Father God,
This evening it's just you and me, and this little hotel room in LaCrosse Wisconsin. It always amazes me at the most interesting places we go together. I could think of no better way to spend my downtime, than connecting with you and your word. Thanks for the reminder from Psalm 126, that you are a God of past faithfulness and a God of future faithfulness. You know my heart, so this will come as no surprise--but emotionally I just feel stuck in this waiting room, but I don't know what I am waiting on.
All to often I feel like the Isrealites who saw you perform miracles in their lives, but then quickly forgot how you have provided. They get so stuck on the things yet to come, that they forget where they've come from and the GREATNESS of who you are. I can list the countless ways you have met me at my worst and came through in ways that I didn't even know I needed you to come through. I don't want to forget and I don't want to doubt that you ARE for me. You have my best in mind, and as much as sometimes I want to question why you have made things the way they are--you have always made your goodness known.
Lord, I name my deepest fear of lifelong singleness to you and again surrender it to your care. It's hard to type those words. I'd like to pretend that I am completely confident in you and who you made me. But, I have a daily battle to fight, and I can't do it without you. I have a battle to reframe my thoughts everyday; to choose to see the opportunities in the challenges, to choose to push myself out of my comfort zone, to accept the many emotions I experience in the midst of it all, to choose to see life as a process and not a series of events and milestones that need achieved today, to see myself as you see me and accept that I am deeply flawed but intensely loved beyond my wildest imagination.
Lord, I pray that I would experience you in a clear and distinct way the next 4 days I spend in Wisconsin. I don't want to continue to be the same person I am now. I pray for growth and openness to the prompting of your holy spirit that draws me closer to you. Father, help me be present now and not living in the future and the yet to comes. I want my life to glorify you daily, not just when things are easy or going well.
Can you help me?
You have plans to prosper me and not destroy me
You are NOT witholding good from me
You have a plan for my life and I have purpose
On my flight to Chicago yesterday, I was moved to tears as we waited for take off. Sitting there, I saw a man who was obese, across the aisle lean over to the stranger seated next to him; whispering, "this is embarrassing, I don't fit." His face was wrinkled with shame and self-hatred. I quickly turned my face to the window, so my chatty-kathy seat buddy would not see my tears. As the stewardess approached, she offered the stranger sitting next to the man with weight issues an alternate seat. And while I could no longer see the face of the man who struggled with weight issues, I could imagine the internal dialogue of self-slander going on his mind. And all I could do was pray. I prayed (and cried) for that man in the moment-- for a holy interception of those thoughts. That instead grace, mercy, and a confidence that he is loved would radiate to the deepest corners of his heart. But even deeper, I think this man's moment resonated with my heart because we all have these moments.
I identify with him--not in the obesity, but in the daily struggle to allow shame and self-doubt to be wiped clean. To see myself as You see me. Lord, in those moments in this season of life where I too have a "this is embarrassing, I don't fit" kind of moment-- will you meet me there? I get teary as I write this because, I need to get this just as much as that guy. I can't offer others grace and confidence in Christ, if I can't identify those cracks in my own heart. I know we are supposed to be outward, as Christians, but I think just as much you ask us to step to the plate and do the tough work of looking inward. We have so many "things" to distract us from the real heart issues, because to truly look inward hurts before it gets better somedays. But out of that heart work; flows authentic, genuine grace that can't be self-manufactured by behavior modification.
So if nothing else comes from this trip, I will hold on to that moment with a divine nobody on the airplane. He has no idea the impact that moment brought to my heart, but I pray God, that you show him he HAS purpose. He is not alone in the fight, and I pray you would bring people in his midst who help him unpack the inner gunk keeping him bound to shame.
You are Good God. Always good.
A
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