God,

I am blessed. Thanks for using the book of Hosea to speak into my insecurities. God, I want to be different. I want to know you intimately.  And I want to love and see people the way that you do. Through Hosea, you are reminding me that I first have to be able to see myself as you see me, as Chosen and Beloved.  All too often, I talk to you...but I forget to stop and listen, to allow you the time to respond.

The other day, a friend was talking about taking a personality test. I was reminded of the days as a camp counselor, we were asked to complete one ourselves. ENFJ/INFJ.  I am the oddball type. I am exactly on the line of extrovert/introvert so dont clearly fit in either--I'm a bit of both. Since I've been on call this week, I've had loads of extra time just to think and research and dream with my work phone by my side. So I decided to review what these personality characteristics mean. And you know, I am blown away at how accurate they are.  God, every personality has strengths and weaknesses for sure and while all ENFJ/INFJ's are not the same-- reviewing the description reminded me that you have purposefully and specifically designed me to be the person I am for a reason.  God, thanks for this reminder that who I am is not wrong or right or out in left field....I am perfectly who you want me to be.  God, I give you any shame, doubt, insecurity about myself and lay it before you. God, just like the trees don't doubt that you will bring their leaves back again as they are deeply rooted in you---I hold onto that same confidence---that this dessert is not forever. This season can and will be beautiful. It is necessary to appreciate the other seasons just that much more because I have gone through it.

Lord,
In my work, I often have to diagnosis patients with a label.  But at the end of the day--it is just a label---but it is not WHO the person is. It cannot fully capture the entirety of the persons strengths and weakness, likes and dislikes. It merely tells the insurance company that there is humanness in this person--there is struggle and there is strife---but it does not define their personhood. God--this week--can you help me to see the person- the God-designed characteristics innate in EVERY person. Give me your eyes to see.

Amen

Genuine/Authentic Faith

I think I've written this before, but it's a theme that keeps looping and making its way back in my mind. What does authentic faith look like?  When I say authentic, I mean totally genuine and pure-of-heart love for God and others. A faith that isn't just Christian-ease or prideful. A faith that doesn't view others as projects, but as fellow sinners that we NEED in our life just as much as they need us.  I desire that kind of faith. I want to have that totally pure and genuine heart for others like Christ, but I feel like I really fall short a lot--hazed by selfish ambition and insecurity.

God, some times I try to strive for authentic and genuine faith. But I feel like the very act of striving takes away the natural and genuineness of it all. So I know I can't make it happen on my own. But God, I pray that this week your genuine, pure, selfless spirit would reign in me naturally.  I pray that when I interact with people they would feel an unquestionable warmth and love that can only come from you. I pray that I would be quick to listen and slow to speak. I pray I would not be led to act out of selfish motives, but out of a heart that wants to empowers others and wants the best for them, like you do for me. Give me your eyes for other people, so I can see them as you do.

God, forgive me for many moments I have slipped up. I have torn others down with my speech, gossiped, sought human affirmation-rather than your affirmation.  This is not who you've made me to be. I feel icky inside just thinking about the ways these things have leaked into my heart and mind.  I lay these things before you and ask for your help to change. I truly and genuinely want to change, but again--it can't happen on it's own aside from you.

Take this life and let it be, more about you and less about me!

AMEN

God,

You are my joy. You are the re-framer of my thoughts. Tonight, I was tempted to replay critical self-talk in my mind, but all of a sudden I thought..." How does God see me?"  I was thinking so hard about how others see or think of me, that I lost sight of the most important view.

And I know Lord, that you would say... "She's been holding fast more than you know. She's been trying so hard. This girl, my child, is beautifully broken but incredibly loved.  Although she wonders from time to time, she earnestly wants to do the right thing. Sometimes she just has some trouble trusting me that I know what I'm doing.  But this child, my child, she is just who I want her to be. She may not understand the intricate web of personality traits that I've given her, but I have designed her in a way that no other person could replicate her. I want her heart. I want to grow her. And I will bring her through. I can't wait to show her what is in store...

God. You search me and know me.  I pray that I can trust who you tell me I am through your word, rather than the moments of self-bashing that don't help me grow.

When things just don't fit

Father God,

This evening it's just you and me, and this little hotel room in LaCrosse Wisconsin.  It always amazes me at the most interesting places we go together.  I could think of no better way to spend my downtime, than connecting with you and your word. Thanks for the reminder from Psalm 126, that you are a God of past faithfulness and a God of future faithfulness. You know my heart, so this will come as no surprise--but emotionally I just feel stuck in this waiting room, but I don't know what I am waiting on.
All to often I feel like the Isrealites who saw you perform miracles in their lives, but then quickly forgot how you have provided. They get so stuck on the things yet to come, that they forget where they've come from and the GREATNESS of who you are.  I can list the countless ways you have met me at my worst and came through in ways that I didn't even know I needed you to come through.  I don't want to forget and I don't want to doubt that you ARE for me. You have my best in mind, and as much as sometimes I want to question why you have made things the way they are--you have always made your goodness known.

Lord, I name my deepest fear of lifelong singleness to you and again surrender it to your care. It's hard to type those words. I'd like to pretend that I am completely confident in you and who you made me.  But, I have a daily battle to fight, and I can't do it without you. I have a battle to reframe my thoughts everyday; to choose to see the opportunities in the challenges, to choose to push myself out of my comfort zone, to accept the many emotions I experience in the midst of it all, to choose to see life as a process and not a series of events and milestones that need achieved today, to see myself as you see me and accept that I am deeply flawed but intensely loved beyond my wildest imagination.

Lord, I pray that I would experience you in a clear and distinct way the next 4 days I spend in Wisconsin.  I don't want to continue to be the same person I am now. I pray for growth and openness to the prompting of your holy spirit that draws me closer to you.  Father, help me be present now and not living in the future and the yet to comes.  I want my life to glorify you daily, not just when things are easy or going well.

Can you help me?

You have plans to prosper me and not destroy me
You are NOT witholding good from me
You have a plan for my life and I have purpose

On my flight to Chicago yesterday, I was moved to tears as we waited for take off. Sitting there, I saw a man who was obese, across the aisle lean over to the stranger seated next to him; whispering, "this is embarrassing, I don't fit." His face was wrinkled with shame and self-hatred.  I quickly turned my face to the window, so my chatty-kathy seat buddy would not see my tears.  As the stewardess approached, she offered the stranger sitting next to the man with weight issues an alternate seat.  And while I could no longer see the face of the man who struggled with weight issues, I could imagine the internal dialogue of self-slander going on his mind. And all I could do was pray. I prayed (and cried) for that man in the moment-- for a holy interception of those thoughts. That instead grace, mercy, and a confidence that he is loved would radiate to the deepest corners of his heart.  But even deeper, I think this man's moment resonated with my heart because we all have these moments.

I identify with him--not in the obesity, but in the daily struggle to allow shame and self-doubt to be wiped clean.  To see myself as You see me.  Lord, in those moments in this season of life where I too have a "this is embarrassing, I don't fit" kind of moment-- will you meet me there?  I get teary as I write this because, I need to get this just as much as that guy.  I can't offer others grace and confidence in Christ, if I can't identify those cracks in my own heart. I know we are supposed to be outward, as Christians, but I think just as much you ask us to step to the plate and do the tough work of looking inward.  We have so many "things" to distract us from the real heart issues, because to truly look inward hurts before it gets better somedays.  But out of that heart work; flows authentic, genuine grace that can't be self-manufactured by behavior modification.

So if nothing else comes from this trip, I will hold on to that moment with a divine nobody on the airplane. He has no idea the impact that moment brought to my heart, but I pray God, that you show him he HAS purpose. He is not alone in the fight, and I pray you would bring people in his midst who help him unpack the inner gunk keeping him bound to shame.

You are Good God. Always good.

A

Stuck

Lord,
There moments, like today, where my deep need for you is forefront on my mind.  I am in a season of life where I feel stuck.  Life is full of a lot of really great stuff. You have been faithful in your provision. But lately, I feel like I am starting to settle into a consistent pattern.  And while there is good in that normalcy, there are inner parts of me craving for something new, something different.

Father, tonight I had a moment of just true introspection as I saw myself in a group environment.  I feel like as much as I lead, sometimes I'm not a "good leader". I have my ideas of how things should go and how things should run. When they don't go that way...I don't know how to respond.  Lord, this is a pattern. I don't want to be controlling. I don't want to come across as self-absorbed and self-centered and as someone who just likes to hear themselves think.  I long to be a person that brings others into the passion of a project and build others up as they contribute a wealth of insight.
But sometimes, I need you to help me to take a step back from leading. Lord, I need you to help me be the type of leader that propels other people forward in their own leadership and encourage them to grow and have some of the same opportunities others have given me.

But it doesn't come naturally to me Lord. My headstrong, get-it-done nature-- I'm sure can be off-putting to some.  And my heart grieves that.

Lord, I trust that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. But I am also keenly aware that I am broken and have such gigantic need for you.

This leadership opportunity that is in front of me..give me wisdom.  Is it best for me to step back, so others cans step up? I need to be humbled at how much I don't know. Lord, I have a lot to learn and this experience is showing me particularly in that arena where there is a plank in my eye.

But perhaps this struggle is not only a difficulty in groups.  Perhaps, it happens in interpersonal relationships too. Am I too domineering?

Father, I want to be a woman that is so entrenched in you. I want to have a heart that is not just busy with many things--but truly enamored by a connection with you and changed by who you are.

My 27th year is coming up in a few days.  Will you show me how to lead with love, and how to know the difference when sometimes that requires me to step back? Can you be present to me this year, as I seek you?

You are good God. I trust that even in my brokenness--I have purpose and significance in your sight.

With all my heart,
A

A Glimpse of Heaven

Father God,

You and I have been talking a lot lately, through my contemplative prayers and opportunities for aloneness with you. But, while I've thought about splattering it all out in writing, I haven't felt that push until this week.

Lord, you have brought someone on my path, who has a story filled with contents that you can only imagine from a horror film. And yet, you have provided an opportunity to develop a friendship.  Each of us coming to the table with our own stories, regardless of how different these stories may be- you have united us on the basis of our extreme, daily need for you.

The other night, as my friend was seated next to me in my car, we both stared at  the road ahead. In the protection of sitting side by side, rather than face to face, my friend began to share her heart. She shared of the hurts and struggles and injustices; but she just as much turned to me and said, "but you know what? That song we sang in church last Sunday, you know the one that goes, "Your grace is enough." She continued to sing these words over and over until I found myself belting them out right along.  "I sing it every morning when I wake up and whenever my day is hard-which is everyday, it makes me happy."  We laughed and giggled, and we thanked God for the importance of his truth that comes in so many forms.

As I walked away from that night, I just had to smile and commit that moment to memory. I can only imagine these scenes that play out, as you unite your children and restore through your truth and our common need for your grace, are constantly part of the bigger picture you see. I can envision you looking down with a smile thinking, "Continue to show up everyday. I will make my truth visible in the most unlikely ways if you just trust."

The next morning, as I woke up to start my day, the words, "Your grace is enough" infiltrated my mind. With a smile, I raced out the door and sent her a text message saying...I woke up with the song in my head. She simply responded with a texted laugh and the words, "me too." This truly felt like a sliver of what heaven will be like, when we all come together, and celebrate with the purest of joys--the greatness of who you are.

I shared this experience with my mentor and running friend a few days later. The morning after my run, I woke up to a text from my running partner that read, "I woke up with the words. 'Your grace is enough' in my head."

Father God, I can only explain the contagious phenomenon of your truth, as a concrete example of your hand at work around me.

As I savor the days remaining in summer, my prayer is that I would continue to keep you as my focus on this journey. I want to trust you and I want to be sensitive to your leading. I want to embrace these moments, capture them, and trust that this is just the beginning of your glorious unfolding.

Colorado. Tennessee. Massachusetts.  As opportunities to travel, grow, rest, and network lay ahead of me-- I pray that your hand will be in each one of these trips. Lord, as I pray about an even bigger trip you may have for me-- I pray that your doors would open.  I want to trust without borders that your grace truly is enough. I will trust that my life is in good hands. You will use me in my current giftings and skillfully mold me for the skills that will be useful for the future.

You are good God. Thanks for once again speaking words of Truth into my heart in some of the most unlikely places.

A

Life Lessons from the Clearance Book Rack

Lord,

How do I begin to explain the words of my heart?  You never cease to amaze me with the fingerprints you leave on situations that let me know you were there, thinking of me.

Some of the most impactful books I have read in my life, aside from the bible, have been spontaneous purchases from the clearance rack of the bookstore.  The first was Divine Nobodies, a few years ago which I haphazardly bought for a friend's birthday.  When I got home from the bookstore though, I was overcome by curiosity of what might be unfolding in this book. That night, I read the whole thing (for my friend's sake, of course:) before gently packing it up to gift.  Little did I know, that book would transform how I viewed the people that God places on my path in life.  It humbled me to see people as fellow journeyers and teachers in this adventure of life, no matter where they came from or where they were headed.  I cannot begin to explain how this paradigm has allowed me to experience so much joy in the everyday person I encounter. Of course somedays I am better at seeing it than others, but essentially it changed my view and how I relate to others.

Now, a few years later, I was scurrying around the local christian bookstore to get a few odds and ends for a retreat with youth at my church.  Sitting silently on the shelf was a book called Love Does--a steal at $5.  Interestingly enough, months before I had seen the same book at another store for a much higher price and regretfully placed the book back on the shelf after an intensive internal debate on want vs. need.  So anyhow, the last week as I have been delving into the book, I am just enthralled and challenged.

Lord. Can you please help me to be someone who "leaks Jesus" like Bob explains? Lord, you know that lately I've been going through the motions. Longing for excitement or newness or something..anything... to spice up life a little bit.  And yet I haven't made any steps.  I go to work, church, gym class, coffee with a friend here or there...and then I come home. I come home and I sit and wonder and hope that maybe life will change if I just wait.

The biggest thing I needed to hear was that adventures with you, may require seasons of waiting. But waiting does not mean inactivity. It means walking in faithful action, acknowledging that the story of our lives is a part of a much grander adventure when we walk it with you.  Lord, starting today, I will be more open to putting myself out there....to not just sitting on my bed waiting for something to happen while my spiritual muscles atrophy.  Nothing brilliant or amazing or fun ever happened while just sitting and waiting.

Lord...can you ignite me with intentional focus and a humble heart to seek out the opportunities for adventure that have been here all along? I want these stories to point back to you...to point to the fact that is only because of YOU that everyone can be apart of the great adventure.

Lord, I pray that just because the storyline of my life is different than I would like right now, that I won't discount the overarching plot that you have already written for my life and the plan you already wrote for its unfolding.

Lord. I want to pray courageous prayers and tonight I ask, Can you show up in my mundane everyday? Can you give me your eyes to see the beauty in the everyday?  Lord. Can you show me that I am not alone--even when things get a little lonely? Can you remind me of the importance of taking initiative?

As I think back on my clearance book purchases, I find it ironic. Typically clearance books are the ones that are outdated, didn't sell well, or the store just overstocked and now needs to prepare space for new books.  So they decrease the monetary value in order to make space. But what I've found most, is that monetary value does not speak to the eternal value of the wisdom and truths of these book.

What would happen if I took inventory of my heart? Might I find some hidden gems, that may be of eternal value for someone else who God has been preparing space in their heart?

Lord...I am going on a great adventure with you. Lead me to the unexpected book shelves of life that may allow me to meet you face to face in the often discounted stories of others. I pray that you would show me the deep value and worth that stem from these stories.

You are good God. Always Good.

Thanks for that!

A.

Roaming heart

Father God,

My heart has been wandering and roaming aimlessly lately. I feel confused and unclear about this winding path laying before my feet. There are desires my heart longs to have fulfilled, but the journey is met with longing for something more than the present can satisfy. Lord God, I want to see you do something miraculous. I want to see something happen that I can sit in amazement and say, "It's only because of the Father."  I want to shout on the roof tops the goodness of who you are, that stems out of a heart that has been entranced by your faithfulness, goodness, and mercy. 

Lord, take my life and let it be yours.  Use this fragile, broken life of mine and use it for your glory.  Recent events have awakened me to the easily swaying of my heart to leave this winding road for journeys of my flesh.  Father God, I need your peace to break out of the captivity of anger, bitterness, and distrust.  Thank you for the people you have brought on my journey. 

Lord, I pray for the man that you have designed for me to marry someday, if that is your will. Lord, I pray that you would be growing him with a heart after you. I pray that you would teach me, lead me, and bring people into my life who can help me become the kind of women that man will need. Lord protect my heart and lead me to the places where your strength can be made known in my weakness.

Your beloved,

A

Words don't come easy tonight. There are so many blessings that have occurred over the last few weeks, but my mind becomes fixated and entrenched in the other mess of life.  Lord, would you meet me here tonight?  I need you this week. I need YOUR patience, YOUR heartfelt compassion, YOUR eyes of grace, YOUR willing spirit....because mine is just not cutting it this week.

Lord, I want to meditate on your word. I want to hold my thoughts captive and replace them with the truth of who you are....but it's just not coming easy tonight.  Father, thank you for being present even when I feel at a loss of understanding.  Lord help the desires of my heart to become more than just talk, but action.  Help me to place my focus on things of eternal purpose, rather than fleeting circumstance.

Father, I lay before you the mess. How can I bring you glory through it? My heart is willing--I surrender it all to you.  I desperately want to follow you and stick out the tough stuff.  I want to do what seems impossible...but is totally possible in YOUR strength.

You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.
Isa. 26:3


Amen,

A

Secrets of the Untamed Heart

Lord God,

Thank you for knowing my innermost being. For loving me. For desiring for me to take part in your plans to transform lives and make disciples.  Lord, I think I have at times developed a big head regarding the blessings you have given me.  Father, at the core I know that they are only because of Your strength, and Your wisdom, and Your graciousness that anything could be made out of my mess of a heart.  But sometimes I get swept up in the whirlwind that I begin to lose sight, and am tempted to take credit. Please continue to remind me that you are in the business of using divine nobodies. And I truly am a nobody, caught in the arms of your love.  Thanks for continuing to stun me with your unfolding plans. I ask that you would continue to make yourself known as I choose to walk in the murky waters of serving you.

Lord, my heart and my flesh sometimes pull me in opposite directions.  I pray that I would make decisions with you and not on my own.  Lord, so often I lean on my own understanding.  I try to "muscle it." I try desperately to manipulate situations to match what I've dreamed up in my mind.  But Lord, I pray that you will help my heart be open to roads that may look very different from what I have dreamed up in my mind.  I am so thankful that I can fully trust that no matter what road I go down, if I am seeking you, you will use that situation.

You are so faithful God. I have been blessed by so many people you have brought into my path the last few months. I pray for each of these friendships, Lord, that we would be refined through them. Lord--I pray for a humble heart that would approach others as a fellow nomad, hopelessly following your path--wherever it may lead.  Lord, in the moments where I question the way you have designed my personality, I pray that at the same time I can shout praise for my weaknesses.  Father it's in the celebration of my weaknesses, I pray that others would be able to celebrate their own. Because you don't want perfect people. You want willing people.

Looking at the month ahead, I ask that you would continue to capture and penetrate my heart. Father, I pray that I wouldn't be left stagnant, but would hear your precious words daily that will direct my path.

You are good, father. No one compares to you!

Love,
A

Asking the tough questions: Grace Vs Truth in Love

Lord,
It's hard to know where to begin.  The last three months have been full of joyous moments and some challenging moments too.  Lord, I thank you for the challenges that have prodded me to seek your heart more deeply.

Lord, I've been placed in situations that tested my willingness to extend grace.  But at the same time, I was challenged  to establish when grace is no longer the most loving thing to do, and setting boundaries is most necessary and healthy.  I know that Satan wants me to believe that healthy boundaries means that I become controlling.  But thanks for being strong for me. For helping me not to internalize self-critique that could have kept me from doing the most loving thing.  I've seen my selfishness come out.  I've seen pride, anxiety, and gossip come out of my mouth. I've also seen how you've convicted me of that and ask me to take action.  Lord, I have messed up and not always responded as I wish I would have. Thanks for extending the same overwhelming grace to me that you gave to Peter, when he sometimes acted without thinking. Lord, show me how to love with grace AND boundaries. And how to let the responsibility for someone's relationship for you not be my responsibility...but yours.  I am a willing vessel. Use me, but I ask for discernment, when I sometimes need to take a step back and say...this has to be God. Don't let me get sucked into a huge ego that would make me believe that anything I could do would ever save anyone.  It's only you and the holy spirit.

Father, I pray for those who know you and have received your grace. I pray that they would not remain stagnant by the word of your grace, but would be changed by it.  Please continue to bring spiritual mentors into the lives of young adults Lord. There are so many people carrying around brokenness, and just need a mature Christian to walk alongside them and speak into their lives to become more like you.  But Lord, only you can ignite that desire in someones heart. They have to want you and your grace, and to desire to know who you are personally.  They have to want that healing. Not because of pressure from friends or relatives, but because they recognize their deep need for you. They recognize that nothing else of this world will satisfy the unquenched need in their hearts.

Lord, I pray that you would show me the things about myself that sometimes I like to pretend are not there. Heal those areas of my life that bring me shame. Allow me to take the pressure off of myself to fix them, so that you can do it perfectly.  I will never be perfect. You didn't design me to be that way.  I pray though that my blundders and missteps could ultimately be used just as much for you...because you are, well, just that wonderful and capable.

Amen:)

Praying for him...

Father,

Tonight I just have it on my heart to pray for the man you will have for me to marry someday.  I pray Lord that he would be a man with a passion for loving and serving you and loving others first and foremost.  Lord, I pray that this waiting season of my life would be well worth it, because of the incredible man that you are preparing for me.  I pray that together we would reflect you better than we could apart. I pray that as each of us seek you and the passions that you have placed on our hearts, that these passions would intersect and truly highlight your perfect plan. I entrust this waiting period to you, Lord. Even if that man is not a part of your plan for me, I pray that you would raise up men after your heart who would lead by example for other christian women. Lord, I just praise you for the many ways I see you working everyday, to make your glory known. Lord, wherever he is..I pray that he would know and feel your presence!

Lots of Love,
A