Lord God,
All I can do is take a deep breath in and exhale. Today I write to simply expel the mulling of my mind somewhere else...anywhere else outside of this crazy brain of mine.
Last weekend at the conference I went to, I felt like a got a gift of a small glimpse of your vast heart--your heart for the hurting, the traumatized, the outcasts. Your heart to see restoration and hope in the darkest corners of the earth both here and abroad. You've brought me to an awareness of human trafficking before. You melted my heart for that before. And I have always come away saying, "I want to do something." I dream up large scale plans of safe houses and doing great things. These things are not bad in an of themselves, but if I'm truly honest with myself...why do I want these things? Am I motivated only with a need to satisfy my heart that cries out, "That's not fair."' Am I really motivated by my selfish desire to be used in your story of making the broken whole again? The common theme of all of these motives is to benefit Me?
As I listened to the therapist from Exodus Cry speak about the tenderness and compassion you feel for each of the women and children trapped in these horrific circumstances, all that shone through is your goodness and humility. Lord, it is so easy for me to want to go and "save" individuals harbored by this type of pain.
But when I am truly and deeply honest, I think the reason the circumstances of these women compel me to want to do something is because I connect even in what may seem small or insignificant way with them. Their captivity may be extremely evident on the outside, but I have my own leashes and chains holding me captive, less visible on the inside. Their bondage may take the form of short skirts, skimpy tops, and high heel shoes--it may appear that they have chosen this life of bondage. But who really ever chooses bondage?
Their bondage is packaged on the outside, just evident enough on the outside for others to judge and degrade them. But yet, you see the same bondage with a different wrapping clinging to my heart. The wrapping is getting tighter, trying to cut off the oxygen to my source of life--you! My bondage takes the form of trying to temper my loneliness with overindulging in whatever food I can get my hands on, in those moments of feeling too in touch with my emotions of loneliness. The temporary relief from the reality of pain somehow seems worth it in that moment when I finish of the whole bag of popcorn...ALL BY MYSELF, in one sitting. And yet I get the blessing of hiding this bondage. I can keep it to myself and pretend like it does not exist. No one can see from the outside, and the cycle of my bondage perpetuates and grows.
And yet, why does my bondage seem so much less than the bondage these women face? I am not demeaning their trauma and bondage by any means. It is intense, unreal, and unfathomable. But what I am trying to get at is this......bondage takes many forms. We can classify it how ever we want...but the same characteristics exist with every form----a desire to be filled, a desire to be complete and a desire to numb ourselves from the reality of our humanness and our world with anything that gives a promise to get us to the next minute, next hour, next day, etc.
So when I begin to think about "saving" the vulnerable from bondage, maybe the first place I need to start is letting the only one who can truly save, humble me to take a look at my own chains of bondage. This unhealthy, emotion driven relationship with food I have had for so many years has been my fall back when things get rough. The anxiety is resolved by extreme self-discipline and control of food intake. The loneliness is resolved by excessive amounts of peanut butter and cookie dough. And each one makes me miss an opportunity to experience the fullness of your heart.
Lord, I want these women and children to be free. I want them to be quenched by the only water that can sustain. But if I am ever going to be used by you, I have to understand and be humbled by the fact that I am NO different. We (they and I) all have bondage, it's just packaged differently.
So, I commit to you not to try and "save" the world--because my efforts are futile anyway. It's so silly to even think that I have actually thought that I could change this massive issue. But I do commit to action---to YOUR action. I commit to pray for human trafficking and the specific locations a few blocks down where
forms of this atrocity could take place. I commit to following the leading of your spirit to go through the doors that open. And last but not least, I commit to searching your word to really delve into your heart for this matter and seek refuge in you as the key to unlocking my own chains. And I fully believe that YOUR action has the power to abolish this atrocity from the world. It will be by YOUR strength and YOUR goodness, YOUR wisdom, YOUR faithfulness, and YOUR grace that I would have the privilege to see and be a part of the work that YOU are doing to bring restoration and hope, just like you did with the Isrealites.
Isaiah 16:3-5 is a great example of your heart, Lord
"Give Counsel; grant justice;
make your shade like night
at the height of noon;
shelter the outcasts;
do not reveal the fugitive;
let the outcasts of Moab
sojourn among you;
be shelter to them
from the destroyer,
When the oppressor is no more,
and destruction has ceased,
and he who tramples underfoot has vanished from the land,
then a throne will be established in steadfast love,
and on it will sit in faithfulness in the tent of David
One who judges and seeks justice and is swift to do righteousness.
Lord, this is my prayer. That as I engage with clients experiencing the trauma of being a vulnerable outcast in society, I pray that I would speak from a place of humbleness and as a person who just like them feels overwhelmed by the oppression and emotions of this world. I pray that out of my brokenness and bondage, healing continues to happen, so much so that I can also speak into the hope that comes in your process of restoration and refinement. I lay before you my fear of admitting that I experience loneliness--that the thought of having a Friday night without plans can send me to the cookie jar faster than a cheetah hunting down prey.
And Lord, I pray that I will embrace what you have to offer. I pray that I will embrace my desire to find someone here on Earth and not feel shamed by the cultural statements of "independence and self-dependency." But I will also hold onto the truth that no person on Earth will shield me from loneliness or emotions I would prefer not to experience.
Through faith that you will meet the desires of my heart, I openly pray for the man you have for me Lord. I pray that you lead and guide him into being a man of honor--a man steadfast in you. Father, if there is one characteristic I pray for in a husband, it would be that his heart would mirror your heart for justice---your heart for the vulnerable--and your heart for restoration.
Father these are the honest and true words of my heart. Thanks for clasping them in your hands and continually giving me grace as I stumble through this life.
I love you!
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