Coming out of Hibernation

It's been some time since I've last written.  The last few months have been a bit of a season of hibernation for me. This seems to happen at some point every winter. My heart begins to mimic the cold temperatures outside and I seek refuge in secluding myself from being seen in such a state.  I've tried to fight this urge to hibernate away, and yet it seems my heart needs it to be able to fully recover and re-engage in life with renewed vision and purpose.  It's as if in this funk, God shows me how desperate I truly am for Him--how much my life, fulfillment, and purpose can only be found in Him and Him alone.  But in these slumps, I often get into a wrestling match with God.  I hurl questions and accusations his way--questioning his goodness and plan for my life.  Throughout the fight, my selfishness is regurgitated back to the surface and exposed at its deepest roots. It's in these moments of exposure that my shame sends me to the corner of the boxing ring to hide.  But my relentless opponent shines the light on me. He encourages me to continue to provoke Him with questions, so that He can show me just how strong He truly is. He can love me in this state, even when I don't understand why.

And at some point, I have have to let my heart embrace GRACE. His GRACE is just too transforming to hide from. It is God's grace that kindles warmth and thaws out my cold and hardened heart. It's this GRACE that gently whispers---"The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:4-8

Today, I choose joy again.  I choose to let God permeate my everyday--to lead me places that sometimes, I'd rather not go--these places of the unknown, the places where the possibility of failure lurks, and the places I will learn how truly weak I am. But in these places, I pray that I would experience a known God in the unknown.  I pray that I would experience God's mercy, grace, hope, provision, and perfection in my failure. I pray that I would experience God's supernatural strength and resilience in the face of my own weakness. And ultimately--I pray that I would move forward with confidence and an unspeakable joy that cannot come from my own strength. I say joy--not happiness. Joy transcends circumstances-happiness depends on the right circumstances.

Lord, I may never fully understand why you've designed me with a tendency to hibernate at times. But I pray, that as I dig out of this frigid state--you would re-ignite the flame of joy in my heart. Don't let me continue to hide. Develop in me a heart that encourages people to draw closer to you. Infuse me with your genuine compassion and concern, discernment, and love for others. Show me how to truly rest in you, so that I don't burn out.

I surrender in this wrestling match. Even though we both know I never stood a chance--thanks for humoring me:)