Daily Divine Assignments

Oh Lord,

You truly know the depths of my heart.  Tonight, we were asked to attend C4 with our graduating seniors from student ministries. Now, I haven't been to C4 in years. There have been a lot of leadership changes, etc. but I stopped going because I felt like I had "aged out."  So tonight, if I'm totally honest, I was dragging my feet and going begrudgingly.

But what you said to me in the times of worship and delving into you word was, "I hear you, I see you, and I care."  God, today and this week really, I have just come face to face with my areas of weakness. Pride, jealousy, entitlement, insecurity, comparison....just a few of the things in my self-awareness.  No one ever really wants to be aware of their downfalls, let alone recognize that other people are probably keenly aware of them as they interact.  So sometimes, I feel like a failure or lose hope that these things in me will ever change. I worry that even if they were to change, would it be enough to change the perceptions others already have of me?  And this is when I fall to me knees.

Lord, I can't change these things about myself on my own. You and I both know that I have tried and tried in my own strength, and just become jaded to the realities of these things.  But God, tonight as Mark spoke, I was reminded of the Glory of you are. You ARE the good Sheperd. You come searching for me, because I am one of your sheep. You know these things about me and you still love me.

Lord, I need your help to have a vertical focus on you and life in light of eternity.  My vulnerability is took look around me and compare, and desire affirmation from others--rather than seeking your affirmation first and foremost.

God, you know there is one person at work right now who I have written a narrative in my head that, "she doesn't like me"..which has caused me to be standoffish and probably put off a vibe that I am not open or welcoming.  I wrestle with this narrative, because I don't know that she feels this way, but from our interactions--it's how I feel. I think about having dialogue, but I also know she has anxieties of her own and I don't want her to feel more uncomfortable by my direct conversation. I want to be humbled, Lord. I don't always celebrate others the way they deserve. I am quick to want credit for what I've done. I want to be "special" and "an expert', when I truly am a novice just doing the best I can.  Lord, this wrestle with pride and insecurity is without a doubt the thorn in my side. It causes me to doubt and lack self-confidence to engage the world in the way my heart wants to be able to engage. It does not allow me to empower those I work with and celebrate the strengths that they possess as well. I run my life from a framework of scarcity-- where there is not enough power, glory, recognition--and I must vie for my piece of things. But not only is it wrong--it's exhausting.

But I know that you are the God I serve. And my God is capable of transformation. I believe that you can still use someone as deeply flawed as me, because it's in my weakness that you are strong.  Lord, I pray that you would soften my heart to not only understand intellectually, but deeply that others can be great--and that doesn't take away from the my gifts. Lord, help me not to find my worth in what I do or what others say of me---but in what you say of me.  Help me to remember whose I am.

Tonight, I heard you challenge me with the question, "What is my divine assignment today?" Lord, I pray that you would give me your eyes to see that just because I think it, doesn't mean it's true. Lord give me discernment to know when it's time to have important conversations and when I need to initiate these conversations.  But Lord, I pray for the opportunity to intentionally respond in ways that reflect you and your glory.

Father God, I pray for a quiet confidence that doesn't need accolades, but rests in the understanding of who I am in Christ. Help me to be quick to acknowledge my mistakes and take responsibility. Allow me to not take offense when someone else takes the glory, and rest in knowing that I did my part. Help me to stay behind the scenes and to take risks to achieve the things you put in my heart. I pray in turn, others would be encouraged to have a quiet confidence of their own.

Love always,
Audrey