Now, a few months later, some of the newness has worn off. I am back in Rochester for my FINAL semester, and equipping myself for the final push to the end of this Grad School Chapter of my life. Specifically, over the past few weeks as I have prayed for God to give me clarity in decision making in several areas of my life, I have been overwhelmed by how he not only gave me wisdom on the situations but taught me more about my insecurities and my need for further dependence on him. Too often, I am finding that I feel this overwhelming burden of being, "too much" and "not enough" all at the same time. As I enter into relationships, I am driven in the way I relate to others out of this fear of being "too needy" or "too independent". I desire to be a balanced woman between these two extremes. Independent enough to be confident and trusting in God's timing and plan for my life, be not too independent that I am unable to take risks in vulnerability and realness with others.
I am sure a balance exists. And right now in my times with God, I will marinate in his faithfulness expectant that as I seek Him more closely each day, I will slowly unlock these shackles that bind me. I chose the word marinate, because it is just such a clear mental picture that helps me fully embrace God's faithfulness. When we marinate meat, we take something dead and lifeless, and saturate it in zest, spice, and goodness to produce something tantalizing and tender. It takes time to soak it all in, and it is a process--but the end result is well worth the wait.
I am the same way. I am dead and lifeless with the sin and bondage that are present in my life. But when I absorb the truth of God and his faithfulness, I am infused with renewed perspective. And it is a lifelong process. I have missed a few ingredients in my marination along the way the last few months, and as a result have perhaps not always glorified God in my words, motivations, and actions. But God's grace and faithfulness are my hope in this process. When I come to him with the shame of an uneatable product, he refines the recipe to create something fresh and new. (An ironic metaphor, since some of my most recent recipes have not turned out so well..just ask my family:) What a blessing to have hope in forgiveness and fresh starts!
His word tells me:
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control
(2 Timothy 1:7).
Perhaps, God is calling me to stop trying so hard to "be balanced"...and just allow the presence of his spirit to guide me towards acceptance of his unconditional love, which ignites a natural outpouring of contentment and fulfillment in Him. As a result, this will pour over into my relationships.
I am so thankful for each person, relationship, and situation (whether challenging or exhilarating) that have helped me come to this point of refocus. While the lull before the new semester allows me more time to process the last few months, I hope to carry what I have learned into action over the next several months. This is a new semester of refinement for me!
Objective: To become the God-honoring woman God desires me to be, and give him glory in this process of refinement.
Goals For the Next Semester
1.) Focus on Creating God Honoring Friendships
2.) Encourage others rather than tear them down in my speech
3.) Expectantly embrace the future of the unknown ahead of me with eagerness:)
4.) Enjoy the journey...including both sunshine and storms along the way!
5.) Remember and accept God's unconditional love, no matter my emotional state or circumstances
6.) Be more real and vulnerable with others
7.) Create dialogue that fuels discussion about God, faith, and our daily life journeys with people God places in my life.
7.) Take more risks
8.) Try new Things
9.) Accept the things I cannot change
10.) Laugh A Lot along the way!
If anyone who knows me reads this. Please keep me accountable:)
Thanks Friends!
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