Bushwacking Bitterness

Jesus,

What a week! This week, I've been plunged into the depths of self-awareness about the condition of my heart.  You see, there has been a bit of a stirring in my heart, causing a rumble of discontent that hovers deep in my belly.

I've discovered some underlying thoughts that have unknowingly taken root in my heart.

A Spirit of scarcity-  I've noticed that as co-workers grow and break out establishing new aspects to our program, I've experienced a deep tinge of bitterness when their parts flourish and mine seems to be struggling. It's as if I believe that there is not enough success to go around, as if their success will overshadow any of my future successes. What a lie, satan.  Lord, I long for a heart of abundance that genuinely and authentically celebrates the success and growth of others.  Lord, I need your help with this. This week, I'm going to work heart to intentionally overcoming my pity parties with genuine verbal encouragement of those moving our patients to greater wellness. God, I pray for a humble spirit that cheers on the success of others. At the same time, don't let me believe the lie that any of my successes are less valuable than others.  Lord, squelch my desire to be valuable and noticed by man and replace it with a deep awareness of my value in your sight regardless of my performance. God, I pray that you would use this challenging season---give it purpose and value in a way that will honor you. I trust that your ways are higher and you understand.

Lord,
This has been a really lonely week.  I'm probably not helping this much by staying in the house, online shopping and waiting for the day to be over so a new days can come tomorrow.

Father, in this season of loneliness, I pray that you would make my heart sensitive to others who may be feeling lonely.  Lord, I don't know what this looks like, but I ask that you would infuse and guide me with a spirit leading to seek those people out.  Lord, I still have no idea how to make this if table work without the table. I pray that if this is something you want me to pursue, you would make just the right table available.

Lord,
I dream of an if:table made of the most tarnished of barnwoods. I dream of a table that's been through the rough and tumble of life but is allowing itself to be made beautiful by it's purpose to serve.

God,
I celebrate the ability this week to pursue some joys of my heart.  Cooking new recipes, getting into an agenda of wellness with training for the half-marathon, laying awake at night with the lullaby of worship music singing me into my dreams, the morning commute with morning meditations starting my day with a posture of looking upward,  cutting fresh flowers from the garden, time to read books off my to read pile, time to write and dream with you.

All of these things---thank you! These all speak to you and who you are, the blessings you've given in the midst of the difficult.  Lord, I trust your plan. You are not witholding good from me. You are preserving me for your best for me.  Lord, I long to live a life of purpose.  When I die, my prayer is that when my life is talked about-- people would say, "Her life spoke of Jesus."  I'm far from that now, Lord, but I pray that I would continue to trust you.  These dreams I have, that I can hardly write on paper because they seem so silly and impossible--I give those to you today.  Lord--I'm willing to dream with you, if you can open up the doors.


With all my heart,

Audrey