Intentionally Sowing Seeds for Abundant Fruit...of the Spirit that is

In the early stages of my "Christian life", the topic of the holy spirit was mildly understood. I knew I had accepted the Lord at camp that summers day in seventh grade, but I had no idea the the power and need for the Holy Spirit on my spiritual journey. I did not realize that it is the Holy Spirit that would lead me in my times of reading scripture, prayer, and just seeking to know Jesus more. It is through the sending of the Holy Spirit that I can develop a relationship with Christ,which ultimately leads me to experiencing the fullness of God.

I don't believe that faith should just be about emotion. Even when we feel distant from God, he is just as much there as when we are on a spiritual high in our faith life. However, I can clearly identify several times in my life, that I truly feel that I was prompted by the holy spirit. Sometimes I answered this calling...and other times I denied or came up with excuses for God as to why I really shouldn't follow through. Needless to say, when I have followed through with this prompting of the holy spirit, I am not sure how the Lord used it, but I know through Faith I can believe that he was at work.

The other night, I had an experience that felt like it the hand prints of God written all over it. I had a random dream that I was in a field with tall grass, sitting on a log. Out of nowhere, the Lord spoke to me in the dream and told me to read 1st Thessalonians. All of a sudden a bible appeared in my hands and I instantly began reading. Then, I woke up. Now, I don't normally remember my dreams. It is a rare occurrence when this happens. Also, I have no idea where 1st Thessalonians came from...I don't remember this book of the bible coming up in the last few weeks. So anyway...as soon as I got up I grabbed my Bible and began reading. The verse below was the passage that really stood out to me (through the holy spirit I assume). Funny thing...later that afternoon I was cleaning my room and downloaded an old sermon from my church, picking from a whole list of options. Right in the middle of the sermon....plopped the verse below from 1st Thessalonians. I think my jaw hit the floor. Are you trying to tell me something Lord?

Anyway....I was challenge that it is the Holy Spirit in me, that will sow the seeds for the fruits of the spirit (Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Gentleness, & Self-Control). I really hope that God displays these fruits of the spirit through my character. For my own strength cannot produce this fruit, it has to come out of the fertile soil of Christ. As I seek out the Lord's will...I am challenged to find full contentment in Christ first....give Thanks to Him...and the rest will fall into place.

I am an adventurer at heart. So, I intentionally seeking out the thrill of something new. But what does it really mean to live intentionally for Christ each day? How can I continue to intentionally seek out spiritual growth, more than I do other adventures? I pray that I can continually seek to be intentional about seeking out God in the little things of my day--from the tickle of the sunshine on my forehead to the the crunch of green grass beneath my toes. He has made all things to bring us joy daily. I hope to intentionally be joyful always and celebrate the hand prints of God in each day.

And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil. May God, himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.

1st Thessalonians 5:14-24

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Psalm 51: 10-12

"The best things are nearest, breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of God just before you."

Robert Louis Stevenson

Loving this song this week:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYMM3FYPv30

Spring's Number One Fan

I think it's official. I just may be the BIGGEST fan of spring. This morning I got up and headed out for my first run since getting back to Lancaster. My oh my..am I outta shape:) I am so thankful that it was such a gorgeous day and the beautiful scenery will hopeful motivate me to get on a more consistent running schedule again.

I started on my usual path weaving past amish farms towards a neighborhood of gorgeous estates set back among ancient oaks and a rolling stream. Normally I would stick to this path. But today, I decided to go down a road that I had no idea where it would end up. To my surprise the further I got, the more beautiful the scenery became. There were archways blanketed with lilac that permeated the air with incredible aromas. It was simply beautiful and I could not help but praise the Lord for his gorgeous creation.

It's kind of ironic though. The new road on my running path was quite synonymous to my life. You see, sometimes I fear the unknown. I stick to my current path of life because it is comfortable. It is easy and predictable. I know the bends in the road on this path like the back of my hand. I could run it in my sleep. While there is nothing wrong with running on the comfortable path, when we are open to a new path it can result in an adventure far better and beautiful than the what we could even imagine on the comfortable path. I may not know the new path so well, so I will probably trip on my feet and stumble along the unknown on this path. The journey is largely about the end destination, but it takes appreciating both the hills and the valleys--stumbles and falls--perseverance, endurance and discipline to truly appreciate the end.

So how does this apply, you may be saying? I am excitedly preparing, praying, and waiting for the next path God has for me. Right now I am overwhelmed by the wealth of social work opportunities out there. An MSW opens the door to a wide variety of options.

But now I have some decisions to make. I can stay on the comfortable path and just apply to jobs here in Lancaster. That would be comfortable and safe. It would not be wrong by any means and I have full belief that God can be at work in me here. But, what if an opportunity arises to go off my comfortable path, and somewhere less comfortable? It may just lead to a path far more beautiful than I can imagine! So maybe this means sending out applications outside the general Lancaster area, and just providing a space for doors to open, should it be the Lords will.

Anywho..I just think it is funny how God uses these simple little things in my day to point back to Him. His ultimate hand will be with me, whatever path I take. When I get distracted and led off course by other things, he will ultimately always be waiting with open arms on the right path. When he is acting as a traffic guide..trying to point me in the right direction, and I spit in his face and go the other way, He will smile and say," It hurts me that you chose that way, but I will always love you. You are never too far off the path to get back on." He will be cheering me on from the sidelines and waiting at the finish. What a faithful and loving God we have who just desires for us to know Him through a relationship with his son.

For my 3 readers out there:)....if you have a free minute, please pray. Please pray that a job opportunity would come along that I am passionate about! I pray that this job would combine my gifts in a way that I can really serve the LORD each day.

I just praise the Lord for giving me a sense of peace, patience, and contentment as I wait for the right job.

**Please let me know how I can be praying for you too, friends. I would love to lift you up in prayer)

Welp....gotta get back to unpacking. How did I acquire all this stuff?? A summer yard sale is definitely in order!!

Have a super day!

The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.- Proverbs 16:9

Just call me Jeremiah

3 Days!!! I can hardly believe that graduation is coming up on Saturday. My time in Rochester has been quite the wild ride. I feel so blessed to have had this opportunity and will miss plenty of people and experiences which have continued to help me grow towards Christ (although I must admit I will not miss Rochester winters). However, the Lord is really working in my heart and pumping me up for the next phase of our adventure together. Destination.....Lancaster, PA (a commonwealth/not a state:)...AKA...amish paradise, the 717, or LancLanc.

A few nights ago, I had chai tea too late in the night (You would think I would have learned by now that it is not a good idea)...which resulted in a crazy amount of energy at 3 am. Since my eyelids just wouldn't allow me to fade into a pleasant slumber, I resorted to the next best thing. Actually, THE best thing. I grabbed my bible and headed out on the deck, basking in the glow of the stars!

I've been wanting to read through the book of Jeremiah and really delve in. So, I started that night.

Oh my goodness...God is so good and knows what I needed the most. Over the past few months, I have felt like Jeremiah-- Not doubting God's existence, but doubting his sovereignty and ability to use a broken nobody like me or even love my brokeness. I needed to be able to hope and dream about the future again and be able to trust in his purposeful design. So, the Lord leads me to Jeremiah 1, where I read about how the Lord came to Jeremiah with a pretty serious calling. And as I read about Jeremiah and his spiritual mountains and deserts, I found comfort that even the people God calls to do great things go through the deserts from time to time. I was reading an online bible study(http://www.easyenglish.info/problems/tpaou10-pbw.htm) on Jeremiah that just really put things into perspective:

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"So, we see that other people in the Bible had doubts. Jeremiah was not the only one. Many people think that Jeremiah is special. They think that he was the greatest *prophet in the Old Testament (the first part of the Bible). His messages had special value in two ways. First, he understood how very great God is. His messages to the people show this.

Then there is his personal life of prayer. The passages about this have a name. They are ‘The Confessions of Jeremiah’ (what he confessed). These passages need special study. They are: Jeremiah 11:18-23; 12:1-6; 15:10-21; 17:9-10, 14-18; 18:18-23 and 20:7-18. Here, he is not standing in front of the people.

No, he is on his knees in front of God. He is crying out to God in awful pain and despair. He cannot understand his suffering. His messages are a failure. Then, worst of all, God himself does not seem to care about him. In these passages, Jeremiah seems very real. They show a loyal man of God. He was in a powerful struggle with his enemies. There were enemies both inside and outside himself. When he had talked with God, he could speak to the people. He could give strong messages from God, without fear.

God called him to a very difficult task. He had a hard message to give. He had to declare it very clearly. He must tell his people that punishment would come soon (1:14-17). He realised just how awful that punishment would be. This was because of his type of character. Things affected him very much. He also had a strong imagination. (Read 4:19-31.) He saw clearly things that were going to happen soon. It was just as if he was reporting events as they happened.

The *prophet’s message was not popular. The society that he gave it to was content. The people were happy with things as they were. They felt that their religion made them safe. This made his task much harder.

There were many false *prophets at that time. The people liked them. The false *prophets said that there was nothing wrong. So there was no reason for the people to be anxious. (Read Jeremiah 5:11-14, 30-31 and 6:13-14.) God’s people tried to make themselves feel better too. The ceremonies of their religion made them feel safe. They did not understand an important fact. It is this. If there is no true love for God, ceremonies have no meaning.

H. L. Ellison is a writer. He wrote a book about the *prophets. Its title is: ‘Men Spoke from God’. He shows how much the people were trusting in things. They trusted in:

· the *Temple (Jeremiah 7:1-4)

· *sacrifices (Jeremiah 7:21-22)

· the *Holy Box (Jeremiah 3:16)

· *circumcision (Jeremiah 9:25, 26)

· the *Law (Jeremiah 8:8, 9. Read Exodus 20.)

All these things were very important. But something could make them of no use at all. It was a lack of love for God and other people (Jeremiah 7:5-6).

So, Jeremiah had a very hard task. He did not want to do it (1:6-8; 20:7-10). I have given a brief account of the nation’s *spiritual state. This makes it easier to understand the *prophet’s problems.

But we will now study one part of his trouble. Jeremiah had the problem of doubt.

1 Jeremiah suffered much pain and despair

He never doubted that God was real. But at times he seemed to doubt the *sovereignty of God. God had called him into his service. At times, he seemed to feel that God was unfair. It was unfair of God to call him into his service (20:7-8). He wished that he had never come into the world. This happened more than once (15:10; 20:14-18).

This shows that he did not understand how God rules over people. God’s rule involves practical things. It also has *spiritual importance. At times, Jeremiah had a glimpse of these great truths. One f these times is in 17:12. The *prophet speaks about God’s throne (king’s special chair).

Someone may doubt that God exists. Then something else has usually happened first. That person may have had other serious doubts. The doubts have been about what God is like. They may have been about how God acts. The person may have asked, ‘Why does this trouble happen to me?’ This is a natural question. But it can lead him to doubt God’s *sovereignty. He may ask if God is really ruling.

We must turn to the Bible for immediate help. It will stop doubt when it begins. If we fail to do this, the devil will use our lack of certainty. He will use it to take away all our certainties. We will doubt God’s *sovereignty. We will also even doubt that God exists. We begin with: ‘Perhaps God does not really care.’ We end with: ‘Perhaps God is not really there.’

So, we must put our confidence in God’s Word, the Bible. ‘Our *Lord God rules. He is All-Powerful.’ (Read Revelation 19:6.) Here is a wonderful fact. This fact does not change. It comforts us. It remains true whatever happens. It remains true whatever I feel like. God has not stopped being king. The events in my life are not just accidents. God rules! Things do not happen by chance.

We must notice something else.

2 Doubt is often not the only problem

We must be honest about this. Doubt often comes when we have let other matters control our lives. This means that we have lost our trust in God’s *sovereignty. So, the difficulties in life seem to be very great. Then we begin to doubt God’s love. We may even doubt that he exists.

This happened in Jeremiah’s life. At the beginning of his work for God, he was very brave. He accused the people of turning away from God. God was like ‘a supply of fresh water’ (2:13). Now, he is feeling full of despair. He cries to God. He says: ‘*Lord, I think that you have changed. You are like a supply of water that became dry. So it stopped’ (15:18). Maybe there were some serious weaknesses in the *prophet’s *spiritual life. These things would allow doubts to enter his mind. They would lead to a lack of certainty. ts to enter his mind. They would lead to a lack of certainty.

2.1 He felt disappointed

His work for God seemed to be a complete failure. (Read 7:25-28 and 13:15-17.) He would have been so happy if people had returned to the *Lord. But this did not happen.

There is an important lesson for us here. God may give us some work to do for him. We must be loyal and continue the work whatever happens. This is more important than success. When results are most important to us, we are in danger. We can stop wanting to bring honour to God. We can start trying to prove our own worth instead.

2.2 He felt bitter

This often follows on from disappointment. God has not worked in the way that we hoped or planned. Jeremiah felt like this (20:7-8).

2.3 He felt pity for himself

This was the next wrong thing. The *prophet felt very miserable. Nobody seemed to know or care about his feelings. He was very, very lonely. (Read 15:17-18; 16:2-9.) He suffered more stress than most of us will ever have. Perhaps this stress caused his character to become weaker.

It was a terrible time for the *prophet. But he went back to have true *faith in God. He realised that God could supply all his needs. His experience can help us. We may have doubts too. We might have a similar difficulty. There are things that we can do. The *prophet’s experience shows important truths. We will now study these.

Like Jeremiah, we must:

3 Allow God to examine and show us all parts of our lives

(Jeremiah 12:3; 15:19 and 17:9-10 are important here.) All Jeremiah’s thoughts were about the nation. He had no fear as he spoke about their lack of reality. He forgot that he must be completely sincere in his own life.

The *prophet was concentrating on the people’s ‘return’ to God. But God said to him: ‘If you return, then you can serve me’ (15:4). Jeremiah was full of pain and despair. God comes to him. He reminds the *prophet about his job. He must help people to change. He must not change and become like the people (15:19b).

We need something else too. We should be ready to:

4 Remember God’s great promises in the past

Read Jeremiah 15:20 with 1:18, 19.) God had spoken some great words to Jeremiah. He did this at the beginning of the *prophet’s work. Jeremiah’s job was going to be very hard. But God encouraged him. Later, Jeremiah had doubts. He was suffering very much. Then God spoke the same words to him again.

You may have forgotten a great promise of God. It helped you very much in the past. So, listen to the same Bible words again. Trust his great promises. He will give you strength and protection. Best of all, God himself will always be with you.

When we have doubts, we should do something else too. We should:

5 Trust God completely, whatever our feelings may be

(We may feel that God has gone away from us.) At first, this is a matter of discipline. Read Jeremiah 17:5-13. Here Jeremiah realises something. He sees that it is foolish to go to anyone else for help. Do not let your heart go away from the *Lord. This is how Jeremiah would say it. You might feel that God has left you. But he has not. Let your hope be in the *Lord (17:7). Your life may be hard. Then look to him (17:8). Trust in his promises. They do not change. (Read 1 Peter 1:4; Joshua 21:45; 23:14; 1 Kings 8:56 and Numbers 23:19.)

Then we must:

6 Recognise again the *sovereignty of God

(Read Jeremiah 17:12.) Perhaps your life is not what you wanted it to be. But what God wants is always best. Remember Romans 8:28. Something happens when we recognise his *sovereignty. We are sure about God again (17:13). Jeremiah had stopped believing and trusting God. Now he starts to trust God again. The *Lord really is like ‘a supply of fresh water’. (Read Jeremiah 15:18 and 2:13.) God is not like ‘the supply that became dry. So it stopped.’

When you have doubts, you must:

7 Continue to pray

You must do this even when you do not feel like it. You may not be sure that prayer is worthwhile. But you must still pray. This is the great thing about Jeremiah. Even at his worst times, he continued to pray. Sometimes it seemed that he only complained to God. But he continued to pray. Nothing stopped him. (Read Jeremiah 12:1-3; 15:15; 17:14 and 20:7-12.) Jeremiah prayed clearly and in an honest way.

Often, we are sad about our difficulties, problems and doubts. But we keep our feelings out of our prayers. Then these things become like a wall between us and God. Someone has said: ‘To deal with doubt you must let it get out!’

Believe that a better time will come. You will be able to believe God again. Until that time, prove the worth of the faith that you once had. We can all know that God will never leave us.

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I realize this is super long, but I have just been hanging on every word. God is so good!

So anyways...after talking one of my best gal pals from home and talking about my struggle with vulnerability and realness with others---she challenged me to not just talk about wanting to be vulnerable and real with others...but to do it. That was just the kick in the pants I needed. Thanks:) So......I have decided to share my Blog with others. The very thought scares me, but I suppose it can never hurt to let others in on the crazy world inside my brain. Enter with caution though...it is not for the faint of heart;)

and p.s.....Did God let my heart begin to dream again or what!

Everything from starting a cute cafe/ministry called Soup for the Soul that serves tasty soup....but a percentage of the bill is donated to the local soup kitchen to opening a ministry center for teen girls with eating disorders.

While I know these may just simply be dreams...they excited me and allow me to be passionate about God again. Perhaps my journey will look quite different...but the Lord still tells me the same thing he tells Jeremiah:

"Do not say, 'I am only a child. You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord. The the Lord reached out out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now I have put my owrds in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant."

Jeremiah 1:7-10

So as I wrap thing up here in Rochester.........I will expectantly wait for the Lord to surprise me with future adventures with Him that I cannot yet begin to imagine. And the exciting thing is...this adventure is not just for me...but for everyone and anyone who is willing to step out in faith and say...I love you Lord...I trust you Lord...I know you died and paid the ultimate penalty for me....and I know I need you. And when we acknowledge this...he says.."You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Beginning to Believe Again

This morning, I got up early on an early morning run with a friend along the canal. I was so renewed as we ran, prayed, and encouraged one another. These runs along the canal and the fellowship with friends along the way will be some of what I miss most about Rochester when I leave. I hope that I can find this again when I move back to Lancaster!

Before I came to Rochester, I felt confident that the Lord had some major reason for me to move here. In the beginning, the Lord was really showing me the woman I truly was and the woman I desired to be for HIM. Somewhere along the way, I had lost that hope and confidence. I felt like maybe I had just fulled myself. Maybe it was all just wishful thinking.

But today...as I heard this song pop up on Pandora, by Ginny Owens, I was reminded that even if this journey wasn't quite how I had planned, there were A LOT of lessons learned. I am once again believing that God had a purpose for my Rochester experience, if only to grow in greater understanding of my need for HIM!!! I want to live a life the honors and glorifies him....but I want it to all be a result of Him and not my own efforts. It's exciting to know that my life journey is only beginning and the next year will hold a lot of "newness" and time requiring lots of patience and endurance. I am ready for my next adventure with God. I am so excited to be dreaming again about all that God is capable of and I am thrilled to see what passions he places upon my heart in the next year. Fresh starts are always an opportunity for God to work in unimaginable ways:)

If you want me to

Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I dont know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to

CHORUS:
Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

Rereading the book Captivating the other night. I came across this section and just thought that it was just what God has been speaking into my life.

"God wants to live this life together with you, to share in your days and decisions, your desires and disappointments. He wants intimacy with you in the midst of the madness and mundane, the meetings and memos, the laundry and lists, the carpools and conversations and projects and pain. He wants to pour his love into your heart and he longs to have you pour your into his. He wants your deep heart, that center place within that is the trues you. He is not interested in intimacy with the woman you think you are supposed to be. He wants intimacy with the real you." (p.121)

Oh my goodness... Lord...that struck me in the deepest corners of my heart. I am constantly trying to come before you acting like the woman I think you want me to be. I am not real with you. Even though you know me better than I know myself...I have this unconscious belief that if I pretend and hide, you will love me. But you really want to know me. To know my deepest fears, insecurities, short comings. You want me to speak to you as a best friend, confidant, and father.

Why am I so afraid of the person you have created me to be? You have purpose for my life. I want to adventure with you and I want to captivate you Lord. Please be with me on this journey.

Vulnerability

vul·ner·a·ble: a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

guard·ed: 3. Cautious; restrained

Emotions we have not poured out in the safe hands of God can turn into feelings of hopelessness and depression. God is safe. ~Beth Moore

Oh vulnerability...who knew you would be such a challenge for me. Over the last several months it has come to my attention how difficulty is for me to let my guard down. It is hard for me to let people in, to let them see my hurt, pain, and struggles. It's as if I have this constant need to hide the person God has made me ...good,bad, and ugly.

Maybe my struggle to be vulnerable with others is related to my inability to do the same with God. Maybe I hold things back from him out of shame. I want transformation.....I want to be made new.....but I have to let God do it from the inside out...and it will take time. Wounds of the heart can open quickly....but they take time to heal. I have to be patient with God and with myself..even though my impatient heart is crying out for it now!

I was watching the Beth Moore Video...the healing heart...and I just felt encouraged to once again lay it all before the Lord. But she states that we cannot just let God heal at the surface level, we have to let him heal to the deepest roots of our pain, shame, guilt, and sin. Otherwise, the hurt will continue to resurface at the utter scratch of the wound in the future. It sounds so good and perfect....but I'll be honest...it's hard for me to imagine what it would look like for these wounds I have been carrying to be fully healed. I feel like the same wounds that I think have been healed...fester and explode.

Lord...Show me how to open up....teach me how to love. I am not sure right now if I truly know what it means to love. And maybe that is because I am not allowing God's love to heal this broken heart. I am trying to "will it". But Lord...I give it up to you AGAIN.....and I pray for the deepest healing and transformation I have yet to see. The next few months hold a lot of unknowns.....but I still trust with a weary heart that you have something bigger in store.

Choosing Joy by Faith

For this week, I chose the spiritual discipline of devotional reading. Specifically, exercise #1. This exercise focuses on Mark 10:46-52, the story of the healing of the blind man, Bartimaeus. As I read the verses aloud, several words and verses jumped out to me. Specifically, "Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you." and "Your faith has healed you."

In the second part, you were to imagine yourself in the story. As I imagined myself at the scene of this great event, I experienced overwhelming amazement at the miracle presented before me. I was struck by the power of faith to heal Bartimaues. I imagined the crowd around me at the scene, chattering wildly trying to make sense of the miracle they had witnessed. And in that moment, I could feel a contagious spirit of a new found belief ignited in my heart and the hearts of those surrounding me. I imagined experiencing a deep sense of desire and calling to actively choose faith amidst undesirable circumstances, just like Bartimaeus.

For the third section, the exercise had the reader respond to the reading in an uncensored prayer of thoughts and requests, holding nothing back. I decided to write out my thoughts and prayers. My response was as follows:

Lord, I desire for faith like Bartimaues. I want to have the same expectant hope that prompts me to lay everything before you, fully expectant that by faith you will respond to my call and great need for you. I give you my past, present, and future and choose to have faith, even when circumstances cause me to doubt. Out of undesireable circumstances, you are capable of bringing healing, hope, and new ways of seeing. Open my eyes like Bartimaues, to see every person and situation through your lens.
Your disciples called out to Bartimaeus, "Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you." You are asking the same of me. You are asking me to put aside my anxieties, doubts, pain, confusion, and act out of faith. I will get off the ground, allow you to help me on my feet, and respond to your calling to renewed perspective. And as I choose to take action, I will expectantly wait to see you at work in small and big ways in the world around me.Just like Bartimaeus, Lord, I cry, "Rabbi, I want to see."
You are saying to me,"Audrey, it is all about choice." I can choose a lens of bitterness and resentment or I can choose to greet each day with hope in the potential each new day brings. I can choose to find joy in the simple things--the smile of a stranger, the smell of spring pending in the air, or the boisterous giggle of a friend. For it is all apart of your creation, uniquely designed to cater to the hearts of your children. You are calling me to have faith that when I seek you, I will find you. In the small decisions and the big decisions--you are there. Whether I choose this job or that job...you will be in each one, if I only have the faith to seek you. By faith, I must believe that you have purpose for my life. You can take each twist and turn of life and make it something beautiful. And as I choose to have faith and see things through your eyes, I am healed.
I will choose to follow you down the rest of this curvy road of life, grasping your hand for assurance that you will never loosen your grip on me--all the days of my life.Use me for your glory Lord, and lead me where you need me. I am ready to follow by faith.
Thanks for meeting me in this moment of scripture, Lord. It is so good to meet with you once again:)

The final section asked the reader to take God's word from the scripture with them the rest of the day. I was so surprised as I went throughout the day. Several times, I was tempted to get discouraged by negative thoughts. But in those moments, I remembered the words, "Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you." And in those moments, I immediately took hold of those negative thoughts, laid them before God, and chose joy instead. What a difference this has made in my day!


This week's experience has been so refreshing. I am overwhelmed with emotion, as I once again feel God's presence. I am coming to see that periods of life that feel like a dry, spiritual desert make the moments where we experience God's presence that much more vibrant and real. I am sure I will experience a spiritual desert again in my life, but I must cling to the faith that God will lead me through it once again. I believe the development of spiritual maturity sometimes requires us to dredge through the sand of the dessert, to get back to solid spiritual ground.The deserts are not easy or fun, but they are necessary and beneficial. I am coming away from this desert, made new. I am not who I was, but I am not yet who I will be. There is so much growing yet to be done.

Everything Rests on Hope Now

Lord,

Some days the words for prayer just won't come. Thanks for knowing my heart, even when I don't know how to put it into words. I will praise you in this storm, Lord. This pit seems like a black hole, with no light in sight. But I will cling to your promises, that I can be made new. I have to believe that I WILL be made new. Lord, make me into a new creation, help me to find joy in this time. I have tasted the joy of knowing you, and I pray that I will be able to bring you glory again in my life. Right now, I am filled with shame at this person I have become. What happened to my joy, Lord? Why can't I just choose to pick myself out of this? Today...I choose to hope. Even though today I feel I will not accomplish much...I will hope that you will motivate me to take one more step. One more step towards the goal. One more step towards you.

Revelations of God Through an Ordinary Day

Sometimes it seems when we are searching so hard to find God, we miss him. This week, it was through ordinary daily activities (readings for class and bible study) that God brought up a similar concept that has been convicting me, in these two arenas. It feels almost as if God had to really highlight these areas in my life to capture my attention.

In bible study, our group is working through the book of Romans. This week in chapter 2, we talked about the legalism of the pharisees and the underlying assumption of legalistic thinking that by "doing" we can achieve salvation, or favor from God. However, the scripture degrades this thinking pointing out that it is not simple the doing of works, but a, "matter of the heart, by the Spirit, and not by the letter." It is our mindset and motivation of love, that make our works and God-honoring acts of worship.

I would say that over the years, I at times lean so far on the side of legalism, that I strive for an unobtainable perfection. The things I do are motivated by the fear of "straying from the law" rather than motivated out of love.

It's funny to see how this is starting to align with theoretical models of social work practice that I have been studying. Cognitive theoretical perspective suggests that our actions are determined and dictated by our core beliefs and assumptions. In therapy, we aim to journey with our clients into the identification of these core beliefs and assumptions that can play into our emotions and actions. We work to identify and reconstruct maladaptive beliefs, which in turn impacts a shift emotional regulation. Through Romans, I am seeing Pauls version of cognitive therapy. He is helping the pharisees identify these maladaptive thought patterns, that are motivating and driving their actions. And in the end, it is the core motivator and belief of love that resolves their thinking paradigm into something constructive and God-honoring.

In my Christan Social Work and Theology class, we have an assignment weekly to engage in different forms of spiritual disciplines. We had a discussion about the challenge of mandating spiritual practices. What is our motivation? Is it just for class or is it motivated by a genuine desire to create a space to meet God? I can honestly say, that I am excited to see where God leads through these spiritual disciplines. I long to connect with him and learn more about his character through this time. And I think through learning more about God's character, my motivations will hopefully become saturated with a focus and love and less on "achieving" love and acceptance from God. And if my thought paradigm shifts away from striving to achieve God's love, this conviction will outpour in my daily life and actions. I hope that I will demonstrate a peace and acceptance that reflects the the Grace God provides for me unconditionally--no strings attached.

I don't know if my random pondering makes sense, but I think the bottom line is that God is at work in me. He continues to pursue me by demonstrating my never-ending need to repent and accept his grace. For me, a change from my "pharisee" ways is to be more real about my struggles. I'm realizing, sometimes I would put up a front as if I have it all together, when deep inside I am a struggling sinner just like everyone else. I want to be able to share with my brothers and sisters in Christ my own struggles, and not condemn, but journey with them through their own struggles.

This song just epitomizes my journey with God the last several months!

Jimmy Needham--Yours to Take

This is my second chance
This is no song and dance
You came in and renewed a right spirit
This is grace at its best
This is taking a restless, messed up heart and having you clear it

I can feel the weight is lifting
I'm barely staying on the ground
And I can feel the wait is over
Finally the lost is found

[Chorus]
So, this is what it feels like to live life
So, this is breathing air for the very first time
The Son of man, He came here to give life
And in return He asking for mine
I've Been captured by grace
I'm not going away
I'm Yours to take

I was down for the count
I was *all* but knocked out
When I heard pardon for the interruption
Then like out of blue
Out came glorious You

You picked me up without barely any introduction
You won my heart by a landslide
You tend to do that every time
So, everything I have is Yours now
Even my very life

So, this is what it feels like to live life
So, this is breathing air for the very first time
The Son of man, He came here to give life
And in return He asking for mine,well
I've Been captured by grace
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
I'm not going away
I'm Yours to take

Your kindness leads me to repentance
Leads me to the cross, which leads me to forgiveness
So, I'm counting it all as loss


So, this is what it feels like to live life
So, this is breathing air for the very first time
The Son of man, He came here to give life
And in return He asking for mine

So, this is what it feels like to live life
So, this is breathing air for the very first time
The Son of man, He came here to give life
And in return He asking for mine
I've been captured by grace
I'm not going away
I'm Yours to take

So, this is what it feels like to live life (I'm Yours to take)
So, this is what it feels like to live life (I'm Yours to take)
So, this is what it feels like to live life (I'm Yours to take)
So, this is what it feels like to live life (I'm Yours to take)

Marinating in God's Faithfulness

Oh man, has it been a while! So much has happened since September. New friendships, new adventures, new internship, new semester--everything was brand-spanking new. Needless to say, my time was preoccupied with adjusting to this newness and trying to embrace each moment.

Now, a few months later, some of the newness has worn off. I am back in Rochester for my FINAL semester, and equipping myself for the final push to the end of this Grad School Chapter of my life. Specifically, over the past few weeks as I have prayed for God to give me clarity in decision making in several areas of my life, I have been overwhelmed by how he not only gave me wisdom on the situations but taught me more about my insecurities and my need for further dependence on him. Too often, I am finding that I feel this overwhelming burden of being, "too much" and "not enough" all at the same time. As I enter into relationships, I am driven in the way I relate to others out of this fear of being "too needy" or "too independent". I desire to be a balanced woman between these two extremes. Independent enough to be confident and trusting in God's timing and plan for my life, be not too independent that I am unable to take risks in vulnerability and realness with others.

I am sure a balance exists. And right now in my times with God, I will marinate in his faithfulness expectant that as I seek Him more closely each day, I will slowly unlock these shackles that bind me. I chose the word marinate, because it is just such a clear mental picture that helps me fully embrace God's faithfulness. When we marinate meat, we take something dead and lifeless, and saturate it in zest, spice, and goodness to produce something tantalizing and tender. It takes time to soak it all in, and it is a process--but the end result is well worth the wait.

I am the same way. I am dead and lifeless with the sin and bondage that are present in my life. But when I absorb the truth of God and his faithfulness, I am infused with renewed perspective. And it is a lifelong process. I have missed a few ingredients in my marination along the way the last few months, and as a result have perhaps not always glorified God in my words, motivations, and actions. But God's grace and faithfulness are my hope in this process. When I come to him with the shame of an uneatable product, he refines the recipe to create something fresh and new. (An ironic metaphor, since some of my most recent recipes have not turned out so well..just ask my family:) What a blessing to have hope in forgiveness and fresh starts!

His word tells me:

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control

(2 Timothy 1:7).

Perhaps, God is calling me to stop trying so hard to "be balanced"...and just allow the presence of his spirit to guide me towards acceptance of his unconditional love, which ignites a natural outpouring of contentment and fulfillment in Him. As a result, this will pour over into my relationships.

I am so thankful for each person, relationship, and situation (whether challenging or exhilarating) that have helped me come to this point of refocus. While the lull before the new semester allows me more time to process the last few months, I hope to carry what I have learned into action over the next several months. This is a new semester of refinement for me!

Objective: To become the God-honoring woman God desires me to be, and give him glory in this process of refinement.

Goals For the Next Semester

1.) Focus on Creating God Honoring Friendships

2.) Encourage others rather than tear them down in my speech

3.) Expectantly embrace the future of the unknown ahead of me with eagerness:)

4.) Enjoy the journey...including both sunshine and storms along the way!

5.) Remember and accept God's unconditional love, no matter my emotional state or circumstances

6.) Be more real and vulnerable with others

7.) Create dialogue that fuels discussion about God, faith, and our daily life journeys with people God places in my life.

7.) Take more risks

8.) Try new Things

9.) Accept the things I cannot change

10.) Laugh A Lot along the way!

If anyone who knows me reads this. Please keep me accountable:)

Thanks Friends!

And even when the trees have just surrendered To the harvest time Forfeiting their leaves in late September And sending us inside Still I notice You when change begins And I am braced for colder winds I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
-Nichole Nordeman

Lord,

I love the lyrics of Nichole Nordeman's song. Lord, as I brace for new things to come this semester, I just want to thank you for the season of life this summer has been for me. You have been at work in me. I have no doubt that you will continue to work in me. In this next season, show me how to love more deeply and with less self-centerdeness. I pray for your guidance as I try to balance the demands of school, internship, social life, church, and work. Although I may not be able to fully dedicate myself to a specific mission organization right now, I pray that wherever I go--I will be part of your mission field. I pray for intentionality in relationships with others and just that out these natural relationships--you would be evident in me and spring up conversation that brings you glory and honor.

I don't want to live the status quo. I want to live with meaning and purpose, Lord. I know that sometimes difficult things will happen. I just pray that you would be my source of strength when things are difficult.

Lord you know those on my heart that just need to experience you more. I just pray that you would make yourself present in new ways that captivate their hearts and draw them to your love.

I love you:) Thanks for listening!

Couldn't ask for anything more!

Lord,

I just want to express my utmost gratitude. You have exceeded all of my expectations of what Rochester could be. I am learning what it means to live in authentic community. I am so blessed with all the Amazing people I am meeting on this journey. I'll be honest, some days I almost feel guilty that I am enjoying life so much right now. I know I need to be a little more cautious with my money budgeting but I just don't want to miss a beat here. I want to experience it all. I don't know if I will be here past May, so I just want to see it all. My heart is just so happy, I want each day to have it's fullest potential....taking care of my responsibilities of school and internship, but also being intentional about living life with others. This means going out for coffee..runs...adventures and enjoying the little things in life. I am content. Not artificial--contentment--but deep down belly fuzzy true contentment. My focus is shifting from longing for life to be a certain way...to accepting and thriving with joy about where you have me now. I look forward to all that is in store. I pray that you would just continue to bring people in my life who encourage me to grow deeper with you and live out my faith.

This morning, I got up at the crack of dawn and went to the downtown farmers market in Rochester with my friends. It's a crisp autumn day, and the aromas of candied almonds and fresh baked bread permeated the air. The vibrant colors of fruits and vegetables splattered rows and rows of tables. I wish I had a camera to capture it! I grabbed a whoopie pie from an amish stand. It filled the little void of home that I missed on this morning since all of my family is coming together today in Lancaster and I will not be there. Then got some chai tea at a cute coffee shop to warm me up and perused the isles for the best deal on my fruits and veggies for the week. I love that the farmers markets provides vouchers for low-income families. It is often difficult for families with limited incomes to afford the cost of fresh produce that is so essential to healthy diets. This is a great option for them...and grad students with limited incomes too:).

On the way home, I had a great conversation with my friend and fellow GRAD student Leonna. We were talking about what we hope our lives to look like in the future. What it would mean to live out faith authentically. I dream of living in a low-income area with a husband who has a heart for people to0. I want to provide hospitality in my home and have that as a ministry. Not telling people...You need Jesus....but just developing relationships with neighbors. Meeting people where they are at in life. I just don't want to do it alone. I continue to pray that the Lord would bring a man into my life who has a same desire and would want to embark on that adventure with me. I place no expectations that this is what the Lord will do, but I see it as my ideal life. I pray that the Lord will lead me wherever he could use me. Wherever that may be and with whoever that means I will navigate my life with.

Well I need to get some homework done before babysitting tonight. Signing of with Chris Tomlin lyrics that I really am enjoying right now. Lord, I just pray for the week ahead. That you would provide me with the energy to get everything completed and just really give you glory through it all. Lord, I lift up the people in my life who are hurting right now. Whether that be struggles with relationships, health issues, finances, life transitions, etc. I pray that your holy spirit would fill each person's heart and guide them to peace amidst the struggle.

With love,

Aud

Here I bring my stains and crowns
Gentle river wash me now
Your love is deeper than I know
Your ways higher than I can go

Lead me in Your holiness
I will follow, I confess
Glory is the song I sing
Your life is living me

And where would I be
Without You, without You?
Where would I be
Without You?

I will bow before the cross
Cherish my Redeemer's cost
There is nothing I can do
But only stand amazed by You

Mercy new with every day
Wrapped up in Your arms of grace
Nothing more, You're all I need
Your life is living me

Like a waterfall
You fill my heart and overflow
Like a candle flame
You light my way
And lead me as I go

Spirit overflow
Let me overflow