Daily Divine Assignments

Oh Lord,

You truly know the depths of my heart.  Tonight, we were asked to attend C4 with our graduating seniors from student ministries. Now, I haven't been to C4 in years. There have been a lot of leadership changes, etc. but I stopped going because I felt like I had "aged out."  So tonight, if I'm totally honest, I was dragging my feet and going begrudgingly.

But what you said to me in the times of worship and delving into you word was, "I hear you, I see you, and I care."  God, today and this week really, I have just come face to face with my areas of weakness. Pride, jealousy, entitlement, insecurity, comparison....just a few of the things in my self-awareness.  No one ever really wants to be aware of their downfalls, let alone recognize that other people are probably keenly aware of them as they interact.  So sometimes, I feel like a failure or lose hope that these things in me will ever change. I worry that even if they were to change, would it be enough to change the perceptions others already have of me?  And this is when I fall to me knees.

Lord, I can't change these things about myself on my own. You and I both know that I have tried and tried in my own strength, and just become jaded to the realities of these things.  But God, tonight as Mark spoke, I was reminded of the Glory of you are. You ARE the good Sheperd. You come searching for me, because I am one of your sheep. You know these things about me and you still love me.

Lord, I need your help to have a vertical focus on you and life in light of eternity.  My vulnerability is took look around me and compare, and desire affirmation from others--rather than seeking your affirmation first and foremost.

God, you know there is one person at work right now who I have written a narrative in my head that, "she doesn't like me"..which has caused me to be standoffish and probably put off a vibe that I am not open or welcoming.  I wrestle with this narrative, because I don't know that she feels this way, but from our interactions--it's how I feel. I think about having dialogue, but I also know she has anxieties of her own and I don't want her to feel more uncomfortable by my direct conversation. I want to be humbled, Lord. I don't always celebrate others the way they deserve. I am quick to want credit for what I've done. I want to be "special" and "an expert', when I truly am a novice just doing the best I can.  Lord, this wrestle with pride and insecurity is without a doubt the thorn in my side. It causes me to doubt and lack self-confidence to engage the world in the way my heart wants to be able to engage. It does not allow me to empower those I work with and celebrate the strengths that they possess as well. I run my life from a framework of scarcity-- where there is not enough power, glory, recognition--and I must vie for my piece of things. But not only is it wrong--it's exhausting.

But I know that you are the God I serve. And my God is capable of transformation. I believe that you can still use someone as deeply flawed as me, because it's in my weakness that you are strong.  Lord, I pray that you would soften my heart to not only understand intellectually, but deeply that others can be great--and that doesn't take away from the my gifts. Lord, help me not to find my worth in what I do or what others say of me---but in what you say of me.  Help me to remember whose I am.

Tonight, I heard you challenge me with the question, "What is my divine assignment today?" Lord, I pray that you would give me your eyes to see that just because I think it, doesn't mean it's true. Lord give me discernment to know when it's time to have important conversations and when I need to initiate these conversations.  But Lord, I pray for the opportunity to intentionally respond in ways that reflect you and your glory.

Father God, I pray for a quiet confidence that doesn't need accolades, but rests in the understanding of who I am in Christ. Help me to be quick to acknowledge my mistakes and take responsibility. Allow me to not take offense when someone else takes the glory, and rest in knowing that I did my part. Help me to stay behind the scenes and to take risks to achieve the things you put in my heart. I pray in turn, others would be encouraged to have a quiet confidence of their own.

Love always,
Audrey

Father God,

It's been a long time since I've had the deep soul need to splatter my heart out in writing to try to make sense of things.
You are so good and you have allowed this winter season to be filled with so many new and exciting experiences, people, and opportunities.  As exciting as it all is, life just feels a little full right now. You know the kind of full where if you eat anymore, your button might pop off your shirt.

And here's the thing, it's all good stuff Lord.  But I know me and I know how you've wired me and sometimes if I'm not careful-- all the really good stuff becomes sludge bursting at the seams because there is just too much of it.

Thanks for tonight,for reminding me that you've got "this". You are in the nitty gritty details and you've given me tools to wade through the mess. My mess and the mess that I step into walking alongside others.

Thanks for the gift of exercise and the tool of putting my sneakers to the pavement (or treadmill) and working out the hard stuff that way.  Lord, thanks for giving me a bit of self-control today. Sometimes when I experience something that is uncomfortable or I'm not sure what to do with, my first inclination is to run to someone I trust and process it with them. That's not bad in and of itself, but when it involves others--I'm continuing to learn that taking it to you first is always best.

Lord--one of my clients "dumped" some stuff today in the session. Over the years, I've been pretty good about not picking up their garbage bags, but rather giving them the lift to put them on the landfill pile for good.  But for some reason today, the garbage just sat with me and it just sat rotting in the depths of my heart without escaping.

I know that there is probably some "counter transference" as we call it in counseling.  It's a good reminder for me, that just like my clients, I have my own stuff. Stuff that I've felt that I've dealt with and grieved and forgiven. But sometimes that stuff still pops back up.  I'm really grateful though that you brought it to my awareness in the session, and I became intentional about not responding out of my own experience or values-- but holding to the unconditional positive regard.

Lord, I want to believe that I love the sinner and don't judge others out of my own insecurities. But I still do sometimes. I just pray that my heart would continue to be scrubbed and refined to reflect you more.

Lord, there are also so many unexpected new relationship kinds of things popping up in life. And I am totally not always graceful in knowing how to handle things. Lord, give me your eyes to address others that ultimately reflects you.

This is my ultimate prayer--God, I pray that in my days and my life, when people look at me--all they can see is the goodness and glory of who you are. Lord, life looks really different than I have planned, but I celebrate the expectancy that this timeline will ultimately make your name great beyond what I could imagine. Lord, I want people to look at my life and say, "only by the grace of God" and "He truly is a faithful God."  The details of all that, I leave to you.

I feel lighter already, releasing it all to you. Thanks for being my one and only God.

You are good---always good.

Audrey

Contentment

Father God,

Twenty-nine has hit me hard. With 30 peaking around the corner next year, I have somehow inadvertantly allowed my unmet life timeline dictate my joy.  Lord, I pray for my future husband. I know he's out there and I refuse to give up hope. I know you are a faithful God. But protect me, Lord. Somehow I feel more vulnerable than ever before. Vulnerable to giving up hope that there is a perfectly imperfect man out there that I can serve with deep love.
Lord, I feel vulnerable to the temptation to just settle for something counterfit and less than your best. Protect me, Lord. Give me a strength I didn't know was within me to resist the counterfit.  Satan wants nothing more than for my hope to be dashed and my certainty in you to be jaded. But Lord, I just pray that you would surround me today and in the coming weeks.
Lord, give me your wisdom when something is worth continuing to pursue and wisdom when its perfectly okay to allow the door to close.

When the dreams or thoughts of past relationships slip into my mind; allow me to acknowledge them but let them keep on moving. Don't allow me to dwell on the things I cannot change, and help me to stay focused in the present.

Lord, you know I've been praying alongside friends who are also in a season of waiting with infertility.  Father, I beg you to burst forth in this situation and bring them the joy of a child. Father, I just pray that as you make the next steps of the journey so clear, that you would just let your glory shine all over their situation.  I don't understand it, Lord...but I cling to the facts I know to be true.

You are a loving God, and you have a higher view point than our finite view.
You are ferocious pursuer and you will not let any time be wasted on an opportunity to draw your children closer to you.

Lord, I have no idea what I'm doing with my future. But I know it's in your hands.  I just want to know your heart for my future, Lord.  I will take it one day at a time, but I just pray that you will continue to purify and chip away the chipped pieces of my heart.

Lord,
Thanks for listening to my heart when it feels just so many things.  Make yourself present to me Lord. Guide me and direct me, in the ways that only you can.  You are the greatest romantic out there...thanks for pursuing me always in just the ways I need pursued.

You are the best, God.

Audrey

Bushwacking Bitterness

Jesus,

What a week! This week, I've been plunged into the depths of self-awareness about the condition of my heart.  You see, there has been a bit of a stirring in my heart, causing a rumble of discontent that hovers deep in my belly.

I've discovered some underlying thoughts that have unknowingly taken root in my heart.

A Spirit of scarcity-  I've noticed that as co-workers grow and break out establishing new aspects to our program, I've experienced a deep tinge of bitterness when their parts flourish and mine seems to be struggling. It's as if I believe that there is not enough success to go around, as if their success will overshadow any of my future successes. What a lie, satan.  Lord, I long for a heart of abundance that genuinely and authentically celebrates the success and growth of others.  Lord, I need your help with this. This week, I'm going to work heart to intentionally overcoming my pity parties with genuine verbal encouragement of those moving our patients to greater wellness. God, I pray for a humble spirit that cheers on the success of others. At the same time, don't let me believe the lie that any of my successes are less valuable than others.  Lord, squelch my desire to be valuable and noticed by man and replace it with a deep awareness of my value in your sight regardless of my performance. God, I pray that you would use this challenging season---give it purpose and value in a way that will honor you. I trust that your ways are higher and you understand.

Lord,
This has been a really lonely week.  I'm probably not helping this much by staying in the house, online shopping and waiting for the day to be over so a new days can come tomorrow.

Father, in this season of loneliness, I pray that you would make my heart sensitive to others who may be feeling lonely.  Lord, I don't know what this looks like, but I ask that you would infuse and guide me with a spirit leading to seek those people out.  Lord, I still have no idea how to make this if table work without the table. I pray that if this is something you want me to pursue, you would make just the right table available.

Lord,
I dream of an if:table made of the most tarnished of barnwoods. I dream of a table that's been through the rough and tumble of life but is allowing itself to be made beautiful by it's purpose to serve.

God,
I celebrate the ability this week to pursue some joys of my heart.  Cooking new recipes, getting into an agenda of wellness with training for the half-marathon, laying awake at night with the lullaby of worship music singing me into my dreams, the morning commute with morning meditations starting my day with a posture of looking upward,  cutting fresh flowers from the garden, time to read books off my to read pile, time to write and dream with you.

All of these things---thank you! These all speak to you and who you are, the blessings you've given in the midst of the difficult.  Lord, I trust your plan. You are not witholding good from me. You are preserving me for your best for me.  Lord, I long to live a life of purpose.  When I die, my prayer is that when my life is talked about-- people would say, "Her life spoke of Jesus."  I'm far from that now, Lord, but I pray that I would continue to trust you.  These dreams I have, that I can hardly write on paper because they seem so silly and impossible--I give those to you today.  Lord--I'm willing to dream with you, if you can open up the doors.


With all my heart,

Audrey

Are you hurting and broken within
Overwhelmed by the weight of your sin
Jesus is calling
Have you come to the end of yourself
Do you thirst for a drink from the well
Jesus is calling

[Chorus:]
O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

[Verse 2:]
Leave behind your regrets and mistakes
Come today there's no reason to wait
Jesus is calling
Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy
From the ashes a new life is born
Jesus is calling

[Chorus x2:]
O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

[Bridge x2:]
Oh what a Savior
Isn't he wonderful
Sing alleluia, Christ is risen
Bow down before him
For he is Lord of all
Sing alleluia, Christ is risen

[Chorus x2:]
O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

[Verse 3:]
Bear your cross as you wait for the crown
Tell the world of the treasure you've found

God, these lyrics are on replay today. I'm entering this season of just longing for heart change.  Lord, I become so overwhelmed by my sin-- my selfishness, my pride, my jealousy, my bitterness.  This is not all of me, but I've been seeing these things popping up in my heart.

Lord, I want nothing less than for my character to mirror who you are.  God, I rejoice in the fact that these inner beasts have already been conquered by you on the cross. But I refuse to become complacent and let them lead me where I'd rather not go. God, in the year ahead, please strengthen me with renewed perspective and refine me to have a heart more like yours. You and I both know that I can't do that on my own. It's just not possible.

The last few weeks have just been so all over the place.  Lord, so many people around me are just struggling with so many aspects of life.  Lord, I don't know what to say all the time. I don't always know the best time to be silent and the best time to speak. Give me wisdom this week God.

I got an e-mail about possible career opportunities in Houston, Texas.  God, when I think about leaving my friends and family again for a place far away, my inner core is petrified.  But when I think about how much faith it would take and how much I would need you every second, I get a bit of excitement at the idea.  It's probably a long shot. But God, before I went to Rochester, you made it very clear that is where I am supposed to be.  Lord, I will only go if you make it very clear that I am supposed to be there.  Lord, I don't want to run somewhere new just for the thrill of something different and to get away from the mundane. But I also don't want to let the comfort of the mundane keep me from your best.

Anywho...I'm just going to rest in you this week, Jesus. Thanks for carrying all the tough stuff and future uncertainties for me.

You da' bomb!

Audrey

God,

I feel so much right now. I am a person who struggles with anxiety and depression.  I think that is the first time that I have allowed those words to be so starkly permanent on a page.  Throughout my life I've had these episodes every few years. They seem to strike most distinctly in the winter months after the whirlwind of Christmas subsides and can last for months.

The anxiety feels suffocating. My laid back and care free nature is replaced with a torment and daily assault of my peace of heart and contentment.  I can't ever truly place my finger on the origin.  It can be brought on by increased stress or seem out of the blue.  And often in these moments, my self-confidence shakes me to my very core. The tasks that once were effortless now seem overwhelming and insurmountable.  I celebrate the little things in these times. The fact that I completed the laundry, went to the grocery store, made a meal, got through my day.  It feels almost ridiculous to write, but when anxiety and depression loom, this is a reality.  And I know that I am not alone in this. I know many experience these episodes from time to time as well.  But there is something that makes me hide in these moments. When I feel on edge, when it feels as if some undefined catastrophic event looms in my future-- I don't want people to see me like this.  In my mind, I know that isolation does not help my situation, but the chance that people will replace their view of me based on this person I've become scares the living daylights out of me. I don't want this to be my character and how I am remembered.

But perhaps in this period, you are reminding me God that you know me. That you designed me for "such a time as this" and you love me deeply even in my weakness.  God, in the midst of this, I choose to believe that you are still Good. I choose to believe that out of the ashes you can create beauty.  I choose to believe that my story is far from done and this chapter is setting me up to love better than I have loved before.

God, when I feel this way I can become so self-focused.  This week-- can you give me eyes to see people...I mean to truly see and listen and care in a way that let's people know..I see you and I care?  God, I pray for stories to write about at the end of my week of the people you place on my path. Can you please bring people on my path this week who I can learn from?

God, can you give me new perspective this week? Help me to see opportunities rather than obstacles.
Lord, I pray for my neighbor. I don't know her background, or her story, but I pray that her heart would rest in the truth of your love for her.  God, I pray for this whole neighborhood. I don't know everyone or all that goes on behind everyone's doors, but I pray that you would be known in this neighborhood. I pray that miracles would happen in this neighborhood and people would be united in your name. God, help me to break out of my comfort zone.

Thanks for carrying my load Lord,

A

Fruit Tree Shake Down after the Storm

God,

It's been a fruit-tree-shake-down-after-the-storm kind of last few weeks for me. The two weeks prior to this week were the messy ugly storm.  I was thrown into the raw place of new leadership opportunities and felt as though I was being eaten alive by my novice, naive mind. In the storm, I wondered, am I really cut out for this?  Is this where, I'm supposed to be? But I hunkered down the hatches and kept moving; one painful, vulnerable, fearful step and experience after another.  As Glennon Melton says, " I just kept showing up trying to do the next right thing."

And you know what I found? Even sometimes when we feel something is the right thing, it will not always be the right thing for everyone. And that's okay.  This week, I learned that sometimes when I try so hard to create a safe environment for everyone by nipping gossip before it gets out of hand, without realizing it I had unintentionally shamed and isolated the person who had started it.  So in creating a safe environment for many, I unintentionally made it unsafe for one. Is that good or bad? I don't know there is an answer to that. What I do know is that I am learning. I am soaking in my blunders to learn how to love and lead better.
God, thanks for preparing me over the last years to lean into the hurtful, painful, or vulnerable moments in life and grow from them. Thanks for people I do and don't personally know who have influenced the way I think about the world. While I may never influence millions of people, its my prayer that I would use the small sphere of influence I do have to encourage and promote growth and self-reflection in others.

So this week was the fruit shake down after the storm. Prior to a storm, we hardly notice the fruit and goodness tucked in the branches of a tree.  However, after a storm, the fruit comes down and we start to collect it and enjoy it and celebrate it...but most importantly....we share it.  So this week, I've been reflecting over the storm. I've been processing the growth and wisdom that I'm gaining as a result of these storms. I feel rejuvenated and hopeful that the next time the storm comes (as it always does), I will have the peace of mind of knowing that fruit is always easier to access once we get through the storm. And I can always anticipate that there is never a storm in which you are not by my side helping to guide me to find the fruit that needs collected and shared.

God, thanks for wise people who have followed you in sharing their fruit with others. The last few weeks the words of Brene Brown, Glennon Melton, and Bob Goff have brought perspective in my life. Thanks for the ways you are using their influence to encourage me and so many others to take steps of faith and to learn more about ourselves in the process.

God, I don't have a huge sphere of influence but I do have a small one. Can you help me be an influencer who inspires others to be the best version of themselves within whatever sphere of influence I am in? My dream is that I always role model what I believe in my deepest core;

- WORDS matter. What a crazy, amazing responsibility we have as humans!!! How we speak about someone, is just as important as what we say to them.  When we speak unkindly about someone, we are really just telling the world that we are insecure about our own junk--so we have to escape by highlighting someone elses. But what if we owned our own junk and spoke truthfully and vulnerably about our own stuff. So if someone is bugging us because they aren't changing in the way we would like...what if instead of saying, "He just doesn't care"...I said..." I'm feeling frustrated because I am trying to take responsibility for someone else's life change and it isn't working. Maybe it's never really been my responsibility anyway?
Isn't that the real issue?  I feel like before we can begin to throw stones at anyone else, we have to first take an introspective dive into the deep well of our own hearts. The place where our true hurt, pain, anger, and fear live. Let's get real about that.
The way we speak about others has so much power to change and influence the ways others view themselves and others. If we treat people as hopeless and not capable of change--that's how they will view themselves and that's the fruit they will bear.  But I've seen time and time again through the work we do at Care Connections, that when we treat people as people who have a story worth telling--they rise to the occasion.  If we speak words of self-hatred or self-condemnation through our thoughts, we live out lives that downplay the gifts of how we are uniquely and intricately wired. As a youth leader, one of the girls in my group was pretty quiet the first few weeks. I decided to have a conversation with her. What I said to her was, "I've noticed you've really been listening intently to others in group...which I love about you. But I'm kind of grieving a bit. I think you have a lot to share, and when you don't...we miss out on the gift of knowing you." It was incredible how the next week, she opened up for the first time in group and wow'd us all with amazing, mature, wisdom.

--EVEN more, PEOPLE MATTER.
I love my job because I get to take on the role of a learner everyday. I get to meet amazing people who have lives that are filled with struggle, resilience, and hope.  The universal theme that I've seen most transformational, is that people just want to know that their life matters. That their life has purpose and meaning.  I am an eager student of the theories of Viktor Frankl. He talks about man's deepest desire is for meaning, and while I'm still relatively young in my career, I have found incredible truth in that truth.

- Generally speaking, ASSUME THE BEST.
I find that I'm at my best when I'm assuming the best about others. Brene Brown talks about assuming that everyone is just doing the best they can.  I would hope that's the graceful approach others would have towards me, so I will choose to treat other people that way first.

- "I'd rather choose to practice my values, than simply professing them." I have never met Brene Brown, but when I read her books and her ideas, I imagine her as a kindred spirit. When I hear what she says, it resonates somewhere deep where I internally say, "Yes! Yes! You get it...you get me."  I've spent a lot of my life feeling misunderstood because of how I view people and the world. But this woman, she gets it.  So I may never meet her, but I have been deeply influenced by her. God---can you make me that type of person?  The type of person that lives out what she believes and speaks to be true.


Lord-- I have no idea what the future holds for me. But I do know, 5 years ago I would have never imagined that I was even capable of living the adventure you have me on now. If this is all you have for me, I'm thankful to continue on. If you continue to have other things, lead me.  So, as I approach my 28th year in 21 days...I pray that my future adventures would allow me to lead in a way that models the truths above that I so desperately believe with all my heart.


You're the best God.  Thanks for choosing a divine nobody like me to shape and mold everyday.

In awe of you,

Audrey

The Next Chapter

God,

Last night, I said a final farewell ton 320 N Lime Street.  While there were several confirmations in the last weeks that it is time to move on, I had sentimental moments. The last 4 years, that apartment has harbored my fears, anxieties, joys, and triumphs. It has housed love and friendship and heart breaks and disappointment.  But I trust that this new home, will have a host of memories to be remembered as well.  God, thank you for the time on Lime Street. In the seasons I've lived there, I've learned so much about the community, the people I serve daily, but most importantly myself.  You have taught me that I am braver than I believe. You have taught me that wherever I am, there you too will be.  And you've taught me that light beats out darkness every time.

So it is my prayer, that this new home would be a respite for many. Not only for the hearts who reside here, but also for all who enter through the doors. God, I pray that I would not take this gift of a home for granted.  Open my eyes to the opportunities to serve through this gift you've given.  Push me to take this new chapter and allow you to write something far better than I can know.  Lord, with great gifts come great responsibility. Lord, I need you to help me use this gift well.

Lord, yesterday at church the pastor spoke of grace for others but also for our own self condemnation. God, I'm much better at the other grace than I am the self grace.  God, I accept your gift that I no longer have to live in regret of my sins, but get up and walk towards your free gift of grace.

Lord,  can you help my step forward into the next year with a posture of gratitude? I can let myself drown in anticipation of what could be or I can live in the moment now and just choose to follow for the next minute, day, hour.. etc.  And I choose the later.

I will lean on Isaiah 57:10-- You were wearied with the length of your way but you did not say, "It is hopeless": You found new life for your strength and so you were not faint.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself." 
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

Amen!

God,

I am blessed. Thanks for using the book of Hosea to speak into my insecurities. God, I want to be different. I want to know you intimately.  And I want to love and see people the way that you do. Through Hosea, you are reminding me that I first have to be able to see myself as you see me, as Chosen and Beloved.  All too often, I talk to you...but I forget to stop and listen, to allow you the time to respond.

The other day, a friend was talking about taking a personality test. I was reminded of the days as a camp counselor, we were asked to complete one ourselves. ENFJ/INFJ.  I am the oddball type. I am exactly on the line of extrovert/introvert so dont clearly fit in either--I'm a bit of both. Since I've been on call this week, I've had loads of extra time just to think and research and dream with my work phone by my side. So I decided to review what these personality characteristics mean. And you know, I am blown away at how accurate they are.  God, every personality has strengths and weaknesses for sure and while all ENFJ/INFJ's are not the same-- reviewing the description reminded me that you have purposefully and specifically designed me to be the person I am for a reason.  God, thanks for this reminder that who I am is not wrong or right or out in left field....I am perfectly who you want me to be.  God, I give you any shame, doubt, insecurity about myself and lay it before you. God, just like the trees don't doubt that you will bring their leaves back again as they are deeply rooted in you---I hold onto that same confidence---that this dessert is not forever. This season can and will be beautiful. It is necessary to appreciate the other seasons just that much more because I have gone through it.

Lord,
In my work, I often have to diagnosis patients with a label.  But at the end of the day--it is just a label---but it is not WHO the person is. It cannot fully capture the entirety of the persons strengths and weakness, likes and dislikes. It merely tells the insurance company that there is humanness in this person--there is struggle and there is strife---but it does not define their personhood. God--this week--can you help me to see the person- the God-designed characteristics innate in EVERY person. Give me your eyes to see.

Amen

Genuine/Authentic Faith

I think I've written this before, but it's a theme that keeps looping and making its way back in my mind. What does authentic faith look like?  When I say authentic, I mean totally genuine and pure-of-heart love for God and others. A faith that isn't just Christian-ease or prideful. A faith that doesn't view others as projects, but as fellow sinners that we NEED in our life just as much as they need us.  I desire that kind of faith. I want to have that totally pure and genuine heart for others like Christ, but I feel like I really fall short a lot--hazed by selfish ambition and insecurity.

God, some times I try to strive for authentic and genuine faith. But I feel like the very act of striving takes away the natural and genuineness of it all. So I know I can't make it happen on my own. But God, I pray that this week your genuine, pure, selfless spirit would reign in me naturally.  I pray that when I interact with people they would feel an unquestionable warmth and love that can only come from you. I pray that I would be quick to listen and slow to speak. I pray I would not be led to act out of selfish motives, but out of a heart that wants to empowers others and wants the best for them, like you do for me. Give me your eyes for other people, so I can see them as you do.

God, forgive me for many moments I have slipped up. I have torn others down with my speech, gossiped, sought human affirmation-rather than your affirmation.  This is not who you've made me to be. I feel icky inside just thinking about the ways these things have leaked into my heart and mind.  I lay these things before you and ask for your help to change. I truly and genuinely want to change, but again--it can't happen on it's own aside from you.

Take this life and let it be, more about you and less about me!

AMEN

God,

You are my joy. You are the re-framer of my thoughts. Tonight, I was tempted to replay critical self-talk in my mind, but all of a sudden I thought..." How does God see me?"  I was thinking so hard about how others see or think of me, that I lost sight of the most important view.

And I know Lord, that you would say... "She's been holding fast more than you know. She's been trying so hard. This girl, my child, is beautifully broken but incredibly loved.  Although she wonders from time to time, she earnestly wants to do the right thing. Sometimes she just has some trouble trusting me that I know what I'm doing.  But this child, my child, she is just who I want her to be. She may not understand the intricate web of personality traits that I've given her, but I have designed her in a way that no other person could replicate her. I want her heart. I want to grow her. And I will bring her through. I can't wait to show her what is in store...

God. You search me and know me.  I pray that I can trust who you tell me I am through your word, rather than the moments of self-bashing that don't help me grow.

When things just don't fit

Father God,

This evening it's just you and me, and this little hotel room in LaCrosse Wisconsin.  It always amazes me at the most interesting places we go together.  I could think of no better way to spend my downtime, than connecting with you and your word. Thanks for the reminder from Psalm 126, that you are a God of past faithfulness and a God of future faithfulness. You know my heart, so this will come as no surprise--but emotionally I just feel stuck in this waiting room, but I don't know what I am waiting on.
All to often I feel like the Isrealites who saw you perform miracles in their lives, but then quickly forgot how you have provided. They get so stuck on the things yet to come, that they forget where they've come from and the GREATNESS of who you are.  I can list the countless ways you have met me at my worst and came through in ways that I didn't even know I needed you to come through.  I don't want to forget and I don't want to doubt that you ARE for me. You have my best in mind, and as much as sometimes I want to question why you have made things the way they are--you have always made your goodness known.

Lord, I name my deepest fear of lifelong singleness to you and again surrender it to your care. It's hard to type those words. I'd like to pretend that I am completely confident in you and who you made me.  But, I have a daily battle to fight, and I can't do it without you. I have a battle to reframe my thoughts everyday; to choose to see the opportunities in the challenges, to choose to push myself out of my comfort zone, to accept the many emotions I experience in the midst of it all, to choose to see life as a process and not a series of events and milestones that need achieved today, to see myself as you see me and accept that I am deeply flawed but intensely loved beyond my wildest imagination.

Lord, I pray that I would experience you in a clear and distinct way the next 4 days I spend in Wisconsin.  I don't want to continue to be the same person I am now. I pray for growth and openness to the prompting of your holy spirit that draws me closer to you.  Father, help me be present now and not living in the future and the yet to comes.  I want my life to glorify you daily, not just when things are easy or going well.

Can you help me?

You have plans to prosper me and not destroy me
You are NOT witholding good from me
You have a plan for my life and I have purpose

On my flight to Chicago yesterday, I was moved to tears as we waited for take off. Sitting there, I saw a man who was obese, across the aisle lean over to the stranger seated next to him; whispering, "this is embarrassing, I don't fit." His face was wrinkled with shame and self-hatred.  I quickly turned my face to the window, so my chatty-kathy seat buddy would not see my tears.  As the stewardess approached, she offered the stranger sitting next to the man with weight issues an alternate seat.  And while I could no longer see the face of the man who struggled with weight issues, I could imagine the internal dialogue of self-slander going on his mind. And all I could do was pray. I prayed (and cried) for that man in the moment-- for a holy interception of those thoughts. That instead grace, mercy, and a confidence that he is loved would radiate to the deepest corners of his heart.  But even deeper, I think this man's moment resonated with my heart because we all have these moments.

I identify with him--not in the obesity, but in the daily struggle to allow shame and self-doubt to be wiped clean.  To see myself as You see me.  Lord, in those moments in this season of life where I too have a "this is embarrassing, I don't fit" kind of moment-- will you meet me there?  I get teary as I write this because, I need to get this just as much as that guy.  I can't offer others grace and confidence in Christ, if I can't identify those cracks in my own heart. I know we are supposed to be outward, as Christians, but I think just as much you ask us to step to the plate and do the tough work of looking inward.  We have so many "things" to distract us from the real heart issues, because to truly look inward hurts before it gets better somedays.  But out of that heart work; flows authentic, genuine grace that can't be self-manufactured by behavior modification.

So if nothing else comes from this trip, I will hold on to that moment with a divine nobody on the airplane. He has no idea the impact that moment brought to my heart, but I pray God, that you show him he HAS purpose. He is not alone in the fight, and I pray you would bring people in his midst who help him unpack the inner gunk keeping him bound to shame.

You are Good God. Always good.

A