, in a way only his touch can do.
Father God,
I want to give it all to you. To lay it down and say I am willing to fully walk away and trust you and your provision. I struggle with the feeling some days that anytime anything good happens, it will just be taken away. Lord, I need your help to trust that your plans for me--your eternal purposes--- are far better than anything here on Earth can offer. I give you the things of my heart I've been clinging to, and hold them with an open hand (yours to give or take away). I pray that these truths would resonate in my heart and shadow my every thought. I pray for a patient heart, Lord. A heart that patiently waits for you and your timing, rather than my own timeline and agenda. Just like Hannah, in 1st Samuel, Lord I pray that I would endure the enticement of coveting what others have and continue to pray for your divine fulfillment and your purposeful design behind all the hills and valleys of life. You have already poured so many blessings into my life. I pray that these blessings would come back to bring you glory.
Amen
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