"The same God who was with you then is with you now
The same God who led you in will lead you out
So take all the fear and doubt
Go on and lay them down
The same God, the same God is with you now"

Newsong--The Same God

I'm clinging to these truths right now. Lately, I have been encouraged by thinking of my life and my role in this life as a character in a divine and epic story. That story being---the story of the death and resurrection of Christ. I am a character in God's unfolding story. Since I am not the author of this story, I will leave it in the hands of my maker to navigate my now and forever and my happy ever after.

Sometimes it is easy for me to forget, that the same God who pulled me through the valleys of my life before...is still the same God now and forevermore. The setting of this story may change...the joys and challenges make look a little different...but my Rock never does!

Lord God,

I am being humbled beyond measure. Each morning, I wake up and wonder why you have entrusted me with this life. I feel inadequate and failing in every measure. I crave balance in all areas of my life, but some days it feels like I cannot measure up.

But in these days I am waiting patiently, asking for help when I need it, and laying before you with a new found understanding of my need for you. I can't do it all on my own. But you let me rest in your strength. I don't have to pretend that I am a mighty superhero, I can truthfully demonstrate that I am a wounded sinner being carried in the arms of your grace and love.

At the same time, I pray that I would not fall prey to the "victim" complex. I cannot control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond. I have choices I can make. I can choose to give everything I've got and trust that it is enough. I can choose to cut myself some slack sometimes. I can choose to let things go. I can choose to live passionately, without fear. I HAVE A CHOICE.

I want to be more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37). And I have to remind myself...nothing can separate me from the Love of Christ. ....let me emphasize NOTHING....no emotions, fears, failures, stress, relationships. God's love is stuck on me like old chewing gum on the bottom of a school desk---firm and fast, stuck for the long haul.

Lord...this is my prayer. That you would breathe new life into me. Energize me with your passions. Strengthen me when things are difficult. Work at the condition of my heart--this heart that wants to give up sometimes, the heart that feels defeated, the heart that feels weary. I pray that this life of mine would be more about you and less about me. I pray that I would see serving others as an honor.

I love you Lord. Thanks for loving not just some of me...but all of me.

Beth Moore's poem reaches down and tugs gently at the corners of my heart that need these reminders of truth. My life is so not my own, and I can only hold on to the truth that I sometimes I just need reminded. Life may look completely different than I would ever imagine or dream; but God is up there weaving together a masterful plan--with eternal purposes that can sprout from the pain, uncertainty, and anxiety of life. I will choose to trust--I will choose joy--and I will not let satan have victory in my moments of vulnerability!

The Life I Planned
by Beth Moore


Has someone seen the life I planned?
It seems it's been misplaced
I've looked in every corner
It's lost without a trace
I've found one I don't recognize
Things missing that were dear
Promises I'd hope to keep
And dreams I'd dreamed aren't here
Faces I had planned to see
Hands I planned to hold
Now absent in the pictures
Not the way I told
Has someone seen the life I planned?
Did it get thrown away?
God took my hand from searching
Then I heard him say,

"Child, your ears have never heard
Your eyes have never seen
Eternal plans I have for you
Are more than you could dream.
"You long to walk by sight
But I'm teaching eyes to see.
I know what I am doing
'Til then, you must believe."
He's done so much, I felt ashamed
To know He heard my moans
To think I'd trade in all He's done
For plans made on my own.
I wept over His faithfulness
And how He'd proved Himself
How He'd gone beyond my dreams
And said to Him myself,

"No, my ears have never heard
My eyes have never seen
Eternal plans you have for me
Are more than I could dream.
"Yes, I long to walk by sight
But You're teaching eyes to see
You know what You are doing
'Til then, I must believe."
I felt His great compassion
Mercy unrestrained
He let me mourn my losses
And showed me to my gains.
I offered Him my future
And released to Him my past
I traded in my dreams
For a plan He said would last.
I get no glimpse ahead
No certainties at all
Except the presence of the One
Who will not let me fall.
Are you also searching
For a life you planned yourself?
Have you looked in every corner?
Have you checked on every shelf?

Child, your ears have never heard
Your eyes have never seen
Eternal plans He has for you
Are more than you could dream.
Perhaps you long to walk by faith
But He's teaching eyes to see
He knows what He is doing
Child, step out and believe.

Drenched in the weight of poverty and despair of my clients, today I came home and felt weak. I felt weak to the fact that I cannot change it today, maybe not tomorrow, and maybe not years from now. I felt like my day was spent constantly battling against the forces of hopelessness that rage in the days of those I try to serve. It was one of those days that I felt like I was moving full force and doing so many things, but getting no where--like in slow motion scene of a movie.

And at the end of this day, I have to come back and thank God for it. I thank God that he is willing to entrust me with the battle for hope with each of my clients. I thank God that I do not need to lean on my own strength and understanding. I thank God that I am so weak...so that he can be strong. It's difficult...it's hard...and sometimes I question why God led me to this place, but ultimately I will choose to Trust, even when I cannot see.

I don't have every answer in life
But I'm trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

Tonight these words from Sanctus Real pummeled me. The only way I will make it...the only way I can move forward is to life my hands and trust God with this life. I can't give up hope, that he is up to something bigger than me.

Fresh Starts and New Beginnings

Fresh. Clean. New. Fragrant like the ambition radiating from freshly washed laundry, waiting to be worn for a new adventure. Today, these are the words that come to mind as I've been pondering the New Year.

I love a clean slate and a New Year. I love the reminder that life is not stagnant--it is continually changing. When life seems like it's just not picking up, we have the hope that it will change with time. Maybe not immediately or in our own time frame, but ultimately new things happen.

The New Year has prompted me to look back on the last year and really look at how much life has changed in that year. There were moments I swore I was stuck and things would never change, and then eventually things changed drastically. I think sometimes I get so swallowed by my emotions in the moment, that I completely lose sight of the fact that God is working in that time.

For Christmas this year, I bought a wardrobe for my closet-less bedroom. Since I moved into my apartment in October, my room has been a disaster. Somehow, the new wardrobe, is symbolic for me. In the pre-wardrobe phase my room seemed chaotic and in turn made me feel chaotic. But with time and patience, it now feels organized, neat, and new.

I feel like that is what Christ does for me x10000000000. He offers newness and fresh starts everyday. Sometimes in the busyness and stress of life, I know I fall captive into the trap of losing hope that change can happen. But Christ is the reminder, that each day change is possible. But we need to stop trying to take the lead, and let him be the guide--trusting that he has something great in store.

So for the year ahead, my prayer is that Christ would bolster me with faith that endures hardship, stress, and struggle. And out of that, I pray that there would be a well-spring of joy that abounds from the Truth of knowing Christ.

I may not be able to control the way things work out in the coming year. But I do have a choice to choose faith. I officially choose faith today, no matter what the next day, week, month, or year brings.

Psalm 32:8, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." (NIV)

Lord,

Thanks for loving me, even in the days I don't seem to have much faith. I pray that you would give me a heart that is renewed by your holy spirit and grounded by your word. I praise you---because you have big things in store for me this year. Help me to trust and rest in the fact that I do not need to take control. You have it all in your hands. I can keep seeking you, and you will guide me where you need me.

I pray for others who may be struggling at times to keep hope in what is unseen. Times may get difficult, but I pray that you would give us spirits of perseverance.

Amen

Consuming Fire

As I was praying tonight before my devotions, the word consume, just kept coming to mind. I looked up the word on bible gateway,

and was brought to Hebrews 12:29.

 Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire. Hebrews 12:29

Then, the lyrics of Consuming Fire by Hillsong started running through me mind.

There must be more than this, O breath of God come breathe within, There must be more than this, Spirit of God we wait for You.  Fill us anew we pray, Fill us anew we pray.  (Chorus) Consuming fire fan into flame, A passion for Your Name, Spirit of God would You fall in this place, Lord have Your way, Lord have Your way with us,  Come like a rushing wind, Clothe us with power from on high, Now set the captives free, Leave us abandoned to Your praise.  Lord let Your glory fall, Lord let Your glory fall.  Stir it up in our hearts Lord, Stir it up in our hearts Lord, Stir it up in our hearts Lord, A passion for Your Name.

Father God,

I just feel like all of a sudden, I am tempted to let my thoughts be consumed by hopes and dreams. It's not a bad thing,

but I guess I'm wondering if they are your hopes and dreams for me, or just my earthly flesh.  Lord, I pray that you would

turn my eyes fully back to you and trust that no amount of worry or thought will do anything for the situation that keeps popping

up in my mind. Lord, I am content in you. I continually experience that fullness. So, I pray that you would let that be enough in 

my heart. Lord, I pray that I would not entertain thoughts that take me away from your vision for my life.

Lord, at the end of the day, I pray that you would show me how to be a friend. I pray that out of intentional friendships, you would 

make me into the person you need me to be.  I pray that in these relationships we would sharpen each other and encourage each other 

towards you. Father, I thank you for each of the girls in my small group.  I thank you that they are all interested in committing to 

living life together and seeking you wholeheartedly together. 

Condition of the Heart

It's almost midnight, after a really long work day, and yet my heart has been stirring, yearning, and thirsting for a connection with God tonight. Over the last two months, life has gone from pretty lifeless to jam packed with a lot of great stuff. While two months ago, life felt a bit lonely and directionless...I notice in those times, I am so much more aware of God and the status of my spiritual life.

Now, while life is filled with a lot of great stuff, that time to really reflect has become smaller and farther between. Lord, I don't want to go back into old patterns of life. Lord I trust you in this season of life, and I just ask that you would show my a life balance that really illuminates your name. I pray that I would not take on so much, that my relationship with you suffers.

Lord, right now I just feel contentment. I can truly say that my thoughts now are more on how my life can bring others to know your transforming love, than how I can experience earthly love. Father, I just pray for the newness ahead the next month. I trust that you have a plan for the next year. I would hardly ever imagine that I would be at this place, and yet I know you seem to surprise me all the time with your divine purposes for each situation.

Lord, I just pray that you would continue to shape and mold me into who you need me to be. Your construction zone in my heart may hurt at times, but I just pray that the end result is something beautiful and something honoring to you.

Lord, I pray that you would help me take the steps and actions toward changes in my life. I at times don't know how to take that first step or what that looks life. So, I just pray that you would provide that wisdom.

Lord, please be with each of my MPACT girls. I praise you for the relationships that were built last weekend, and I just pray for continued openness amongst the group. Lord, I pray for those you bring into my life, that they would hunger for you.

Lord, I pray for the man I will marry someday. I pray that you are just at work in his life, preparing Him to be a man of servitude and humbleness-- a spiritual leader and encourager. Whoever He may be Lord, I just pray that you would make me into the woman he needs me to be.

Thanks for hearing my heart Lord, even at times when I am uncertain of the condition of my heart.

Aud

The Sweet Sweet Reunion with Fall:)

Coming out from work tonight...it was CHILLY!!!!! And that means only one thing.....Fall is on it's way. Right now...I should be packing for a retreat I am going on with church this weekend....but writing seemed like such a better option. Packing is something I strongly despise.

So...this week has been euphoric. It felt like it was the coming together of a year of great plans the Lord has in store. 1.) I started my new job and am so stoked about it. Nervous..yes, but totally excited. 2.) Kristen and I got an apartment!! AND...it's extremely close to work which is super exciting. 3.) MPACT is ramping up and I cannot wait to meet the girls in my group. 4.) My other part-time/ 1 night a week job is going so well and I get so pumped every time I see improvements, no matter how big or small with my clients. 5.) The Lord has been truly blessing me with a bunch of new friends--totally an answer to prayer.

So Praise the Lord for a Great WEEK! bahhhhh...now back to packing.

Coming to the Well

Leave it all behind,
Leave it all behind,
Leave it all behind,
Leave it all behind,

I have what you need,
But you keep on searchin,
I've done all the work,
But you keep on workin,
When you're runnin on empty,
And you can't find the remedy,
Just come to the well.

You can spend your whole life,
Chasin what's missing,
But that empty inside,
It just ain't gonna listen.
When nothing can satisfy,
And the world leaves you high and dry,
Just come to the well

CHORUS:
And all who thirst will thirst no more,
And all who search will find what their souls long for,
The world will try, but it can never fill,
So leave it all behind, and come to the well
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/casting_crowns/the_well.html ]
So bring me your heart
No matter how broken,
Just come as you are,
When your last prayer is spoken,
Just rest in my arms a while,
You'll feel the change my child,
When you come to the well

CHORUS:
And all who thirst will thirst no more,
And all who search will find what their souls long for,
The world will try, but it can never fill,
So leave it all behind, and come to the well

Yeah
Leave it all behind

The world will try, but it can never fill... leave it all behind

And now that you're full,
Of love beyond measure,
Your joy's gonna flow,
Like a stream in the desert,
Soon all the world will see that living water is found in me,
Cuz you came to the well

CHORUS:
And all who thirst will thirst no more,
And all who search will find what their souls long for,
The world will try, but it can never fill,
So leave it all behind, and come to the well

Last night, I sat scrunched in the front of my chevy cobalt, with the pitter patter of the seemingly endless rain storm harmonizing with the lyrics above. I was coming home from bible study, where the pastor eloquently emphasized that in our race towards Christ, we need to not only memorialize and remember the moments of God faithfulness, but forget and leave behind the things/lies in life that have no place or value next to the truth of God's faithfulness.

The lyrics washed over me like a warmth, in the chill of the coming fall--"And now that you're full of love beyond measure, your joy's gonna flow, like a stream in the desert, soon all the world will see that living water is found in me. Cuz you came to the well--Leave it all behind"

I just sat there, drinking in this truth. For that moment, my heart went back to the beginning. The memories flooded my mind of that day, back in middle school where Christ came searching for me. That day at Circle K camp, where he pursued me and told me I didn't have to be who I was...I could be made new. And since that moment the moments of God's faithfulness have been innumerable, scattered among the cracks and moments of fear, pain, uncertainty.

So what keeps me from drinking deep of that truth every moment of my life? Of course, my humanness and sinful nature. The Lord has done a work in me and has transformed me over the years, certainly has much more work to do. But I still have struggles that only the fulfillment of Christ and the holy spirit can overcome. My issues of pride. My issues of entitlement.

It was my prayer in that moment, that the Lord would help me let go of these holes I've been digging with pride and entitlement, and the life experiences I have been holding onto that produce these struggles.

When I look to the story of Jesus with the Samaritan woman in John 4, He came upon a woman thirsting for so much more than her current living. And he gave her life, true life that day.He stated, "Everyone who drinks this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." He broke the cultural norms of men speaking to women and risked his reputation for the sake of her eternal life.

So when I lack humility and the desire for affirmation temporarily fills that void in my heart, I pray that the holy spirit would remind me, "You have true water to quench that thirst in Christ, seek Him and what he says about you--believe it and you will want no more.

When I feel like I finally find something comfortable and it seems to be taken away, and I prompted to say, "That's not fair--I deserve to have that just like everyone else", I pray the Holy spirit will reside over that sense of entitlement. Did Christ promise a comfortable life catered to our wishes? No. Did Christ promise if we trust in Him, we would be filled? Yes. Did he promise it would be easy? No. Did he promise us it would be worth it? Yes.

Most recently, I found this in a situation in my life where I was starting to feel like I had found a small niche. A place I could connect. And then I found out this niche was going to change. The big "C" word.."Change". My initial reaction was like everyone elses, "That's not fair." "Everyone else has a niche why can't we have ours?"....and it's taken time for me to pray about it and ask the Lord what he desires for my response to be. And it appears in scripture to be one of willingness to have faith. It appears to be an invitation from God to not live comfortable, but to be intentional about allowing God to create a new niche...maybe even better than the old one. Suddenly, the excitement for something different, something new...seems like an opportunity for what the Lord has presently. It's like He's saying, I know you felt like I had met a need for you in this...but I love you so much....that I'm going to step things up a notch and meet your needs in a far greater way than you think possible. It may not be packaged like you think...but just wait and trust..live intentionally for me..and I will meet you there!

God is so Good....and I love his subtle nudges and welcoming whispers that fill up my wells until they pour out over the edges. Last year, I really felt the Lord speaking about overflow, and it's moments like this that I memorialize God's faithfulness for faithfully fulfilling my prayer, that began over a year ago!

Thank you Lord!!!

The Truth about Faith

The truth is....having faith is scary. It means trusting that there is ultimate purpose designed greater than my eyes can see. It means taking action out of faith, trusting that though we may fail, God is greater.

I've been pondering over what it means to live life with others and what it means to minister to others. The more I grapple with this topic, I find that living life with others is messy. It is filled with people's junk from years and years of unfortunate life circumstances and choices. Living life together means, being willing to not only help carry someone else's burden to lighten the load, but it also means being willing to let them share in your own. Living life together means taking risks. It means being willing to set yourself up for potential persecution. Ministry is scary. I had never thought about it before, until a recent ministry demonstrated the areas of potential liability. It's important to have boundaries, to keep things safe. But, I always carry this fear, that my faith in the good of people, will come back to haunt me. Am I too trusting? Am I too naive? When I see another person in need and I want to do something, do I just have a savior complex?

What's the boundary between meeting a need and doing good/ but staying safe.

When Christ calls us to ministry, he never says it will be safe. He never says it will be easy. And he actually says we will encounter trials of many kinds. But...he also says...I will be with you always...I will love you until the ends of the Earth....and will meet your every need.

So, as I step further into ministry opportunities this year, I will hold onto the words of Christ:

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

Isaiah 43:2

And to do so requires faith. Only great things happen by faith. Hebrews 11:30 reminds me that, "By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after he people had marched around them for seven days". Can you imagine, the people just walked for 7 days...tired, weary, but determined to remain steadfast in faith that God would fulfill his promises. So this year..I look forward to leading with faith and trusting in the Lord to catch me when I fall and set me back on solid ground.

I'm scared that I will not be able to handle everyone's junk. Yes, I have a degree in social work, but that does not mean I have all the answers. I pray that the Lord would continually rejuvenate me in my time in the word and in prayer, and with fellow believers. And I pray that through the junk of people's lives, the beauty and transforming power of Christ would shine through.

Lord,

I'm scared for the year ahead. You are bringing people into my path who have heavy burdens Lord. On my own Lord, I cannot carry their burdens. But, I know you can and have carried them since that day on the cross. I pray for wisdom and guidance in my interactions with these people. Lord, I just pray that you would bring each person to a point where they desire life change and desire to seek you fully and whole heartily. I pray that you would lay forgiveness on their hearts. Lord, give me the humility to admit when I do not know the answer. I want to do your will Lord, so I pray that if it be your will, I would learn to trust you more deeply and become more like you each day.

In your name,

Audrey

The arrival of autumn

Some days I feel so inspired by an idea or though, or perplexed by frustration/stress, that I can't wait to write. Today though, I have little inspiration. But, I do have some updates. I have passed my social work licensure exam and got a full-time job as a hospital based social worker/case manager. I am super excited that theses pieces are slowly coming together and I am really looking forward to what the next year has in store for me:)

I just pray that this is a year of great growth for me both spiritually and personally. And that I can learn how to love others more deeply and live life in community better than I have in the past. I pray that I will accomplish some of the dreams and goals the Lord has laid on my heart and keep stepping forward "one step at a time".

Summer is coming to an end. This summer has flown by at points and seemed like it would never end at others. These days, I am thoroughly enjoying the cooler days sans the humidity and the few days I have left before my full time job is in place. While things are coming together with the job, etc. I still need to be patient with getting an apartment. I need a little more time to build up my finances so that I can successfully navigate life in my own place and the responsibilities that go along with it.

In my devotions this morning...this was my challenge:

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?

Matthew 7:3

How often do I get frustrated/annoyed with others...only to realize my frustration is really about my own difficulty in that area I am frustrated with them about. Hopefully, these moments prompt me to make change in my own life, so I can get the plank out of my own eye:)

Also...a recent quote by C.S. Lewis that I am absolutely in love with.....

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

Inconvenience or Opportunity?

These days, my schedule seems unruly and scattered on my Google calendar. Each event or to-do is neatly painted with a corresponding color to indicate the type of item on the schedule (Job 1, Job2, Work, Family, Social, etc.). I'm a bit type A, I know. But the time I take to color code creates a pretty good visual for me, how much time each week I am spending on different categories of life. I like to think it is a little immediate check or balance when my calendar pops up on the screen.

Its funny, because when I look at how I spend my time, I can almost predict what the state of my heart is that week. Was I spending time with the Lord, or was I spending more time in entertainment/work? I should preface this with saying, that I believe spending time with friends to some extent can constitute for time with God alongside one on one time with the big guy, as they are an important part of encouragement in my spiritual life.

I titled this post inconvenience or opportunity, because lately I've found myself getting annoyed by little "inconveniences". Needing to go back to work, because I forgot something. Running errands and writing case notes on a day where I would much rather be outside in the sun.

These days (well this week anyway), I'm working at seeing these "inconveniences" more as opportunities. That 2nd trip to work allows me more time in my car to listen to worship music and bask in the goodness of God. Next to outdoor runs, my car is the next best place where I feel like I connect to God. Weird, huh? I'm trying to infuse God into even the mundane tasks. Writing case notes is a cool opportunity to thank God for each of the unique people I get to interact with. It's a chance to allow the holy spirit to guide my treatment plans. Somehow...all of a sudden these "inconveniences" are becoming more of adventures beyond what I can see:)

I think sometimes we (well I should speak for myself--"I")--tend to do the same thing with friendships. I'm a devoted friend, when I have time. But when my google calendar is a splattered rainbow canvas, with little white space--I find excuses not to call a friend or go out of my way to volunteer for this or that. Sometimes, I seek out friendship when I need it. When things aren't going so well or I need extra support---I reach out to friends. But what about when I am not in need? Do I follow up with friends in the everyday--when it may not be as convenient? To be honest--not as much as I should.

I recently took a facebook hiatus for 2 weeks. Funny, how I made more of an effort to contact people via phone or in person when facebook was not a convenient tool for catching up. Hopefully...this is another area that I can continue to grow in. I feel like this time of life for me is a major period of growth. I've been blessed with a lot of opportunities to seek out the opportunity in inconvenience. I get to give God my undivided attention, without the concerns of significant others, etc. And, I have to time to delve into who God is calling me to be. I'm a work in progress, but I'm really enjoying this time!

Check this out http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=1CB0CNNU

.....and I challenge you to embrace the opportunity of inconvenience. Jesus' death on the cross was in no way convenient--but he saw the opportunity for us in the inconvenience.