God,
It's been a fruit-tree-shake-down-after-the-storm kind of last few weeks for me. The two weeks prior to this week were the messy ugly storm. I was thrown into the raw place of new leadership opportunities and felt as though I was being eaten alive by my novice, naive mind. In the storm, I wondered, am I really cut out for this? Is this where, I'm supposed to be? But I hunkered down the hatches and kept moving; one painful, vulnerable, fearful step and experience after another. As Glennon Melton says, " I just kept showing up trying to do the next right thing."
And you know what I found? Even sometimes when we feel something is the right thing, it will not always be the right thing for everyone. And that's okay. This week, I learned that sometimes when I try so hard to create a safe environment for everyone by nipping gossip before it gets out of hand, without realizing it I had unintentionally shamed and isolated the person who had started it. So in creating a safe environment for many, I unintentionally made it unsafe for one. Is that good or bad? I don't know there is an answer to that. What I do know is that I am learning. I am soaking in my blunders to learn how to love and lead better.
God, thanks for preparing me over the last years to lean into the hurtful, painful, or vulnerable moments in life and grow from them. Thanks for people I do and don't personally know who have influenced the way I think about the world. While I may never influence millions of people, its my prayer that I would use the small sphere of influence I do have to encourage and promote growth and self-reflection in others.
So this week was the fruit shake down after the storm. Prior to a storm, we hardly notice the fruit and goodness tucked in the branches of a tree. However, after a storm, the fruit comes down and we start to collect it and enjoy it and celebrate it...but most importantly....we share it. So this week, I've been reflecting over the storm. I've been processing the growth and wisdom that I'm gaining as a result of these storms. I feel rejuvenated and hopeful that the next time the storm comes (as it always does), I will have the peace of mind of knowing that fruit is always easier to access once we get through the storm. And I can always anticipate that there is never a storm in which you are not by my side helping to guide me to find the fruit that needs collected and shared.
God, thanks for wise people who have followed you in sharing their fruit with others. The last few weeks the words of Brene Brown, Glennon Melton, and Bob Goff have brought perspective in my life. Thanks for the ways you are using their influence to encourage me and so many others to take steps of faith and to learn more about ourselves in the process.
God, I don't have a huge sphere of influence but I do have a small one. Can you help me be an influencer who inspires others to be the best version of themselves within whatever sphere of influence I am in? My dream is that I always role model what I believe in my deepest core;
- WORDS matter. What a crazy, amazing responsibility we have as humans!!! How we speak about someone, is just as important as what we say to them. When we speak unkindly about someone, we are really just telling the world that we are insecure about our own junk--so we have to escape by highlighting someone elses. But what if we owned our own junk and spoke truthfully and vulnerably about our own stuff. So if someone is bugging us because they aren't changing in the way we would like...what if instead of saying, "He just doesn't care"...I said..." I'm feeling frustrated because I am trying to take responsibility for someone else's life change and it isn't working. Maybe it's never really been my responsibility anyway?
Isn't that the real issue? I feel like before we can begin to throw stones at anyone else, we have to first take an introspective dive into the deep well of our own hearts. The place where our true hurt, pain, anger, and fear live. Let's get real about that.
The way we speak about others has so much power to change and influence the ways others view themselves and others. If we treat people as hopeless and not capable of change--that's how they will view themselves and that's the fruit they will bear. But I've seen time and time again through the work we do at Care Connections, that when we treat people as people who have a story worth telling--they rise to the occasion. If we speak words of self-hatred or self-condemnation through our thoughts, we live out lives that downplay the gifts of how we are uniquely and intricately wired. As a youth leader, one of the girls in my group was pretty quiet the first few weeks. I decided to have a conversation with her. What I said to her was, "I've noticed you've really been listening intently to others in group...which I love about you. But I'm kind of grieving a bit. I think you have a lot to share, and when you don't...we miss out on the gift of knowing you." It was incredible how the next week, she opened up for the first time in group and wow'd us all with amazing, mature, wisdom.
--EVEN more, PEOPLE MATTER.
I love my job because I get to take on the role of a learner everyday. I get to meet amazing people who have lives that are filled with struggle, resilience, and hope. The universal theme that I've seen most transformational, is that people just want to know that their life matters. That their life has purpose and meaning. I am an eager student of the theories of Viktor Frankl. He talks about man's deepest desire is for meaning, and while I'm still relatively young in my career, I have found incredible truth in that truth.
- Generally speaking, ASSUME THE BEST.
I find that I'm at my best when I'm assuming the best about others. Brene Brown talks about assuming that everyone is just doing the best they can. I would hope that's the graceful approach others would have towards me, so I will choose to treat other people that way first.
- "I'd rather choose to practice my values, than simply professing them." I have never met Brene Brown, but when I read her books and her ideas, I imagine her as a kindred spirit. When I hear what she says, it resonates somewhere deep where I internally say, "Yes! Yes! You get it...you get me." I've spent a lot of my life feeling misunderstood because of how I view people and the world. But this woman, she gets it. So I may never meet her, but I have been deeply influenced by her. God---can you make me that type of person? The type of person that lives out what she believes and speaks to be true.
Lord-- I have no idea what the future holds for me. But I do know, 5 years ago I would have never imagined that I was even capable of living the adventure you have me on now. If this is all you have for me, I'm thankful to continue on. If you continue to have other things, lead me. So, as I approach my 28th year in 21 days...I pray that my future adventures would allow me to lead in a way that models the truths above that I so desperately believe with all my heart.
You're the best God. Thanks for choosing a divine nobody like me to shape and mold everyday.
In awe of you,
Audrey
Friday, October 09, 2015
Monday, September 14, 2015
The Next Chapter
God,
Last night, I said a final farewell ton 320 N Lime Street. While there were several confirmations in the last weeks that it is time to move on, I had sentimental moments. The last 4 years, that apartment has harbored my fears, anxieties, joys, and triumphs. It has housed love and friendship and heart breaks and disappointment. But I trust that this new home, will have a host of memories to be remembered as well. God, thank you for the time on Lime Street. In the seasons I've lived there, I've learned so much about the community, the people I serve daily, but most importantly myself. You have taught me that I am braver than I believe. You have taught me that wherever I am, there you too will be. And you've taught me that light beats out darkness every time.
So it is my prayer, that this new home would be a respite for many. Not only for the hearts who reside here, but also for all who enter through the doors. God, I pray that I would not take this gift of a home for granted. Open my eyes to the opportunities to serve through this gift you've given. Push me to take this new chapter and allow you to write something far better than I can know. Lord, with great gifts come great responsibility. Lord, I need you to help me use this gift well.
Lord, yesterday at church the pastor spoke of grace for others but also for our own self condemnation. God, I'm much better at the other grace than I am the self grace. God, I accept your gift that I no longer have to live in regret of my sins, but get up and walk towards your free gift of grace.
Lord, can you help my step forward into the next year with a posture of gratitude? I can let myself drown in anticipation of what could be or I can live in the moment now and just choose to follow for the next minute, day, hour.. etc. And I choose the later.
I will lean on Isaiah 57:10-- You were wearied with the length of your way but you did not say, "It is hopeless": You found new life for your strength and so you were not faint.
"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)
Amen!
Last night, I said a final farewell ton 320 N Lime Street. While there were several confirmations in the last weeks that it is time to move on, I had sentimental moments. The last 4 years, that apartment has harbored my fears, anxieties, joys, and triumphs. It has housed love and friendship and heart breaks and disappointment. But I trust that this new home, will have a host of memories to be remembered as well. God, thank you for the time on Lime Street. In the seasons I've lived there, I've learned so much about the community, the people I serve daily, but most importantly myself. You have taught me that I am braver than I believe. You have taught me that wherever I am, there you too will be. And you've taught me that light beats out darkness every time.
So it is my prayer, that this new home would be a respite for many. Not only for the hearts who reside here, but also for all who enter through the doors. God, I pray that I would not take this gift of a home for granted. Open my eyes to the opportunities to serve through this gift you've given. Push me to take this new chapter and allow you to write something far better than I can know. Lord, with great gifts come great responsibility. Lord, I need you to help me use this gift well.
Lord, yesterday at church the pastor spoke of grace for others but also for our own self condemnation. God, I'm much better at the other grace than I am the self grace. God, I accept your gift that I no longer have to live in regret of my sins, but get up and walk towards your free gift of grace.
Lord, can you help my step forward into the next year with a posture of gratitude? I can let myself drown in anticipation of what could be or I can live in the moment now and just choose to follow for the next minute, day, hour.. etc. And I choose the later.
I will lean on Isaiah 57:10-- You were wearied with the length of your way but you did not say, "It is hopeless": You found new life for your strength and so you were not faint.
"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)
Amen!
Saturday, August 08, 2015
God,
I am blessed. Thanks for using the book of Hosea to speak into my insecurities. God, I want to be different. I want to know you intimately. And I want to love and see people the way that you do. Through Hosea, you are reminding me that I first have to be able to see myself as you see me, as Chosen and Beloved. All too often, I talk to you...but I forget to stop and listen, to allow you the time to respond.
The other day, a friend was talking about taking a personality test. I was reminded of the days as a camp counselor, we were asked to complete one ourselves. ENFJ/INFJ. I am the oddball type. I am exactly on the line of extrovert/introvert so dont clearly fit in either--I'm a bit of both. Since I've been on call this week, I've had loads of extra time just to think and research and dream with my work phone by my side. So I decided to review what these personality characteristics mean. And you know, I am blown away at how accurate they are. God, every personality has strengths and weaknesses for sure and while all ENFJ/INFJ's are not the same-- reviewing the description reminded me that you have purposefully and specifically designed me to be the person I am for a reason. God, thanks for this reminder that who I am is not wrong or right or out in left field....I am perfectly who you want me to be. God, I give you any shame, doubt, insecurity about myself and lay it before you. God, just like the trees don't doubt that you will bring their leaves back again as they are deeply rooted in you---I hold onto that same confidence---that this dessert is not forever. This season can and will be beautiful. It is necessary to appreciate the other seasons just that much more because I have gone through it.
Lord,
In my work, I often have to diagnosis patients with a label. But at the end of the day--it is just a label---but it is not WHO the person is. It cannot fully capture the entirety of the persons strengths and weakness, likes and dislikes. It merely tells the insurance company that there is humanness in this person--there is struggle and there is strife---but it does not define their personhood. God--this week--can you help me to see the person- the God-designed characteristics innate in EVERY person. Give me your eyes to see.
Amen
I am blessed. Thanks for using the book of Hosea to speak into my insecurities. God, I want to be different. I want to know you intimately. And I want to love and see people the way that you do. Through Hosea, you are reminding me that I first have to be able to see myself as you see me, as Chosen and Beloved. All too often, I talk to you...but I forget to stop and listen, to allow you the time to respond.
The other day, a friend was talking about taking a personality test. I was reminded of the days as a camp counselor, we were asked to complete one ourselves. ENFJ/INFJ. I am the oddball type. I am exactly on the line of extrovert/introvert so dont clearly fit in either--I'm a bit of both. Since I've been on call this week, I've had loads of extra time just to think and research and dream with my work phone by my side. So I decided to review what these personality characteristics mean. And you know, I am blown away at how accurate they are. God, every personality has strengths and weaknesses for sure and while all ENFJ/INFJ's are not the same-- reviewing the description reminded me that you have purposefully and specifically designed me to be the person I am for a reason. God, thanks for this reminder that who I am is not wrong or right or out in left field....I am perfectly who you want me to be. God, I give you any shame, doubt, insecurity about myself and lay it before you. God, just like the trees don't doubt that you will bring their leaves back again as they are deeply rooted in you---I hold onto that same confidence---that this dessert is not forever. This season can and will be beautiful. It is necessary to appreciate the other seasons just that much more because I have gone through it.
Lord,
In my work, I often have to diagnosis patients with a label. But at the end of the day--it is just a label---but it is not WHO the person is. It cannot fully capture the entirety of the persons strengths and weakness, likes and dislikes. It merely tells the insurance company that there is humanness in this person--there is struggle and there is strife---but it does not define their personhood. God--this week--can you help me to see the person- the God-designed characteristics innate in EVERY person. Give me your eyes to see.
Amen
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Genuine/Authentic Faith
I think I've written this before, but it's a theme that keeps looping and making its way back in my mind. What does authentic faith look like? When I say authentic, I mean totally genuine and pure-of-heart love for God and others. A faith that isn't just Christian-ease or prideful. A faith that doesn't view others as projects, but as fellow sinners that we NEED in our life just as much as they need us. I desire that kind of faith. I want to have that totally pure and genuine heart for others like Christ, but I feel like I really fall short a lot--hazed by selfish ambition and insecurity.
God, some times I try to strive for authentic and genuine faith. But I feel like the very act of striving takes away the natural and genuineness of it all. So I know I can't make it happen on my own. But God, I pray that this week your genuine, pure, selfless spirit would reign in me naturally. I pray that when I interact with people they would feel an unquestionable warmth and love that can only come from you. I pray that I would be quick to listen and slow to speak. I pray I would not be led to act out of selfish motives, but out of a heart that wants to empowers others and wants the best for them, like you do for me. Give me your eyes for other people, so I can see them as you do.
God, forgive me for many moments I have slipped up. I have torn others down with my speech, gossiped, sought human affirmation-rather than your affirmation. This is not who you've made me to be. I feel icky inside just thinking about the ways these things have leaked into my heart and mind. I lay these things before you and ask for your help to change. I truly and genuinely want to change, but again--it can't happen on it's own aside from you.
Take this life and let it be, more about you and less about me!
AMEN
God, some times I try to strive for authentic and genuine faith. But I feel like the very act of striving takes away the natural and genuineness of it all. So I know I can't make it happen on my own. But God, I pray that this week your genuine, pure, selfless spirit would reign in me naturally. I pray that when I interact with people they would feel an unquestionable warmth and love that can only come from you. I pray that I would be quick to listen and slow to speak. I pray I would not be led to act out of selfish motives, but out of a heart that wants to empowers others and wants the best for them, like you do for me. Give me your eyes for other people, so I can see them as you do.
God, forgive me for many moments I have slipped up. I have torn others down with my speech, gossiped, sought human affirmation-rather than your affirmation. This is not who you've made me to be. I feel icky inside just thinking about the ways these things have leaked into my heart and mind. I lay these things before you and ask for your help to change. I truly and genuinely want to change, but again--it can't happen on it's own aside from you.
Take this life and let it be, more about you and less about me!
AMEN
Saturday, June 27, 2015
God,
You are my joy. You are the re-framer of my thoughts. Tonight, I was tempted to replay critical self-talk in my mind, but all of a sudden I thought..." How does God see me?" I was thinking so hard about how others see or think of me, that I lost sight of the most important view.
And I know Lord, that you would say... "She's been holding fast more than you know. She's been trying so hard. This girl, my child, is beautifully broken but incredibly loved. Although she wonders from time to time, she earnestly wants to do the right thing. Sometimes she just has some trouble trusting me that I know what I'm doing. But this child, my child, she is just who I want her to be. She may not understand the intricate web of personality traits that I've given her, but I have designed her in a way that no other person could replicate her. I want her heart. I want to grow her. And I will bring her through. I can't wait to show her what is in store...
God. You search me and know me. I pray that I can trust who you tell me I am through your word, rather than the moments of self-bashing that don't help me grow.
Monday, May 11, 2015
When things just don't fit
Father God,
This evening it's just you and me, and this little hotel room in LaCrosse Wisconsin. It always amazes me at the most interesting places we go together. I could think of no better way to spend my downtime, than connecting with you and your word. Thanks for the reminder from Psalm 126, that you are a God of past faithfulness and a God of future faithfulness. You know my heart, so this will come as no surprise--but emotionally I just feel stuck in this waiting room, but I don't know what I am waiting on.
All to often I feel like the Isrealites who saw you perform miracles in their lives, but then quickly forgot how you have provided. They get so stuck on the things yet to come, that they forget where they've come from and the GREATNESS of who you are. I can list the countless ways you have met me at my worst and came through in ways that I didn't even know I needed you to come through. I don't want to forget and I don't want to doubt that you ARE for me. You have my best in mind, and as much as sometimes I want to question why you have made things the way they are--you have always made your goodness known.
Lord, I name my deepest fear of lifelong singleness to you and again surrender it to your care. It's hard to type those words. I'd like to pretend that I am completely confident in you and who you made me. But, I have a daily battle to fight, and I can't do it without you. I have a battle to reframe my thoughts everyday; to choose to see the opportunities in the challenges, to choose to push myself out of my comfort zone, to accept the many emotions I experience in the midst of it all, to choose to see life as a process and not a series of events and milestones that need achieved today, to see myself as you see me and accept that I am deeply flawed but intensely loved beyond my wildest imagination.
Lord, I pray that I would experience you in a clear and distinct way the next 4 days I spend in Wisconsin. I don't want to continue to be the same person I am now. I pray for growth and openness to the prompting of your holy spirit that draws me closer to you. Father, help me be present now and not living in the future and the yet to comes. I want my life to glorify you daily, not just when things are easy or going well.
Can you help me?
You have plans to prosper me and not destroy me
You are NOT witholding good from me
You have a plan for my life and I have purpose
On my flight to Chicago yesterday, I was moved to tears as we waited for take off. Sitting there, I saw a man who was obese, across the aisle lean over to the stranger seated next to him; whispering, "this is embarrassing, I don't fit." His face was wrinkled with shame and self-hatred. I quickly turned my face to the window, so my chatty-kathy seat buddy would not see my tears. As the stewardess approached, she offered the stranger sitting next to the man with weight issues an alternate seat. And while I could no longer see the face of the man who struggled with weight issues, I could imagine the internal dialogue of self-slander going on his mind. And all I could do was pray. I prayed (and cried) for that man in the moment-- for a holy interception of those thoughts. That instead grace, mercy, and a confidence that he is loved would radiate to the deepest corners of his heart. But even deeper, I think this man's moment resonated with my heart because we all have these moments.
I identify with him--not in the obesity, but in the daily struggle to allow shame and self-doubt to be wiped clean. To see myself as You see me. Lord, in those moments in this season of life where I too have a "this is embarrassing, I don't fit" kind of moment-- will you meet me there? I get teary as I write this because, I need to get this just as much as that guy. I can't offer others grace and confidence in Christ, if I can't identify those cracks in my own heart. I know we are supposed to be outward, as Christians, but I think just as much you ask us to step to the plate and do the tough work of looking inward. We have so many "things" to distract us from the real heart issues, because to truly look inward hurts before it gets better somedays. But out of that heart work; flows authentic, genuine grace that can't be self-manufactured by behavior modification.
So if nothing else comes from this trip, I will hold on to that moment with a divine nobody on the airplane. He has no idea the impact that moment brought to my heart, but I pray God, that you show him he HAS purpose. He is not alone in the fight, and I pray you would bring people in his midst who help him unpack the inner gunk keeping him bound to shame.
You are Good God. Always good.
A
This evening it's just you and me, and this little hotel room in LaCrosse Wisconsin. It always amazes me at the most interesting places we go together. I could think of no better way to spend my downtime, than connecting with you and your word. Thanks for the reminder from Psalm 126, that you are a God of past faithfulness and a God of future faithfulness. You know my heart, so this will come as no surprise--but emotionally I just feel stuck in this waiting room, but I don't know what I am waiting on.
All to often I feel like the Isrealites who saw you perform miracles in their lives, but then quickly forgot how you have provided. They get so stuck on the things yet to come, that they forget where they've come from and the GREATNESS of who you are. I can list the countless ways you have met me at my worst and came through in ways that I didn't even know I needed you to come through. I don't want to forget and I don't want to doubt that you ARE for me. You have my best in mind, and as much as sometimes I want to question why you have made things the way they are--you have always made your goodness known.
Lord, I name my deepest fear of lifelong singleness to you and again surrender it to your care. It's hard to type those words. I'd like to pretend that I am completely confident in you and who you made me. But, I have a daily battle to fight, and I can't do it without you. I have a battle to reframe my thoughts everyday; to choose to see the opportunities in the challenges, to choose to push myself out of my comfort zone, to accept the many emotions I experience in the midst of it all, to choose to see life as a process and not a series of events and milestones that need achieved today, to see myself as you see me and accept that I am deeply flawed but intensely loved beyond my wildest imagination.
Lord, I pray that I would experience you in a clear and distinct way the next 4 days I spend in Wisconsin. I don't want to continue to be the same person I am now. I pray for growth and openness to the prompting of your holy spirit that draws me closer to you. Father, help me be present now and not living in the future and the yet to comes. I want my life to glorify you daily, not just when things are easy or going well.
Can you help me?
You have plans to prosper me and not destroy me
You are NOT witholding good from me
You have a plan for my life and I have purpose
On my flight to Chicago yesterday, I was moved to tears as we waited for take off. Sitting there, I saw a man who was obese, across the aisle lean over to the stranger seated next to him; whispering, "this is embarrassing, I don't fit." His face was wrinkled with shame and self-hatred. I quickly turned my face to the window, so my chatty-kathy seat buddy would not see my tears. As the stewardess approached, she offered the stranger sitting next to the man with weight issues an alternate seat. And while I could no longer see the face of the man who struggled with weight issues, I could imagine the internal dialogue of self-slander going on his mind. And all I could do was pray. I prayed (and cried) for that man in the moment-- for a holy interception of those thoughts. That instead grace, mercy, and a confidence that he is loved would radiate to the deepest corners of his heart. But even deeper, I think this man's moment resonated with my heart because we all have these moments.
I identify with him--not in the obesity, but in the daily struggle to allow shame and self-doubt to be wiped clean. To see myself as You see me. Lord, in those moments in this season of life where I too have a "this is embarrassing, I don't fit" kind of moment-- will you meet me there? I get teary as I write this because, I need to get this just as much as that guy. I can't offer others grace and confidence in Christ, if I can't identify those cracks in my own heart. I know we are supposed to be outward, as Christians, but I think just as much you ask us to step to the plate and do the tough work of looking inward. We have so many "things" to distract us from the real heart issues, because to truly look inward hurts before it gets better somedays. But out of that heart work; flows authentic, genuine grace that can't be self-manufactured by behavior modification.
So if nothing else comes from this trip, I will hold on to that moment with a divine nobody on the airplane. He has no idea the impact that moment brought to my heart, but I pray God, that you show him he HAS purpose. He is not alone in the fight, and I pray you would bring people in his midst who help him unpack the inner gunk keeping him bound to shame.
You are Good God. Always good.
A
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)