Vulnerability

vul·ner·a·ble: a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

guard·ed: 3. Cautious; restrained

Emotions we have not poured out in the safe hands of God can turn into feelings of hopelessness and depression. God is safe. ~Beth Moore

Oh vulnerability...who knew you would be such a challenge for me. Over the last several months it has come to my attention how difficulty is for me to let my guard down. It is hard for me to let people in, to let them see my hurt, pain, and struggles. It's as if I have this constant need to hide the person God has made me ...good,bad, and ugly.

Maybe my struggle to be vulnerable with others is related to my inability to do the same with God. Maybe I hold things back from him out of shame. I want transformation.....I want to be made new.....but I have to let God do it from the inside out...and it will take time. Wounds of the heart can open quickly....but they take time to heal. I have to be patient with God and with myself..even though my impatient heart is crying out for it now!

I was watching the Beth Moore Video...the healing heart...and I just felt encouraged to once again lay it all before the Lord. But she states that we cannot just let God heal at the surface level, we have to let him heal to the deepest roots of our pain, shame, guilt, and sin. Otherwise, the hurt will continue to resurface at the utter scratch of the wound in the future. It sounds so good and perfect....but I'll be honest...it's hard for me to imagine what it would look like for these wounds I have been carrying to be fully healed. I feel like the same wounds that I think have been healed...fester and explode.

Lord...Show me how to open up....teach me how to love. I am not sure right now if I truly know what it means to love. And maybe that is because I am not allowing God's love to heal this broken heart. I am trying to "will it". But Lord...I give it up to you AGAIN.....and I pray for the deepest healing and transformation I have yet to see. The next few months hold a lot of unknowns.....but I still trust with a weary heart that you have something bigger in store.