Asking the tough questions: Grace Vs Truth in Love

Lord,
It's hard to know where to begin.  The last three months have been full of joyous moments and some challenging moments too.  Lord, I thank you for the challenges that have prodded me to seek your heart more deeply.

Lord, I've been placed in situations that tested my willingness to extend grace.  But at the same time, I was challenged  to establish when grace is no longer the most loving thing to do, and setting boundaries is most necessary and healthy.  I know that Satan wants me to believe that healthy boundaries means that I become controlling.  But thanks for being strong for me. For helping me not to internalize self-critique that could have kept me from doing the most loving thing.  I've seen my selfishness come out.  I've seen pride, anxiety, and gossip come out of my mouth. I've also seen how you've convicted me of that and ask me to take action.  Lord, I have messed up and not always responded as I wish I would have. Thanks for extending the same overwhelming grace to me that you gave to Peter, when he sometimes acted without thinking. Lord, show me how to love with grace AND boundaries. And how to let the responsibility for someone's relationship for you not be my responsibility...but yours.  I am a willing vessel. Use me, but I ask for discernment, when I sometimes need to take a step back and say...this has to be God. Don't let me get sucked into a huge ego that would make me believe that anything I could do would ever save anyone.  It's only you and the holy spirit.

Father, I pray for those who know you and have received your grace. I pray that they would not remain stagnant by the word of your grace, but would be changed by it.  Please continue to bring spiritual mentors into the lives of young adults Lord. There are so many people carrying around brokenness, and just need a mature Christian to walk alongside them and speak into their lives to become more like you.  But Lord, only you can ignite that desire in someones heart. They have to want you and your grace, and to desire to know who you are personally.  They have to want that healing. Not because of pressure from friends or relatives, but because they recognize their deep need for you. They recognize that nothing else of this world will satisfy the unquenched need in their hearts.

Lord, I pray that you would show me the things about myself that sometimes I like to pretend are not there. Heal those areas of my life that bring me shame. Allow me to take the pressure off of myself to fix them, so that you can do it perfectly.  I will never be perfect. You didn't design me to be that way.  I pray though that my blundders and missteps could ultimately be used just as much for you...because you are, well, just that wonderful and capable.

Amen:)

Praying for him...

Father,

Tonight I just have it on my heart to pray for the man you will have for me to marry someday.  I pray Lord that he would be a man with a passion for loving and serving you and loving others first and foremost.  Lord, I pray that this waiting season of my life would be well worth it, because of the incredible man that you are preparing for me.  I pray that together we would reflect you better than we could apart. I pray that as each of us seek you and the passions that you have placed on our hearts, that these passions would intersect and truly highlight your perfect plan. I entrust this waiting period to you, Lord. Even if that man is not a part of your plan for me, I pray that you would raise up men after your heart who would lead by example for other christian women. Lord, I just praise you for the many ways I see you working everyday, to make your glory known. Lord, wherever he is..I pray that he would know and feel your presence!

Lots of Love,
A

Fear is Easy, Love is Hard

Today, the word's of Jason's Gray song hit me like a ton of bricks...."Fear is Easy, Love is Hard."   How true. Almost like a spiritual amnesia, I often forget this truth and the value of love over fear.

There are  several things coming up that ignite overwhelming fear in me. But when I look to the cross, I become overwhelmed by a new emotion of love poured out by my Heavenly Father.

I've been studying the book of Deuteronomy and have been praying that the Lord would speak through this study--That He would not leave me the same as when I began.  Now 5 weeks into the study, I feel a new yearning to know Jesus. To seek him. To become more like him.

Lord,

My prayer tonight is that in someway you would change me in ways that can only be made sense by who you are. Lord, I ask that you would be my only focus. I pray that my heart would mirror your heart. That I would bear much fruit for YOUR kingdom.

Father, please bring opportunity into my life this week to share your goodness and love with someone who may need it. Whoever that person is, I pray for him or her right now Lord. Prepare their hearts for you. I pray that you would help me to not get distracted from my focus on you.
You are the meaning and purpose for my life.You know me better than I know myself. I pray that even when I don't understand, I would have faith in your love and will for my life.  Lord, I pray that I would not get caught up in dreaming of the future, but rather I would be able to celebrate and rejoice in what you have before me right now. Lord, remind me who I am in you, when the loneliness of this season sets in. I pray I would run to you, as the One and only who can fill up this heart.

Lord, my heart is to someday get married. I leave that in your hands, but I pray that you would make me into the kind of woman that would attract a man that is seeking wholeheartedly after you.  I don't know who he is tonight, Lord.  I pray that you would strengthen Him. I pray that you would bring other Godly men alongside Him as accountability and encouragement.  And most importantly Lord,  I pray that he would have a steadfast boldness that seeks to weather the storms of life in a way that bears much fruit. Lord, I pray that whatever you bring me to and through in my time of singleness, you would use to prepare me for this relationship.  Lord, remind me of the truth of who I am in you, when the loneliness of this season sets in. I pray I would run to you, as the One and only who can fill up this heart.  Show me how to glorify you with my time.

Thanks for hearing my heart. I feel so much comfort in knowing that you care so deeply about the things of my heart.

Please be with each of the girls in my mpact group, Lord.  I pray that they would develop a passion for you that bears fruit and encourages others to seek after you. This is not something that I can do Lord...it is a passion that can only come from you.

 Please be with me friends here and afar who are ministering to others. May you truly shine through their lives and into the lives of others.

Father--I lift up women across the country who are stuck in the bondage of human trafficking. Lord, I pray that your supernatural power would break these bonds that leave the women feeling worthless. I pray that you would bring others into their lives who can bring the hope of your death and resurrection to set them free. I pray for the restoration of these women.
 Father, please be with North Star Initiative. I pray that you would be at work in the lives of people throughout Lancaster County. I pray for overwhelming support to finance the Harbor Home. I pray for the staff you have planned for this home, that you would be at work in their lives right now to prepare them for the challenging yet joyous journey ahead.

In your precious name,

Amen:)

The Law of Love and Account of God's Faithfulness

It's been a while since I've written of my encounters with God's faithfulness. That's not to say there haven't been moments that shouted of God's glory, but I perhaps was not as intentional about documenting them.  Today was one of those days that God reached down in the depths and quenched my deep thirst and wrestling.  Work has been a total challenge and test of faith, with many changes coming down the pike.  With the population to whom I work, steps towards life change can be tough to see and can take a long process (as it is for all humans--but particularly the population that I work). There are many many days when I feel defeated. I wonder if my work has any meaning or is making any impact at all.  But today...today I had a day where God open flood gates of change for one of my patients. As many times as I felt like more of a bother than a help to this patient, the consistency burst forth into big change in the midst of crisis.  I had been praying specifically for this woman for several months and often felt defeated when in her moments of suffering, all I could say was..."this has to be terribly difficult. I am so sorry that there are not resources available to meet your need at this time."  But, in miraculous ways God came through and met her need today. To see hope re-emerge through her smile--reminded me that God is faithful in his own timing. And in small way--God reminded me that even though I am weak and incapable--he is strong and able.

I am incredibly blessed to be one of the leaders for a jr. high group at my church. Tonight we dug into God's word in Deuteronomy.  We were blown away that God came through on his promises to Abraham--even if the fruits of those promises only came generations later.  "The Lord your God has multiplied you, and behold, you are today as numerous as the stars of heaven.May the LORD, the God of your fathers, make you a thousand times as many as you are and bless you, as he has promised you." Deuteronomy 1:10-12

-Deut. 1:21-- See, the Lord your God has set the land before you.  Go up, take possession, as the Lord, the God of your fathers, has told you. Do not fear or be dismayed.
- Deut. 1:30-- The LORD your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes.

As I continue to journey into the wilderness of the unknown with my job and my future, I will continue to hold onto these truths. When I begin to lose focus and feel like I need to fix things for my patients, I need to remember this experience. God will come through--IN HIS TIME. I may never see a change--but God will still be at work. He asks me to persevere in the difficulty--To continue to love, when it is easier to abandon. To keep hope--when it is easier to become frustrated and apathetic.

Father,
Thank you for speaking through Deuteronomy. I praise you for meeting me here and making yourself known.  You are so faithful.  Forgive me when I doubt you. For the moments where I fear and worry because I feel I need to fix and solve and make things better. Thanks for the humbling reminder that YOU are in control and I don't need to take that into my own hands. This battle with control is a life long struggle--but thanks for sticking with me in this fight.  And in general...Thanks for fighting for me, Lord.  If it be your will, I pray for more opportunities to shout of your faithfulness.

Your daughter,
A

Laura Story--Faithful God

May the grace that sought my heart on that first day

Be the grace that binds my heart to stay

May the truth that opened up my eyes on that first time

Be the thoughts on my mind that never go away

For You are a lamp to my feet

A light to my path

You're the hand that's holding me

Faithful God, every promise kept

Every need You've met, faithful God

May the love that caught my heart to set it free

Be the love that others see in me

And may this hope that reaches to the depths of human need

Be the song that I sing in joy and suffering

For You are the love that never leaves

The friend that won't deceive

You're the one sure thing

Faithful God, every promise kept

Every need You've met, faithful God

All I am and all I'll ever be

Is all because You love faithfully

Faithful God

How deep, how wide the love

That pierced His side, the love

Redemption's mine, oh love

That will not let me go

How deep Your love

How deep, how wide the love

That pierced His side, the love

Redemption's mine, oh love

That will not let me go

How deep, how wide the love

That pierced His side, the love

Redemption's mine, oh love

That will not let me go

Faithful God, every promise kept

Every need You've met, faithful God

All I am and all I'll ever be

Is all because You love faithfully

Faithful God, faithful God

Coming out of Hibernation

It's been some time since I've last written.  The last few months have been a bit of a season of hibernation for me. This seems to happen at some point every winter. My heart begins to mimic the cold temperatures outside and I seek refuge in secluding myself from being seen in such a state.  I've tried to fight this urge to hibernate away, and yet it seems my heart needs it to be able to fully recover and re-engage in life with renewed vision and purpose.  It's as if in this funk, God shows me how desperate I truly am for Him--how much my life, fulfillment, and purpose can only be found in Him and Him alone.  But in these slumps, I often get into a wrestling match with God.  I hurl questions and accusations his way--questioning his goodness and plan for my life.  Throughout the fight, my selfishness is regurgitated back to the surface and exposed at its deepest roots. It's in these moments of exposure that my shame sends me to the corner of the boxing ring to hide.  But my relentless opponent shines the light on me. He encourages me to continue to provoke Him with questions, so that He can show me just how strong He truly is. He can love me in this state, even when I don't understand why.

And at some point, I have have to let my heart embrace GRACE. His GRACE is just too transforming to hide from. It is God's grace that kindles warmth and thaws out my cold and hardened heart. It's this GRACE that gently whispers---"The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:4-8

Today, I choose joy again.  I choose to let God permeate my everyday--to lead me places that sometimes, I'd rather not go--these places of the unknown, the places where the possibility of failure lurks, and the places I will learn how truly weak I am. But in these places, I pray that I would experience a known God in the unknown.  I pray that I would experience God's mercy, grace, hope, provision, and perfection in my failure. I pray that I would experience God's supernatural strength and resilience in the face of my own weakness. And ultimately--I pray that I would move forward with confidence and an unspeakable joy that cannot come from my own strength. I say joy--not happiness. Joy transcends circumstances-happiness depends on the right circumstances.

Lord, I may never fully understand why you've designed me with a tendency to hibernate at times. But I pray, that as I dig out of this frigid state--you would re-ignite the flame of joy in my heart. Don't let me continue to hide. Develop in me a heart that encourages people to draw closer to you. Infuse me with your genuine compassion and concern, discernment, and love for others. Show me how to truly rest in you, so that I don't burn out.

I surrender in this wrestling match. Even though we both know I never stood a chance--thanks for humoring me:)

A quarter of a century

Today is a big day. It's my quarter of a century birthday.  It's funny how God continues to capture me with the little things in each day.  My birthday present from God today took the form of a half day at work, due to a hurricane fake out. It was the best of all worlds...minimal damage with maximum relaxation:) My prayers go out to those in other parts of the East significantly terrorized by the storm though.

So...good timing to think ahead for the next quarter of life.  Lately, Romans 8:28, keeps popping into my head at times through the song "Your love never fails."  I pray that in this next quarter...I would grasp the following truth from their lyrics:

Your Love Never Fails By Jesus Culture

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/jesus-culture-your-love-never-fails-lyrics.html ]
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good

I know Romans 8:28 can sometimes be taken out of context. We may think that God will give us everything that we desire, exactly as we see it working out.  But I think the truth is, God's plans are far greater than our own. Even when the winds blow and the storm rages, God is in that. He is in the moments where we doubt. He is in the moments where we turn away. But he is just as much in the moments where he uses difficult circumstances for our good, because His good is ultimately Our good!

Here's to the next quarter of life...walking in faith that no matter what happens...all things are worked out for our good!!

Mission Statement for Life

It's been a while. I am always processing, what seems to be a million thoughts at a time. However, at the core--I think this one encompasses a lot of my thoughts lately. How do I make decisions? How do I decide how to act, think, react? What's the best way to evaluate my heart? At core--what beliefs are driving my actions?

Most corporations, churches, non-profits have a mission statement. This mission statement is the overarching beliefs of the organization--it's the theological backing of why we do what we do. It is this mission that dictates the direction and action of the organization--the programs that are provided--where money is funded, who the targeted beneficiary of services will be, etc.  When you look at a healthy organization and all the action items, you automatically can see how each action item is a clear action that flows out of the core values expressed in the mission statement.

If I had a mission statement for my life--what would it be? Are the action items of my life, turning back to reflect the things that I say that I believe in the deepest parts of who I am? Or am I running like a mismanaged organization---saying my mission is one thing, but acting in a way that reflects a totally different direction? So when I say that God is sovereign, faithful, omniscient, holy, wise, infinite, omnipotent,loving, just, self-sufficient, merciful, unchanging, gracious, and omnipresent---do my actions reflect these truths? Does my lack of patience reflect a life founded on having a creator with these qualities--does it reflect that I trust these qualities to be true? 

My Life Mission Statement:  To live a life that by my very being, speaks into the joy, hope, grace, mercy, transforming power and truth gifted to me by Christ. It is my life mission, that every decision, word, and action would bring Christ glory because of His sacrifice for my life and reflect my thankful and undeserving heart.

Lord, my prayer is that in the everyday, I would keep this mission statement on my mind. When I am not sure how to respond, choose, act, or speak-- I pray-that I would hold all my options against this mission statement--against the truth I know to be true about you. I pray that when I speak--people would see my heart to honor you first and foremost. When I serve--that others would see the actions speaking out of a heart of praise and humbleness before God. When I discern which way to go--that others would see a heart so captured by Christ, that God's desires naturally become my own desires. 

You know the specific life application for all this thought and prayer. Lord, I just pray that my actions would speak out of a heart founded on your Truth and Love.  Lord apart from you--I am nothing. Please help me to continue to pursue a strong foundation and allow me to seek you with all my heart. 

Thanks for pursuing me, Lord. Thanks for loving the unloveable parts of me. And thanks for never giving up on me.  Your the best! I pray that this same truth that I am learning, this same passion you are creating in my heart will also be evoked in the whole Lancaster County community and beyond. I pray for the Church--that out of the wellspring of who you are--Truth would shine bright and change lives around the world! Please be with all the leaders who have power to evoke action in their organizations. I pray that when they look back at their mission--it would reflect your heart! Lord, above all else..tonight I pray Proverbs 4:23---guard my heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Let me heart reflect your mission statement for my life!

Amen:)

       

The Blessing of a Burden

"May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart.  May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.  May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, and starvation, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.  And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done. May God bless you with the weirdest blessing possible--his divine burden."

--Craig Groeschel


I have not written for a while. Lately, I suppose I've been processing life internally, rather than sprawling it all out on the computer screen. I'm realizing my true nature as a woman comes out in my inability to "just let things go" and my need to process my experiences and emotions thoroughly, over and over again until I can come to some terms or acceptance of it all.

Recently, I watched my all-time favorite movie, Freedom Writers.  One of the best quotes of the movie, is when the father of a inner-city teacher, who was once discouraging of his daughter's passion for the work, states, "You are blessed with a burden, my daughter."  To be blessed with a burden?? It's sounds absurd and yet I've experienced so much truth in it.

I love the mystery of God's divine nature. It shows up in the unlikely people, events, and emotions.  As someone who's default is to suppress anger or emotion, it is refreshing to think that these emotions can provoke and ignite godly passion.

Over the last few weeks, I've gotten to know a woman who has fallen through the cracks in every possible way in society.Few people in the community will give her the time of day, based on her mental illness--and yet when I've weeded through the jumbled speech, I found that her story is haunting, but her joy is infectious. This woman has taught me so much about trust, hope, and grace.  And as her story came has been unfolding, advocacy is no longer good enough. Advocacy has to prompt Action.  And in my case, it's my extreme anger at the system and apathy of enabling the status quo that bring me broiling to the brim.

I am learning that anger in and of itself is not bad. It's what you do with it that can be productive/harmful.  So, as I leave it before the Lord to guide my response to this emotional tug of war---I pray that my anger would initiate action.  God's action.  You see, Jesus saw our sins. It left him emotionally disheartened and outright  angry at human's sinful nature. And yet, he did not let the anger bog him down. He let the anger initiate action. His action---death on the cross.

The prayer written above by Craig Groeschel, is my prayer. I pray that the holy spirit would be at work in my heart to seek action in the face of anger. To pursue the divine moments of the everyday, with the faith that God will meet me there. I pray for the wisdom in how to know when to speak and when to be silent, sometimes a huge struggle for me.

I will forever be a work in progress. But thank the Lord, he loves me too much to let me hide these emotions. He asks me to put them out on display and allow him to make them divinely beautiful, in a way only his touch can do.

Father God,
I want to give it all to you. To lay it down and say I am willing to fully walk away and trust you and your provision.  I struggle with the feeling some days that anytime anything good happens, it will just be taken away.  Lord, I need your help to trust that your plans for me--your eternal purposes--- are far better than anything here on Earth can offer. I give you the things of my heart I've been clinging to, and hold them with an open hand (yours to give or take away).  I pray that these truths would resonate in my heart and shadow my every thought.  I pray for a patient heart, Lord. A heart that patiently waits for you and your timing, rather than my own timeline and agenda. Just like Hannah, in 1st Samuel, Lord I pray that I would endure the enticement of coveting what others have and continue to pray for your divine fulfillment and your purposeful design behind all the hills and valleys of life. You have already poured so many blessings into my life. I pray that these blessings would come back to bring you glory.
Amen

Depleted---Digging for Diamonds in the Rough

This has been one of those weeks where I feel completely emotionally and physically depleted. My back up well of energy is drying up and once again I am on my knees thanking God for carrying me through. It's the kind of week where the reality of my job is ever present and laying heavy on my heart.  My dependence on God as my rock and my hope keeps my plugging through. The truth of Matthew 28:11--" Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."--has never spoken with such urgency to my heart.

Tonight was one of those nights, where I came home from work, and caved into the invitation of an early nap on my bed.  I woke up, not feeling rested, but feeling the need to get out of the house and muster the strength to go about life. The dirty dishes, laundry to be put away, and unmade bed can wait tonight.  Tonight---self-care mode is first priority. If I am going to be even the smallest bit useful to anyone the next two days--I have to take a step back.

Tonight, I pulled out a paper that I wrote at the end of grad school regarding burn out prevention.  I have not looked at this since, but it is a good self-check to monitor how I am doing with self-care.

Burnout: A Personal Prevention and Self-Care Plan

Audrey Martin

Roberts Wesleyan College

Burnout: A Personal Prevention Plan

            Once a passionate and optimistic idealist, Mrs. Alexander, has recently found herself disillusioned by the countless stories of trauma she hears daily working as a social worker in a domestic violence shelter.  After being at her current organization for 10 years, Mrs. Alexander finds herself cynical of her work, often questioning, what’s the point? I do my best, and my clients still end up going back to their abusers. There is no hope. At one time, Mrs. Alexander was energized by the prospect of new projects and areas of growth within the profession, but she now feels bored and unfulfilled by the work. For the past several years, Mrs. Alexander has thrown herself into her work, frequently cutting out lunch breaks and working late in the evening to accomplish all she can for her clients. Even her kids often sarcastically remark, “Mom, it’s good to see you are alive. We were ready to send out a search party to look for you.”  Mrs. Alexander begins to ponder, how did I get to this point of hopelessness in a profession that once felt so rewarding? How can I extend hope to my clients when I have no hope?

            The vignette above depicts a far too common story of well-intentioned individuals in the helping professions confronting the reality of burnout.  In the current day of economic hardship, with frequent staff cuts and high caseloads, it is essential to begin to look at the reality of burnout and preventative measures to ensure a resilient, satisfied, and effective workforce who play a critical role in providing assistance to the most vulnerable in society.  As a soon-to-be masters level social worker, it is important to develop a personal self-care plan that will reduce the risk of future burnout in the field and preserve one’s longevity in serving clients in need. This paper will aim to address the definition and development of burnout, prevention and management strategies, as well as my own personal plan for self-care and burnout prevention.

           

Burnout Definition and Development

            At times it seems paradoxical that the very reasons individuals enter the helping profession, to utilize their skills of empathy and compassionate character, can be the achilles’ heel that leads to the development of impairment and burnout. Specifically, “48% of the total social work workforce in the United States experiences high level of personal distress as a result of their work” (Wharton, 2008).  The very self-care procedures helping professionals advise to clients can become void in their own lives. 

            The term “burnout” is common in the helping profession, but widely defined by many sources. The Merriam-Websters Dictionary defines burnout as the, “exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration” (Burnout, n.d.).  Fruedenberger, the father of the term burnout, defines this condition as, “a depletion or exhaustion of a person’s mental and physical resources attributed to his or her prolonged, yet unsuccessful striving toward unrealistic expectations, internally or externally derived” (Keller & Ritt, 1984).  Other similar terms have been designed in the field of helping which address conditions that social workers and other helpers are vulnerable to due to the nature of the job, such as compassion fatigue and secondary traumatic stress (STS).  Secondary traumatic stress can occur for direct workers and their supervisors, who experience distress and impairment after a client recollects their traumatic experiences (Barnett, Elman, Baker, & Shroener, 2007). Figley, (2002) suggests however, that these conditions differ from burnout stating,

            Compassion fatigue, in contrast to both burnout and countertransference, is associated      with a sense of helplessness and confusion; there is a greater sense of isolation from            supporters. The symptoms are disconnected from real causes and are triggered by other      experiences.  Burnout may require changing jobs or careers.  However, compassion           fatigue is highly treatable once workers recognize it and act accordingly (p. 1436).

            The factors contributing to burnout in the helping profession can vary widely from person to person, but the literature suggests several common contributing factors. Soderfeldt, Soderfeldt, & Warg (1995) propose that burnout results in the helping profession from the involvement in intricate social situations of clients, role ambiguity and conflict, and high demands with limited resources.  Social workers can experience increased stress from combined pressures of work load, covering for unmet staffing needs, organizational restructuring and retention problems, and lack of adequate supervision (Weinstein, 2008). Additionally, low levels of compassion satisfaction were found to be associated with high levels of burnout. Compassion satisfaction is defined as feelings of competence and sense of calling to the helping vocation. In a study of child welfare workers, young, female workers were most vulnerable experience of burnout (Van Hook and Rothenberg, 2009).

            While burnout can occur in many professions, but also one may ask why it so much emphasis is placed on the helping field. Essentially, the answer is that burnout not only impacts the helping professional, but impairs his or her ability to serve clients and initiates a potential risk of harm to already vulnerable clients.  Social workers are held to ethical standards to not only protect themselves from impairment, but to protect the client’s of others by identifying and assisting fellow professionals who are impaired to access resources in order to function appropriately with clients (National Association of Social Workers, 1997).  Peebles-Wilkins (2008), notes that,

            Indications of impairment include poor judgment, and unacceptable job performance         characterized by tardiness, absenteeism, dramatic mood changes, changes in hygiene and     physical appearance, boundary concerns or personal involvement with clients, inability to       recall what transpired in an interview, and other difficulties may be indicators of           impairment” (p. 1). 

            There are a variety of symptoms associated with burnout, which can lead to professional impairment. The symptoms can include cynicism, workaholism, isolation, boredom, depletion, conflict, arrogance, and helplessness (Wicks, 2010).  Additionally, “It is characterized by feelings of depersonalization, emotional exhaustion, and a lack of feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment, and it may result from prolonged work with emotionally challenging clients” (Barnett, Elman, Baker, & Shroener, 2007, p. 64).  The symptoms of burnout can progress gradually, when unresolved, through a variety of stages.  In particular, Wicks (2010) suggests that burnout progresses in three stages.  In the first stage, the symptom are inconsistent and with a lessened degree of severity. Symptoms include mental exhaustion, resentment towards family and coworkers, somatic complaints, as well as feeling overwhelmed and incapable of keeping up with the pace and requirements of activities. In the second stage, symptoms are prolonged and difficult to manage. Symptoms include feeling jaded with one’s work consistently, anhedonia, rigid concern for schedule that loses personal connection, loss of interest in professional development, and sporadic periods of persistent irritation, depression, and stress  that are unchanged by efforts to reduce stressors.  The third and most severe level of burnout occurs when distress is chronic and manifests as illness. Emphasizing the severity of the third level, Wicks (2010) writes, “Once the threshold of the third level has been crossed, the burnout is severe and remediation of the problem will likely take a good deal of time and effort. This is why preventive measures are essential” (p. 33).

Preventing and Managing Burnout

            With burnout threatening the functioning and well-being of helping professionals, the prevention and management of burnout become critical to preserving the vitality of the field.  The literature suggests that the prevention and management of burnout must occur on both a personal and organizational level (Soderfeldt, Soderfelt, & Warg, 1995).

Personal Level

            On the personal level, a helping professional can prevent themselves from burnout by disengaging from work, bolstering his or her social supports, and utilizing a self-care plan to renew one’s own sense of self.  An important component of preventing burnout, is for the helping professional to intentionally disconnect oneself from work and client problems. One social worker noted that as part of her self-care plan, she intentionally developed a ritual to disengage from her work. Each day as the social worker would take off her work badge and place it in her glove compartment; she would mentally imagine herself placing all of her work stress and client scenarios in the glove box as well. She would not allow herself to think about her work again, until she took her badge out of the glove box the next day (M. George, personal communication, April 6, 2009).  Figley (2002) explains this concept of disengagement, as a practitioner’s purposeful decision, “that he or she must “let go” of the thoughts, feelings, and sensations associated with the sessions with the client in order to live their own life” (p. 1438). 

            Additionally, it is critical that individuals in the helping profession have a well-developed social support system. Wicks (2010), expresses one of the greatest burnout deterrents and resilience builders, is the social support network. He states,

            Burnout is always around the corners when we don’t have people who are ready to           encourage us, see our gifts clearly and be there for us when our involvement with people,       their sometimes unrealistic demands, and our own crazy expectations for ourselves       threaten to pull us down (Wicks, 2010, p. 78). 

He goes on to recognize the importance of having a heterogeneous support system made up with four types of friends which include, the prophet, cheerleader, harasser, and guide. Each of these people, help the professional to develop different perspectives in life (Wicks, 2010).   By increasing the support system, the helping professional develops an identity separate from the therapist persona (Figley, 2002). 

             Perhaps one of the most widely emphasized practices to avoid burnout is the utilization of a self-care plan.  In order to fully commit to self-care, it is recommended that a self-care plan be written, public, specific and measureable. An individual should set deadlines and attainable goals within the self-care plan and practice frequent monitoring of progress (Greencross Academy of Traumatology, 2010). The specific contents of the self-care plan will vary from person to person. When identifying activities to include in a self-care plan, it is critical for the helping professional to think, what activities energize and replenish me? (Wicks, 2010).

                     However, the plan should include activities to care for both one’s physical and psychological well-being.  For example, physical self-care activities should include quality sleep, nutrition, exercise, and leisure activities and psychological self-care activities could include planning time for laughter, evaluation of values, discernment of control, self-appreciation, balanced involvement, support group participation, spontaneous acts of creativity, and positive self-talk (Wicks, 2010). More specifically, Van Hook & Rothenberg (2009), found among a recent study of child welfare workers, common strategies for dealing with work-related stress include; exercise, work breaks/leaving work early, quality family time, hobbies, music, religious activities, conversations with co-workers, reading, and watching TV or movies.           Additionally, one can monitor his or her pace throughout the day, contemplating what he or she is doing and how fast they are doing it (Jones, 2001). During an interview with a current therapist in the field, she stated that her self-care plan involves regular quiet time, planning events to look forward to (besides vacation), time with friends, and walks after work.  She went on to emphasize the importance of self-awareness, and a clinician’s ability to recognize his or her own symptoms of burnout and especially pay attention to self-care when these symptoms begin, to avoid spiraling downward. This may include seeking outside assistance, as well (R. Elliott, personal communication, April 4, 2011).

Organizational Level

            The work to prevent burnout can also go beyond the individual, and become an initiative within the agencies and organizations that employ helping professionals.   In a survey of social work professionals, many suggested the best ways for organization to aid the fight against burnout are to, “reduce caseloads, implement less red tape, increase staff, increase support from the administration, and offer incentives” (Van hook and Rothenberg, 2009).   Furthermore, organizations can aim to clarify social workers roles, increase initiatives to promote social work safety, provide adequate training, offer scheduling flexibility, and increase job security (Soderfeldt, Seoderfeldt, & Warg, 1995). Because helping professionals experience psychosocial stressors beyond the work environment in addition to work-related stress, employee assistance programs can be an additional resource to provide workers with counseling to address concerns prior to evaluating to the highest stages of burnout (Cooper & Cartwright, 1998).

Individualized Self-Care Plan

            Self-care means more than eating a balanced diet and regularly visiting the doctor. Self-    care means living the life God has intended for you.  You are God’s own creation. Your        task is to be yourself, the person God has called you to be.  This includes creating a  vision for your life and then crafting a life that honors that vision.  It includes caring for  your body, mind, spirit, and the resources God has given to you. Caring for yourself means that in the next life, you will be able to say to God, “I was very much myself, your own creation (Melander &  Eppley, 2002, p. XII).

Self-Care Plan of Action

            The importance of self-care has never felt more relevant than now, as I approach graduating.  I feel the development of a self-care plan is critical; to actively work at preventing burnout before it starts.   My burnout plan must be tailored to the particular ways in which God intricately designed me.  This means delving into an honest self-evaluation of what in life rejuvenates and depletes my energy resources.  Also, it is critical for me not to allow myself to think of self-care as an option, but rather a necessity for surviving and thriving in my work.

            While I enjoy spending time with people, I also need balance with alone time. Since I hope to work in a clinical setting, where I will be working with the emotional needs of others, I must be aware that this has the potential to drain me of my energy.  Thus, on exceptionally draining days, I may need to spend some time alone in reflection listening to music or journaling. I must be able to set boundaries with those around me, and let them know that I need a specific period of time (1 hour), without the demands of reacting to his or her emotional needs.

            In the past, running has been a great source of energy for me.  In particular, I do best with running when I have a goal to accomplish. Thus, it might be helpful for me to schedule to run a half-marathon and find a friend to run the race with me.  That way, I have the accountability of a friend to keep up with my running and the pressure of needing to be ready for race day will also keep me from neglecting my running schedule.   Also, by scheduling a race in a fun location, it will give me something to look forward to.  It may also be important to switch things up every now and then with other forms of exercise such as swimming, tennis, a spinning class, or hiking.   Additionally, finding other hobbies will be an important piece too.  I have always wanted to take a painting class. Trying new activities is exciting and keeps things from getting monotonous.  Being intentional about trying something new each week will be helpful for me. I love the excitement of a new adventure. This could be as simple as trying a new recipe for the week, taking a new path for my morning run, or starting a new book.

            Additionally, faith and spirituality are important pieces for my self-care. Spending daily time in scripture and prayer has been a way for me to rejuvenate before and after a long day. In the beginning of the day, starting with prayer and asking the Lord for guidance with my clients, will help me to start my day focused on purposeful interactions. I often journal a “Letter to god” each night, laying before Him my fears, frustrations, hopes, prayer requests and dreams. Even after a busy day, simply laying out under the stars or spending time outdoors in the sunshine, I feel reenergized by God’s creation. 

            At the same time, it is important for me to develop strong social supports within and outside of work.   As I look for a social work job, it will be critical for me to find out the type of supervision provided.  I know that I work best with a supportive supervisor, whom I feel comfortable asking for help. Socially, this will also include involvement in a small group at church, spending time with friends and family, and simply calling friends to catch up.  By having a wide range of friends and supports from many areas, I can draw on different friends for support when needed.

             Also, I am energized when I am volunteering my time for an organization that I am passionate about.  Depending on my work schedule, this may mean that I lead a small group for youth at my church or volunteer at the local homeless shelter. As I am a therapist, I get paid for my work. While that is not the only reason I do what I do, it is helpful to help others not as my job, but because it is something that I genuinely want to do without the time restraints of work.

             I recognize that I tend to be a very task oriented person. I find crossing an item off of my to-do list, exceptionally empowering.  As a therapist though, we are working with people. People are never done growing. There is always more work that can be done.  Thus, there is never really an end to our work. Of course there are goals for the client, but these take lengths of time and largely depend on the client to work towards them.  Thus, it will be important for me to incorporate tasks that I can successfully complete in a given day. For example, it may be as simple as getting my laundry done.  This is a task with an end.  While it something simple, each day I need to feel like I have accomplished something.  This is especially critical when I feel overwhelmed by the “never ending” demands of work.  And after I complete these items on my “to-do” list, I can check them off and know that they are done for the week.

Personal Identifiers of Impending Burnout & Measures of Self-Reflection

            Acknowledging the signs and symptoms of stress will be critical for me, to make sure that I take extra care during these times to avoid going to a point beyond repair.  I recognize myself being stressed, when small tasks begin to feel overwhelming and I start cutting out social activities or feel uninterested in the activities that I once enjoyed. I should also acknowledge when I am feeling overly anxious, frustrated, and negative. I know that I have too much stress, when I stop dreaming about the future or lose hope. During these times, I will need to seek others for support and acknowledge that these symptoms are my body’s cry for restoration and action. Hopefully, through self-care, these symptoms will be rare and manageable.   

            In order to keep myself from experiencing these symptoms,  asking myself the following questions can be an important skill in knowing when changes need to be made in my level of self-care. For example, I can ask myself using the following measures:

·         How am I feeling emotionally? Emotion: ________________                     

 Scale of Emotional Intensity (1 a little bit -10 intensely)___________

·         What was one way I saw God in this day? What could God be teaching me out of my experiences today?

·         How did I take care of myself physically today? Emotional? Socially? Spiritually?

·         What did I do well today?  What could I improve?  What actions can I take to make this improvement?

·         How well did I do with following through on previous attempts at improvement? What are my barriers to greater self-care? How can I confront these barriers?

If  find myself neglecting self-care through my assessment, these tools will help me critically evaluate the steps to get back on track. The biggest trick will be to not just think about making changes, but actually taking action and initiative before burnout is beyond repair.  A proactive approach, is always far better than a reactive plan.

Conclusion

            As the literature suggests, awareness of the symptoms, management and prevention of burnout are critical steps in protecting a helping professional’s well-being.  My self-care plan is a reflection of my developing self-awareness of the person God created me to be. It is my hope that as I learn to accept my limits and embrace self-care, I will be better suited to reflect the character of God to my clients and respond to His call in my life.  Inevitably, when a helping professionals models their own self-care and boundaries, they liberate their clients to do the same.  Scripture states, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well” (Psalm 139:14, New International Version).  As I embrace this truth, I will respond to God with thanks and praise, by preserving the helping professional he designed me to be, through acts of self-care. 

References

Barnett, J.E., Elman, N.S., Baker, E.K., & Shroener, G.R. (2007). In pursuit of wellness: The        self-care imperative. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 38, 603-612.

Burnout. (n.d.). In Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary (11^th ed.). Retrieved from             http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/burnout

Cooper, C. & Cartwright, S. (1998). Summary of generic prevention and control strategies. In J.   Stellman (Ed.), Encyclopedia of occupational health and safety (pp.34-36).

Figley, C.R. (2002). Compassion fatigue: Psychotherapists’ chronic lack of self care. Psychotherapy in Practice, 58, 1433-1441. doi: 10.1002/jclp.10090

Greencross Academy of Traumatology. (2010). Standards of self care. Retrieved from http://www.greencross.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=184&Itemid=124

Jones, K.B. (2001). Rest in the storm: Self-care strategies for clergy and other caregivers. Valley Forge, PA: Judson Press.

Keller, P.A., & Ritt, L. (Eds.). (1984). Innovations in clinical practice: A source book, Vol. 3 (pp.223).  Sarasota, FL: Professional Resource Exchange.

Mellander, R. & Eppley, H. (2002). The spiritual leader’s guide to self-care. Washington, D.C.: The Alban Institute

National Association of Social Workers. (1997). Code of Ethics. Washington, D.C.: NASW.

Peebles-Wilkins, W. (2008). Professional impairment. In T. Mizrahi & L.E. Davis (Ed.), Encyclopedia of social work. Retrieved from http://www.oxford-naswsocialwork.com/entry?entry=t203.e30

Soderfeldt, M., Soderfeldt, B., & Warg, L. (1995). Burnout in Social Work. Social Work, 40(5), 638-46.

Van Hook, M.P., & Rothenberg, M. (2009). Quality of life and compassion satisfaction/fatigue and burnout in child welfare workers: A Study of the child welfare workers in community based care organizations.  Social Work & Christianity, 36, 36-54.

Weinstein, J. (2008).  Working with loss, death and bereavement: A guide for social workers. Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE Publication Ltd.

Wharton, T. C. (2008, winter). Compassion fatigue: Being an ethical social worker.  The New Social Worker, 15(1). Retrieved from http://www.socialworker.com

Wicks, R.J. (2010). Bounce: Living the resilient life. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

            I feel like I have actually truly followed my burnout prevention plan. But, I think the one area that I am  learning more now that I am in the field, is that as much as I can try to prevent burnout, my efforts are futile if I am not letting God carry the load and burden. He is the one who meets me in those moments where I don't know where the energy will come from.  He is the one who motivates me with His love and His eyes for others.  I cannot prevent burnout on my own, but luckily I have a God who gently walks with me and carries the load that I can't carry alone.

Baggage Claim: Dropping your luggage at the feet of the King

Infiltrating my apartment the last few weeks (besides the sticky humidity) has been the peppy beat of one of my favorite singers, Dara MacLean:

How can you move when they’re weighing you down
What can you do when you’re tied to the ground, yeah
You carry your burdens, heavy like gravity
Just let them go now, there’s freedom in release

You can’t run when you’re holding suitcases
It’s a new day throw away your mistakes and open up your heart
Lay down your guard, you don’t have to be afraid

Just breathe, your load can be lifted
There’s a better way when you know you’re forgiven
Open up your heart, lay down your guard
You don’t have to be afraid

Can you imagine what it’s like to be free
Well, send those bags packing, they’re not what you need
Abandon your troubles on the side of the street
Just let them go now, believe me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYMM3FYPv30

In the midst of this catchy tune, an all-too-necessary truth meets me face to face.  How often do we carry all of our baggage with us--totally weary and just longing for the day when we can just drop it at the luggage carousel of no return?  In the spirit of full disclosure, I know that I sure do! This song reminds me that Christ is constantly asking me to drop those bags and let him carry the load.  A lot of times, I know that my baggage of past experiences is not healthy or helpful in my life, but I live carrying it with me because I "know" my baggage. It's comfortable and almost a part of me because I have been carrying it for so long.  But what would it be like to be free??

As I self-reflect on my baggage---I carry around me a huge fear of failure.  This baggage weighs me down sometimes from fully taking the leaps of faith that the Lord places right before me.  Like a Mary-Poppins bag---my luggage is bulging with so many miscellaneous items. However, my bags are filled with the lies that say, "If you fail--if this is not a success--YOU are a failure."   It's even filled with  prideful lies that make me believe that if I see success in my life, it's because of me and something I've done right.  But I love how God continues to pursue my anxious, prideful  heart and take my over-filled, weighty luggage and refill it with the truths that somehow make the load so much more bearable.

Just the other day, I was reading in my study of Isaiah Chapter 41, where it says (vs. 9-10)  "You whom I took from the ends of the earth, and called from its farthest corners, saying to you, "You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off"; fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Let me tell you, God has really been  whispering into my heart with that scripture right to where I am in life. He has definitely surprised me beyond belief with the way different opportunities have grown beyond what I ever imagined.  There are opportunities for me to take credit for a lot of hard work that I've put into my work.  But at the end, it's my prayer that I would never be fooled by my baggage of insecurities that tempt me to take the credit for this success.  It's only because God is with me, and He strengthens me, and He helps me, and He upholds me with His righteous hand that I have been able to hurdle the stumbling blocks along the way on this journey.  I need to continually lay my bags at he feet of the Lord and take a sincere look at what's inside.  And I think as I do---I will find a freedom and joy (not completely free of struggle and strife) but full contentment and peace in who Christ is and who I am as a daughter of the King.

**Post was inspired by this youtube video!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrvJIznZKtU

Questions I'm pondering:
1.) What would it look life if we saw the baggage behind the behavior and spoke into the lives of others out of the eyes of Christ?
2.) What baggage is the Lord asking you to let him carry?

Stumbling through Life---humbled by the chains

Lord God,

All I can do is take a deep breath in and exhale.  Today I write to simply expel the mulling of my mind somewhere else...anywhere else outside of this crazy brain of mine.

Last weekend at the conference I went to, I felt like a got a gift of a small glimpse of your vast heart--your heart for the hurting, the traumatized, the outcasts. Your heart to see restoration and hope in the darkest corners of the earth both here and abroad.  You've brought me to an awareness of human trafficking before. You melted my heart for that before. And I have always come away saying, "I want to do something." I dream up large scale plans of safe houses and doing great things. These things are not bad in an of themselves, but if I'm truly honest with myself...why do I want these things?  Am I motivated only with a need to satisfy my heart that cries out, "That's not fair."'  Am I really motivated by my selfish desire to be used in your story of making the broken whole again? The common theme of all of these motives is to benefit Me?

As I listened to the therapist from Exodus Cry speak about the tenderness and compassion you feel for each of the women and children trapped in these horrific circumstances, all that shone through is your goodness and humility. Lord, it is so easy for me to want to go and "save" individuals harbored by this type of pain.

But when I am truly and deeply honest, I think the reason the circumstances of these women compel me to want to do something is because I connect even in what may seem small or insignificant way with them. Their captivity may be extremely evident on the outside, but I have my own leashes and chains holding me captive, less visible on the inside. Their bondage may take the form of short skirts, skimpy tops, and high heel shoes--it may appear that they have chosen this life of bondage.  But who really ever chooses bondage?

Their bondage is packaged on the outside, just evident enough on the outside for others to judge and degrade them. But yet, you see the same bondage with a different wrapping clinging to my heart. The wrapping is getting tighter, trying to cut off the oxygen to my source of life--you! My bondage takes the form of trying to temper my loneliness with overindulging in whatever food I can get my hands on, in those moments of feeling too in touch with my emotions of loneliness.  The temporary relief from the reality of pain somehow seems worth it in that moment when I finish of the whole bag of popcorn...ALL BY MYSELF, in one sitting. And yet I get the blessing of hiding this bondage. I can keep it to myself and pretend like it does not exist. No one can see from the outside, and the cycle of my bondage perpetuates and grows.

And yet, why does my bondage seem so much less than the bondage these women face?  I am not demeaning their trauma and bondage by any means. It is intense, unreal, and unfathomable.  But what I am trying to get at is this......bondage takes many forms. We can classify it how ever we want...but the same characteristics exist with every form----a desire to be filled, a desire to be complete and a desire to numb ourselves from the reality of our humanness and our world with anything that gives a promise to get us to the next minute, next hour, next day, etc.

So when I begin to think about "saving" the vulnerable from bondage, maybe the first place I need to start is letting the only one who can truly save, humble me to take a look at my own chains of bondage. This unhealthy, emotion driven relationship with food I have had for so many years has been my fall back when things get rough. The anxiety is resolved by extreme self-discipline and control of food intake. The loneliness is resolved by excessive amounts of peanut butter and cookie dough. And each one makes me miss an opportunity to experience the fullness of your heart.

Lord, I want these women and children to be free. I want them to be quenched by the only water that can sustain.  But if I am ever going to be used by you, I have to understand and be humbled by the fact that I am NO different.  We (they and I) all have bondage, it's just packaged differently.

So, I commit to you not to try and "save" the world--because my efforts are futile anyway. It's so silly to even think that I have actually thought that I could change this massive issue.  But I do commit to action---to YOUR action.  I commit to pray for human trafficking and the specific locations a few blocks down where
forms of this atrocity could take place.  I commit to following the leading of your spirit to go through the doors that open. And last but not least, I commit to searching your word to really delve into your heart for this matter and seek refuge in you as the key to unlocking my own chains. And I fully believe that YOUR action has the power to abolish this atrocity from the world. It will be by YOUR strength and YOUR goodness, YOUR wisdom, YOUR faithfulness, and YOUR grace that I would have the privilege to see and be a part of the work that YOU are doing to bring restoration and hope, just like you did with the Isrealites.

Isaiah 16:3-5 is a great example of your heart, Lord
"Give Counsel; grant justice;
make your shade like night
at the height of noon;
shelter the outcasts;
do not reveal the fugitive;
let the outcasts of Moab
sojourn among you;
be shelter to them
from the destroyer,
When the oppressor is no more,
and destruction has ceased,
and he who tramples underfoot has vanished from the land,
then a throne will be established in steadfast love,
and on it will sit in faithfulness in the tent of David
One who judges and seeks justice and is swift to do righteousness.

Lord, this is my prayer. That as I engage with clients experiencing the trauma of being a vulnerable outcast in society, I pray that I would speak from a place of humbleness and as a person who just like them feels overwhelmed by the oppression and emotions of this world.  I pray that out of my brokenness and bondage, healing continues to happen, so much so that I can also speak into the hope that comes in your process of restoration and refinement.  I lay before you my fear of admitting that I experience loneliness--that the thought of having a Friday night without plans can send me to the cookie jar faster than a cheetah hunting down prey.

And Lord, I pray that I will embrace what you have to offer. I pray that I will embrace my desire to find someone here on Earth and not feel shamed by the cultural statements of "independence and self-dependency." But I will also hold onto the truth that no person on Earth will shield me from loneliness or emotions I would prefer not to experience.
Through faith that you will meet the desires of my heart, I openly pray for the man you have for me Lord. I pray that you lead and guide him into being a man of honor--a man steadfast in you.  Father, if there is one characteristic I pray for in a husband, it would be that his heart would mirror your heart for justice---your heart for the vulnerable--and your heart for restoration.

Father these are the honest and true words of my heart. Thanks for clasping them in your hands and continually giving me grace as I stumble through this life.

I love you!

Just as I am

Just as I am, without one plea,
but that thy blood was shed for me
and that Thou bidst me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Vintage. This word in its purist form means, "2. Characterized by excellence, maturity, and enduring appeal; classic." I think this adjective sums up the timeless hymn, "Just as I am" that has been echoing throughout my mind today. These age old words ring true today more than ever.

"Just as I am." Wow...these words are powerful. How often do we...do I...search for someone or something to accept us just the way we are? Someone who's love is not conditional, but someone who sees the deepest parts of who we are (the best and the worst) and loves us anyway. The person who can unravel our masks of perfection and "having it together" and encourage us that in our weakness it his He who is strong. We long for some security in knowing that we will not be left alone, because this love for me "just the way I am" is sturdy and indestructible.

If I'm honest, sometimes I find myself angry with God for the qualities in my personality that I don't care so much for. I work, I strive, and actually believe some days that if I just tried a little harder to be who I think God wants me to be and who I want to be---that I may actually get there. However, I think there are many flaws in my logic here. Essentially, by spending so much time trying to "become" who God wants me to be, I lose sight of the fact that I am already who he wants me to be. Nothing I can do will make him love me anymore or any less. Does he want me to grow? Absolutely. But will he love me when I don't achieve my goal of becoming a morning person, and hit the snooze button instead? Will he still love me in my moments of laziness and irresponsibility? YES!

In a world where we place so many conditions on other people to "earn" respect...to earn our trust...to earn our devotion, it's always refreshing to come back to that place of solace--where we don't have to "earn" anything. The gift is free--and it's already been paid in full. As I celebrate that free gift Christ has given me, I also want to learn to rejoice in who he has designed me to be. I want to crave that place and relationship with God, where he sees right through my exterior and straight to me heart. I will run to the place where "just as I am" is "more than enough".

I don't need to search for that someone or something to accept me the way that I am--because I am gently supported in the arms of the only unconditional giver of life and love--my heavenly father.

Lord,

I can't begin to thank you for loving me just as I am. How tiring it can be to not allow ourselves the same grace that you have given us already. I just pray that as I learn to further understand your unconditional love, it would become a natural outpouring of who I am. Thanks for loving every part of me---the good and the not so good.

Amen!