This is Healing

God,

My veil showed up in the mail today. It felt like a cruel joke, as it punched my gut opening the package from my mailbox.  And yet, I choose this. I choose doing the hard things today, rather than a lifetime you've warned me would be unnecessarily unbearable and unglorifying to you. You have truly saved me and I'm speechless thinking of your love for me and the ways you have spoken over me TRUTH in the midst of the heartbreakingly awful. It's difficult to know what you are up to in all of this, but I'm reminded of a CS Lewis quote that has always stuck with me.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself." 
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

 So I celebrate. I celebrate never worn veils and a wedding dress hanging in the closet untouched.  I celebrate that growth and stretching that comes out of the difficult.

God, I pray over these items. If it be your will, I hope to sell these items as a symbol between you and myself of letting go of the old and embracing the new chapter you are writing in my life. God, I pray for the bride who will wear them. I pray that wearing this dress would restore it from a symbol of hurt and pain to one of joy and laughter. Bless that woman, her marriage, her spouse. Be present with her and guide her to a marriage based on the truth of who you are and not an false image of it.

God, I wanted my marriage to be one that exemplified restoration because I believe that is who you are and I know that's what you have done for me.  And my prayer, is that my life would continue to shine the truth of your restoration--marriage or no marriage.  I believe that you have a plan and a purpose for my life. I believe that even if I can't see it and feel lifeless at times right now-- you will continue to come through for me like you did the other day. You will continue to fight for me. Joy will return and life will continue.

Perhaps sometimes the devastating hurt, is a gift in disguise. I choose to believe that--even when I don't feel that.  

Lord, this life is not my own. I don't want this to be a chapter in my story-- but it is. Please don't let it be in vain. 

You have truly blessed me with dear friends, family, and encouragers. Thank you for people who remind me who I am when I have trouble remembering it.  Please never let me forget what it is like to receive such intentional support and love. Make me that type of friend and neighbor.

So Lord,

I will walk in this next chapter I'll call-- This is Healing.  I love you so much. I'm so sorry that I wanted what I wanted so badly, that I didn't heed your inner nudges along the way.  Lord, sometimes I wonder if I could ever trust again. But I leave that in your hands. For today, grow me and stretch me to become more like you.

Amen.